Stupidity...My love for you
By StormyBear29 

E-Mail: StormyBear29@cox.net 
Couple: Kyle/Max Kyle/Zan
Rating: Strong R/NC-17
Summary: Kyle has been in love with Max for as long as he can remember…but being the super jock stud of Roswell High he never let it be known…that was until the night that Max brought him back from death due to a stray bullet. Wanna know what happens next…and just how Zan comes into the picture…well read on below. :p

Disclaimer: I do not own anything pertaining to Roswell or related companies. 

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Chapter One

Kyle…

“Your crushing me Dimples” I hear him chuckle as I continue to cling to him for dear life…fearful that he may once again disappear from my life and leave me alone and miserable. I know that he really doesn’t mind that I am squeezing the very breath out of his lungs…for he is holding me just as tightly as I am holding him. We have been though hell and back the two of us…each has suffered severely as the hands of the ones that we once loved more them life itself…and yet we lived to tell the tale…lived to find love in the most of unexpected of places…in each other. I love him…love him more then I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. If I was to believe that true soul mates existed…then he would be my pick hands down. Yes…I love him and yet I almost lost him due to my cowardess and stupidity…due to my stubbornness to see what was so plainly before my very eyes the whole time. He…unlike me knew from the moment that we met that we were meant to be together and he was even man enough to state so right after our first night together. He knew and had stated quite clearly that he would do just about anything to ensure that I became his and his alone…but I had to push the envelope…and I quickly found that just about anything doesn’t always mean for certain.

I know…I know your dying to know who the hell we are…why he calls me dimples…and how it is that I am now head over heels in love with a reject hybrid king of another planet…well don’t worry I will reveal all to you in time…but first we must start from the beginning…

First you must know that in the summer of 2000 I was shot and killed by a stray bullet intended for one Max Evans. I felt the bullet penetrate my skin…felt it slash through my internal organs…felt it literally snatch the very life from my barely breathing body…and then he saved me. It was that night that the true depth of my feelings for Max Evans was revealed…it was that night that forever changed what I used to know of as the norm…for it was the night that Max learned of my long harbored love for him.

I had been in love with Max for as long as I can remember. At first I used to ignore the sensations that coursed crazily through my body each and every time that I saw him…tried to follow what was perceived as normal for an all American high school super jock by dating the opposite sex. Since I was young I found that I was different…found that I was more attracted to the guys playing on the court beside me…then the cheerleaders rallying for us on the sidelines…but fear and shame forced me to remain under an assumed identity…the identity of Kyle Valenti…teenage stud puppy. I must have dated ninety percent of West Roswell Highs female population in the four years that I attended…and yet not once did I sleep with a single one of them. It was easy to put up the façade that I had…and even if they said that we didn’t…I was a stud and to the population of WRH I was a god and my words was golden.

During the middle of my junior I became aware of Liz Parker…school nerd…book worm and well known virgin. She was my ticket to a bit of peace for I knew that I would never have to worry about getting into her pants and that was just fine with me. We dated for almost eight months before Max and his alien powers blasted their way into our lives…and nothing…not a damn thing was ever the same again. Turns out he was hiding to…hiding a similar secret that he was not willing to share with anyone…and then I died and everything else in both of our lives changed in a nano-second.

I didn’t know about Max’s uncanny alien healing powers until that fateful night he saved me and I was grateful…and it was during my untimely healing that he was also able to see into my very soul and it was there that he learned of my unwavering love of him. I was clueless to the fact that he knew for a short while and the truth is I didn’t even care…due in large part to the fact that I was barely able to process the fact that there were in fact aliens walking among us and the one person that I had been lusting over for so many years was the king of them all. Even though Liz and I were no longer dating we had remained good friends and right before I high tailed it out of Roswell for a few weeks for football camp and to clear my muddled head she spilled it all. She told me everything about Max…Michael and Isabel…causing me to freak out even more then imaginable. Praise Buddha I found something while I was there to ease my troubled mind and spirit for thanks to a guy I met from a neighboring school I found the teachings of Buddha. His teachings were exactly what I needed to help me through my time of confusion…not only referring to the whole aliens are among us aspect…but also for my continuing love of Max Evans despite the fact that he was…different.

I came back into town with a new lease on life and I had decided that I was going to be who I wanted to be. No more hiding behind the façade of Kyle Valenti super jock…no more denying who I really was…and most importantly no more ignoring the fact that the love that I felt for Max was real. No matter what the cost I was going to show him just how much I loved him…even if it meant hurting Liz in the process. I had hidden my love of him for too long and even though the chances of getting killed by his alien powers if he didn’t reciprocate my feelings were great…I was going to take the chance and lay my love for him out there on the line. I had a plan…this huge elaborate scheme to lure Max into my lair and seduce him. Yeah…it was a great plan…perfect right down to the littlest detail…but Max he had other ideas I found out as he showed up on my doorstep my first night back into town…and neither of our lives had been the same since.

“Max…what are you doing here” I asked…my heart hammering spasmodically in my chest at the clearly apprehensive love of my life standing nervously on my front porch.

“I…I just need to talk to you for a few minutes. Can…can I come in” he asked…stammering as he shifted from foot to foot as if in some sort of pee pee dance that young children do when they really have to go to the restroom.

“Sure…yeah…um…right” I stammered…fighting for the right words as I opened the door wider and allowed him to brush past me…the scent of his cologne sending me out into the stratosphere from the sheer closeness of his body. Closing the door anxiously behind me I turned to face him so we could begin our little chat…but there was no time for ideal chit chat as I came face to face with the man that I had mooned over for years and before any words could be spoken…he lips were crushing brutally against my own. To say I was stunned was an understatement…but my shock quickly vanished as I realized that Max Evans…man of my dreams…man whose year book picture I had jacked off to on more then one occasion was kissing me with such passion that it literally took my breath away. It was amazing the way that our mouths fit together as we continued to explore every nook and cranny of each others caverns…somehow ending up on the couch in my living room…completely nude and doing things to each other that I had only fantasized about in my wettest…wildest dreams.

Afterwards…after we had finished doing what it was that we had been doing…he sat at the end of the couch as he pulled on his quickly discarded clothing…and yet he said not a word. I was still trying to comprehend what it was that had just happened…for I knew that it had to be another frenzied wet dream and I would wake up any second and he and what we has just shared would be gone once again. “No one can know about what just happened” I heard him whisper hoarsely as he broke the deafening silence that surrounded us…and in the process shattered my perfect sex dream for now I knew this was on fact not a dream…that I had in fact just had had sex with him and now he was going to tell me he never wanted to see me again…or something worse. I didn’t say a word…how could I since my heart was literally breaking in half and those pieces were forcing their way up into my constricted throat. “Kyle…” he questioned concerned as he now turned to face me fully…a look that I could not quite decipher on his handsome face.

“I know” I choked out finally able to swallow my shattered heart as I avoided eye contact at all cost. “Don’t worry Evans your secrets are safe with me. Tonight was a mistake…I understand that and…” Getting up from the couch I continued to avoid those beautiful hazel eyes…unable to finish my sentence as I made my way across the room pretending to look out the window for I didn’t want him to see the tears quickly forming in my eyes. “You should go” I heard him get up off the couch…heard him walk across the squeaky floorboards of the wooden floor…felt the warmth of his hands as he placed them upon my bare arms as he turned me around to face him. I was still speechless as he gently cupped my face within the warmth of his glorious hands…wiping the escaping tears from my eyes. It was the simplest of gestures and yet it meant more to me at that time then you can ever imagine.

“I never said that what just happened between us was a mistake. It’s just…it’s just” he paused for a moment as he tried to find the exact words for I could tell that he was just as confused as I was. “It’s just complicated. Kyle…I come with a lot of baggage and if we were to continue with this we would have to keep it in secret. No one could ever know about us…too many people would be hurt and lord knows that I have hurt enough people in the last few years to last a lifetime. I just can’t bare to hurt anyone else…but I do know that I want to be with you…want to try and make a go of this…if…if you do” he stammered a faint blush covered his chiseled face. “We just have to talk before we go any further. I have so much to share with you and I want you to know everything about me and what I am”

I know now what I should have said…know that I should have told him to get his alien ass the @#%$ out of my house and take his secret love for me and shove it where the sun don’t shine…but I was weak with my love for him. I loved him so much back then…or maybe I was just too lonely to say no…but either way I told him that I was willing to be his lover and hide in the shadows waiting for him to come to me whenever time presented itself. Till this very day we have never had that talk that he had promised…but when it came to Max he never kept any of the promises he made to me anyway. Besides…there was never any time for talking when it came to Max and I anyway. Our time was so short and so precious that having the talk was never a priority…at least not to him. As I think back now I see that Max was living the American dream. He had a beautiful girl who loved him with all her heart and soul…a girl who he could proudly display for the entire world to see whenever they went out. They were the perfect couple in theory…the beautiful couple that everyone envied whenever they saw them in public and then he had me. I was the one that he @#%$ like there was no tomorrow when ever he had a whim to be with me. I was also one of those that envied what they had for it was what I wanted more then anything in my life at that time. I wanted to be the one that Max displayed as his trophy…wanted to be the one that everyone envied…wanted to take Liz’s place and be part of that beautiful couple…and I knew that it was never going to happen and yet I clung to the hope that one day it might just had happened.

I now know that Max was using me…I knew back then too…but I was to blinded by my love for him to notice…or even care much. I loved him so much that each time he hurt me…I made excuses for him...which in turn made it easier for me to forgive him time and time again. Most times when we weren’t together and I allowed myself to think about the situation that I was in with Max I would allow myself to accept the truth for I knew that he was using me for sex and sympathy when ever life was to rough for him to handle and yet I allowed this to continue for four long and heart wrenching years. Four years of being kept in the shadows…unable to share in the special moments that couples are lucky enough to share with each other.

It was Liz and not me that enjoyed the perks of being Max’s great love each and every holiday…was Liz that received the bouquets of flowers…the boxes of candy and the romantic evenings out among the other lovers of Roswell New Mexico as I sat at home heart broken and depressed…hoping and praying that he would come to me deep into the night and give me a sliver of what he had given her. As hard as it was for me to always be put second above Liz…I would always try to celebrate the holidays anyway for I wanted them to be special for him…wanted to feel special by him. Valentines Day…Christmas…Easter…all of them I would always have a secret surprise waiting for him when he would come…if he would come. I knew that I would never have the luxury of celebrating these holidays with him in the open but it was my hope to celebrate them with him in private and not once if he even bothered to show up…did he ever appreciate the lengths that I went to…or even try to reciprocate it. For the first year that we were together I basically kept the greeting card industry in business…cards…balloons…candy…stuffed animals…you name it…if it stated just how much my love for him meant to me…then I had to purchase it. Each and every time that I gave him my little token of affection…he would thank me and then using his powers he would turn it into dust…stating that he could not have any evidence that might link the two of us together. The first night that he did this I was devastated…and it must have been at least two hours later before I could stop the tears that continually ran from my eyes…and yet again I made another excuse for him and pushed aside my hurt and pain in order to ensure his continued happiness. It didn’t matter that I was hurting…all that mattered was that he was content…that he wasn’t going to leave me.

Each time after he would grace me with his presence I would ask him if he was also sleeping with Liz and time and time again he would give me the same answer. “No…I am not sleeping with Liz. You are the only one that I want to make love to…the only one that I want to be with like this” and like the stupid idiot that I was when it came to him…I believed each and every word he spoke. I believed each and every word until one time when he came to me in the early morning hours clearly upset about something. I could tell it was something serious…as he clung to me as if his world was coming to an end. “Max...baby…what is it” I asked…frightened like hell to hear his response. He didn’t say anything at first as I continued to hold him…placing small loving kisses on his forehead in an attempt to sooth him. “Please Max you’re scaring me. Please tell me what is the matter”

“Liz...is pregnant” he said…his sobs now echoing throughout the too silent room.



Chapter Two


The room around me began to swirl madly as his words continued to ricochet through my frenzied mind. My heart was hammering so furiously within my chest that I felt that it would explode right from out it and land at his feet. No…it isn’t possible…my mind screamed out from the sheer shock of his startling news. It has to be a mistake…she has to be pregnant by someone else for he had told me that they were not sleeping together. “Who…who is the father” I croaked out…as I released him from my arms and threw myself against the wall in an attempt keep myself upright. He didn’t answer me…just kept staring at the floor at his feet…blubbering like a baby. “I SAID WHO THE HELL IS THE FATHER MAX” I screamed out madly…tears pouring down my cheeks for I already knew the answer to my own question. I could feel my heart literally break in half as he looked up at me and spoke the words I already knew to be true.

“I am”

“GET OUT…GET THE @#%$ OUT OF MY HOUSE” my screams continued as I grabbed a nearby knickknack from the computer desk I was standing by and hurled it at him.

“Kyle please…I need you” he cried out as he made an attempt to reach out to me…only to change his mind as my laptop went hurtling over his head…smashing into what seemed like a million pieces as it slammed into the wall behind him…a million pieces just like my heart was shattered into a million pieces.

“Did you ever love me Max” I questioned through my heartbreak as I fell to the floor from the sheer weight of his news. “Did you for one second every love me the way that I love you” my sobs filled my ears as I looked up from where I was huddled in a blubbering mess of heartache and pain. “I love you so much that I was willing to do anything that you wanted me to…including allowing you to play your little charade because I knew that you were afraid to admit that you wanted to be with me and that I was ok with…all I ever wanted from you was for you be faithful to me. You promised…you promised me each and every time that we made love that you were not sleeping with her. “YOU PROMISED” I cried out…my tears raging down my face in torrents. “I gave up everything for you…everything and this is how you repay my love and devotion”

“Kyle…please. It was a mistake…it never should have happened” he spoke softly as he knelt before me…his own tears still flowing down his face. “Please you have to forgive me. I need you…need you more then I have ever needed you before. You have to be here for me…I don’t know if I can get through this without you”

“You didn’t answer my question” I retorted sadly as I stared into his expressive eyes…for it was his eyes that told me everything that I needed to know. “Do you love me…have you ever loved me Max…or was I just someone to come to when you needed support and sympathy.

“Kyle…please…I…I” he never finished his sentence as I watched him pull himself upright and walk out of the house without a second glance.

It was at that exact moment that I knew what I had to do. It was time for me to leave Roswell…time for me to leave the pain and regret of what was my love for him behind and start anew. I had to get as far away as possibly from Roswell…and California was about as far as I could go and so two months later I was on a plane headed for my new life…my new life without Max Evans. I didn’t even tell anyone that I was leaving. I needed a clean break…and it was my intention to just breeze out of Roswell and have no one be none the wiser as to my disappearance. Whoever…Michael had other ideas. Michael and I had become very close friends over the years that Max and I were together. I never told him anything about our secret relationship and I know that Max never told him…but I always suspected that he knew. If he did he never judged me for it…infact he was the only good thing about Roswell that I was going to miss once I left…but I knew that I had to leave everything about Max…including my friendship with Michael behind in order to begin my new life.

He showed up at my house a few days before my flight to freedom. I tried to make him leave…but him being Michael he forced his way in and stood dumb founded in the middle of my fully empty living room. “Going somewhere” he asked…jerking his eyes from the empty room and staring into my guilt filled ones.



Chapter Three

“I…I have to leave Michael…I can’t stay in Roswell anymore” I gushed out as I grabbed his arm and once again tried to make him leave.

“Does this have anything to do with Max” he questioned as he cemented his feet firmly on the floor thwarting my attempts to get rid of him.

“No…” I lied averting my eyes so he could not see the tears that were again forming in my eyes. “I just have to go”

“Kyle…I know about you and Max. I know that you have been having this secret love affair for the last couple of years and I know that you know about Liz and her being pregnant. I also know that you and Max are no longer together…and that the reason that you are leaving Roswell is because of what he did to you”

“You knew…how” I questioned as I stopped averting my eyes and stared into his truth filled ones.

“Yes…I knew. I’ve known for years now…but it wasn’t my place to question why you were keeping it all in secret. Why Max was dating Liz and then sneaking around with you. None of that mattered to me…all that mattered was that you and Max were making each other happy…but then just recently I realized something”

“What” I questioned…wiping at my oozing tears.

“Max was the only one that was happy in this relationship and why shouldn’t he have been…he was getting it on all ends. “I would look at you and you would put on this great show…convincing all of us that you were happy and everything in your life was grand…but I could see it in you eyes just how untrue those actions were. He’s hurt you on more then one occasion…and”

“Michael…please don’t” I whispered…sitting down on the lawn chair that I had been using for furniture since shipping my belongings off to my new place in California. “It’s over now. I just need to leave Roswell and all the memories that it holds for me and start a new life somewhere else”

“I understand and I agree with you whole heartedly” he said sitting crossed legged on the floor before me. “So…you gonna tell me where your going or am I going to have to use my alien powers and find out the hard way because if you think that for one minute that I am going to let the best friend I have every had just up and leave without telling me where he is going then you better think again”

I had to smile at Michael’s words. It was true on my end as well. He was in fact the best friend that I had ever had and still is to this very day and I knew that I would never forgive myself if I just let him drift out of my life. “I’ll tell you everything…but first you have to promise me that you will never tell Max or anyone for that matter where I have moved to…or why”

“Kyle…you have kept my secret for the last five years and I can guarantee that your secret will never leave these lips”

Again I had to smile at his words and so I told him everything…everything from Max and our first night together to every heart-breaking thing he did to me in those four years. I also informed him of all the Preparations for my new life. Everything had been in motion for months before hand and I had to admit that I was more then a little happy to leave Max and all the heartbreak associated with him behind. I had graduated college four months earlier and had received a degree in early childhood education. I had always loved kids and I knew that I wanted to work with them in my future…so I chose teaching for my intended career. I may not have cared much for high school…but college was different. In college I flourished and graduated with honors at the top of my class. Several schools had contacted me with offers to teach in their schools…and yet I had turned each and everyone of them down due fully to the fact that they were all in other states and that would mean that I would have to leave Max and at that time it was not an option for I knew that he would never leave with me and I was not willing to lose him for anything…not even my career. That was all about to change…everything in my life was about to change…change more then I would have ever expected or at the time wanted.

Michael saw me off my final day in Roswell. He took the day off from the Crash Down and spent it with me. I was a wreck…and on more then one occasion I picked up the phone and attempted to call Max. I just wanted to hear his voice one last time…wanted to tell him that I loved him once more time in hopes that he would realize that he was about to lose me and beg for me to take him back. I wanted him to know that no matter what it was that he had done to me in the past that I would always love him…but Mike being the great friend that he is thwarted each and every attempt. I lost count as to how many times I cried on his shoulder that day…but he just held me and allowed the sorrow and pain to overtake me. Somewhere along the line Michael became more then just a friend to me…he became a brother. We were thrown together due to his alieniness and somewhere along the line we became closer then I have every been to another non-sexual male. I love him…he will always be part of my life and when he informed me that he was moving to California and had a little surprise in store for me…I was more then a little ecstatic…but that is another part of the story.

California….

To say that living in California was different from living in Roswell is one of the biggest understatements ever spoken. It was the complete opposite of what I was used to…the clothing…the way people talked to each other…even the driving was different. The only thing that wasn’t different was my loneliness. I was so lonely at the beginning that I could barely get through a day without losing it. My phone bill was astronomical…and on the meager teachers pay I was making it was really hard to make ends meet most months. Michael was my only link to my past…and to Max. Yes…I still…even after all his did to me thought about Max on a constant basis. I would call Mike just about every night those first few months desperate to receive any crumb of news on Max and his life without me. Each time Mike would get mad at me and tell me that I had to move on and meet someone else…but I kept telling him that I wasn’t ready…and I wasn’t…and then one night for the first time in months I felt differently.

I was tired of sitting at home night after night in my cramped apartment staring at the TV…as thoughts of Max continued to invade my head. It had been almost a year and I was still mooning over a man that used me in the worst of ways…and finally I was determined to do something about it. It was hard…but I forced myself to leave the sanctuary of my apartment as I made my way dressed in a form fitting oxford shirt and the tightest pair of ass hugging jeans that I owned to the nearest gay bar. I was amazed how open the gay community was here…it was truly awe inspiring and I for once in my life was proud to be gay. In Roswell I had to keep my sexuality in secret…but here I could be as I wanted to be and that gave me the confidence to enter the doors of the bar that would forever change my life in a way that I could have never expected.

The bar was unlike anything I had ever seen before. It was smoky and dark and the music was loud and pumping. There were men of all races and sexual types all around me and as strange as this sounds…I finally felt like I was someplace where I belonged. There was your racy gay men…you know the ones that are gay and you can’t help but know that they are for they make sure that you know that they are…there were a few drag queens and I have to admit that when a Brittany Spears look alike with huge fake boobs and bouncing adams apple asked me if he could buy me a drink…I almost toppled over in laughter. I did however control my outbursts as I kindly turned him down as I plopped myself onto an empty bar stool and ordered a beer. Next came the chain laidened gay biker…who basically told me that I was going to be his sex slave and I didn’t have any say in the matter. I was a bit frightened as I looked into his dark hollow eyes…and then to his huge protruding beer belly…but I quickly turned on the charm and told him thanks but no thanks. He didn’t want to take no for an answer…but the guy sitting besides me whispered something in his ear and he backed away without a second glance in my direction.

“I don’t know what you said to him…but let me buy you a beer as a thank you” I hollered over the roar of the music and the crowd behind us.

“First time” he asked…a huge grin plastered on his face.

“Is it that noticeable” I asked…as I turned to face him fully as to for once in a long time have a full fledged conversation with someone just like me…or who appeared to be just like me. He was handsome…deep brown eyes…so much like Max’s that it took me aback for a brief second. “Kyle Valenti” I said shaking off the images of Max that were trying to control me again as I extended my hand towards my new friend.

“Robert Vanderbilt” he replied loudly as he grasped my hand tightly in a manly like grip.

“Nice to meet you” I continued as held up two fingers towards the bartender indicating that I wanted another round of drinks. The rest of the night was going quite smoothly as Robert and I continued to get to know each other…however drink after drink I noticed that he seemed to be getting closer and closer to me. At first I didn’t think much of it…but when his hand reached under the bar and grasped my member roughly in his hand…I couldn’t help but spit my drink all over him. “Lets go to my place…now” he groaned drunkenly as he gave my dick a painful squeeze…causing a yelp to omit from my startled lips. “I want to @#%$ your cherry ass like you have never been @#%$ before” I couldn’t believe the bluntness of this man as I tried to remove his cemented hand from my painfully sore @#%$…sore from the constant pressure that he continued to apply upon it. I don’t know how I managed to get away from him…but I finally did and came face to face with a pair of eyes that literally took my breath away…caused my heart to pound savagely within my chest and before I knew it I was in his arms…kissing him like there was no tomorrow…and then reality hit.



Chapter Four


Zan…

I knew I was different from the moment that I exited the pod…not just alien different…but sexually different. I knew that Ava was my intended mate…knew that as I got older that I should have wanted to @#%$ her brains out each and every time the opportunity presented itself…but I was more interested in @#%$ Rath then I was Ava. I was truthful about my sexuality from the get go…and I didn’t care who knew about it. I was gay…I am gay and there is nothing wrong with being gay and if anyone has a problem with it…give me five minutes in a dark alley and I will convince you otherwise. It sickened Rath and Lonnie…but Ava seemed to understand and even though I knew it hurt her to hear Rath and Lonnie @#%$ like bunnies just about every night she remained my loyalist friend right up until my untimely death. Yes…you heard me correctly…my death. I was killed…or at least to my @#%$ psycho sister and mo-hawked freak of a lover I was dead. They wanted me dead…and even tried to follow through with their plans for my impending death. However…I was quicker…I was smarter and with the help of Ava and her mind warping abilities…to them at least I am dead.

After that night Ava and I went our separate ways…I missed her so much when I left…but I couldn’t stay in New York…not with those two still crawling the streets and so I high-tailed it to California. I was a seventeen-year-old…gay…alien king reject…and California proved to be the perfect place for me to blend in with all the other nuts trying to start life anew. I took on a new persona…a whole new identity and yet I found that I felt more at home with the new me…then I ever did with the old one. Life was great…I was living the American dream…working at a job that I loved…partying my ass off on the weekends and @#%$ whom ever the hell I wanted to. I was more open with my sexuality then I ever was in New York…and I was willing to try just about everything at least once. I was happy…or so I eluded myself for I had just never realized how truly unhappy I was with my chosen lifestyle until he walked into that bar that night. As I laid my eyes upon him for the very first time…I knew right then and there that he was the one. He was the one that I would be willing to give up everything and anything to ensure that he would be mine…and only mine.

Of course our first meeting was not the picture perfect encounter that I would have liked it to be…but it was a hell of a lot better then asking him what his sign was to break the ice…or if I could buy him a drink. It was like something out of those corny romantic movies where the man spots the girls from across the crowded dance floor and they fall in love instantly…well something like that at least…because in this case it was me falling head over heels in lust with the most gorgeous man that I had ever laid eyes on. I watched as if in slow motion as he made his way to the bar and ordered a drink…watched as man after man hit on him…watched as a he would smile politely with each offer as he turned them down one by one. I had to control the urge to bash each and every one of their heads in as they continued to hit upon the man that I wanted to @#%$ at that very moment more then I wanted to breath and yet I could not make my feet move me in the direction that I needed to go.

I had up to that point never been afraid to pounce upon any intended prey…but with Kyle…I knew that he was different and I found that so was I . Panic began to fill me as I continued to watch him continuously thwart the advances of each horny man…and finally apparently fed up with the swarming sharks all around him be slid off the stool he had been perched on and headed for the entrance. Taking a deep breath…I forced my leavened feet to move in the direction of his retreating figure…intent on only one thing…bringing this man back to my place and doing the nastiest…naughtiest things imaginable to his beautifully muscled body. At that point I had control of my motor skills as I rushed towards the front door with one goal in mind…stopping him from leaving that bar at all cost and I did…for a minute at least…and then he was gone.

“MAX…I knew that you would come for me. I just knew it” he screamed out in pure jubilation as he drew me tightly within his magnificent arms. Instantly I was in heaven as he snaked his hand through my spiked hair…jerking my more then eager mouth to his own. I knew that he thought I was someone else as he plunged his tongue so far down my throat that I just knew he could feel my tonsils…knew that it was this someone else that he thought I was that was causing his dick to poke my own raging hard on tortuously through the tightness of my leather pants and yet I didn’t care for all that mattered was having his tongue continue to pillage my mouth. Disappointment coursed through me as he swiftly detached his hot mouth from my own at the realization that I was not the one that he had been hoping for. OMG…your…your not Max” he stammered as he pulled back from me…almost falling to the hard floor in his hastiness.

“No your right Dimples” I grinned…licking the remaining taste of him from my lips as I stared into the bluest eyes that I had ever seen. “I may not be Max…but I sure as hell wish that I was. Names Daniel James…but my friends call me DJ…just in case your interested”

“No…no…it isn’t possible” his stammering continued as he sustained the lock he had on my apparently familiar face. “You…you look so much like him” I watched as he closed his eyes and shook his head as if in an attempt to clear the apparition that he saw before him and had to cringe at the look of pure terror when he opened them once again and saw the same apparition still standing before him. I tried to speak to him…tried to say anything to calm his visibly frazzled nerves in order to make him stay for I knew that there was a distinct possibility that if he walked out of that door at that time that I would never see him again. Nothing worked as he bolted like a frightened rabbit out of the bar and out of my life…but thankfully fate had other ideas. I have never been one to believe in fate and all the bullshit associated with it…but after meeting Kyle and the fact that despite having only known him for a total of ten minutes…we had a direct link…it was a @#%$ up link…but it was a link none the less.


Kyle…

I had been living in California for almost a year…almost a year with no Max in my life and I was lonely. I was so lonely that I couldn’t breath most nights as I sat in my tiny apartment alone mooning over the love that I had for him. I had moved to California to move past all the pain and hurt that he had caused me…to forget about how much he meant to me…but that never happened. He was all that I could think about…all that inhabited my mind night and day and I lived my dreary existence day after agonizing day. I knew in my mind that Max would never come to California to proclaim his undying love for me…would never come and sweep me off my feet as he lead me into the sunset and our new life together and yet my heart he had other ideas. In my heart Max would come to realize that we did in fact belong together forever and he would come galloping back into my life like a knight in shining armor and take me away from my miserable life without him…but since Max had no clue as to where I hell I was there was no way that was ever going to happen.

I didn’t know what to do…didn’t know what to think as I stood before an almost identical clone of the man that I had left in Roswell New Mexico almost a year to the day. I was shocked…and stunned and more then a little petrified as I continued to gawk at the man so similar to Max and yet there were such obvious differences. He was rougher looking…physically larger and I could tell that he was aggressive…but not in a bad way. Does that make sense…probably not…just know this…I knew in those first few moments after meeting him that even though I didn’t know who the hell this man was…that this was not going to be the last time that I saw him…that in fact he would ensure that it wasn’t going to be the last time that I saw him. I could read it so plainly in his eyes…I was his prey and he was determined to capture me. I however had other ideas…for I was not about to allow myself to fall into the same trap that I had fallen into with Max. “You got a name” he asked me in a strange accent that I could not quite make out…grinning that same grin of Max’s that would always win me over no matter what. I didn’t know what to do as I continued to stand there…and finally as I got my wits about me I did the one thing that Max had taught me well…I bolted.

I bolted out of that bar as fast as my legs could carry me. Away from the man that not moments before was squeezing my nuts so hard that I just knew that there had to be a bruise…but most importantly away from the other man with just his looks alone frightened me to my very core. I didn’t know who he was…but I knew damned well that he was somehow linked to Max and I was determined to stay as far away from him and his resemblance to the man that still held my battered and bloody heart in his non-loving hands. Upon reaching my apartment…I rummaged through my wallet searching for the only blurry…crinkled…picture of Max and I in existence.

Tears raced down my face as I gazed upon the picture I knew like the back of my hand…for it was the only proof that my relationship with Max as @#%$ up as it was…was in fact real. I still don’t know why Max allowed me to take it since everything else that would link him to me was always destroyed at his hands…but this picture he allowed me to keep. It was taken one night after an extremely exhausting night of lovemaking. I was in lover’s bliss…he for once had put me above Liz and came over to my house quite early in the evening. I was besides myself with happiness…and it turned out to be the best evening that Max and I ever had in the four years that we were together. I found out later that the evening prior Max and Liz had in fact made love for the first time and his guilt was more then he could bare and that one glorious night was his way of alleviating some of his guilt. Anyway…it was the only real thing that I had of Max…and I didn’t plan to ever part with it. Placing a tiny kiss upon the faded picture of my love…I placed it once again into the safety of my wallet as I tried to forget about the horrendous evening and attempted to sleep.

I knew that sleep was going to be futile…so after two hours of tossing and turning I finally got up and despite the fact that it was well into the early morning hours and I knew that Michael would be sleeping…I had to speak to him. I had the feeling that he would know something about the Max clone who for the life of me I could not get out of my mind…and I became determined…despite what I vowed earlier to find out just who or what he was. Just as I expected Michael picked up the phone highly pissed at whoever it was on the other end for disturbing his sleep. “Who the @#%$ is this” he yelled groggily into the receiver…causing me to jerk the phone away from my ear from all his crassness.

“Mike…it’s Kyle” I spoke once he had finally stopped his rantings.

“Kyle…are you ok” he asked concerned. I could tell that he was fully awake by then and I must admit the concern I heard in his voice brought me once again to tears. “Kyle…are you there? What…what is it” I didn’t know how to start that conversation…how do you ask your best friend if he knew anything about an apparent clone of the future king of Antar without scaring the @#%$ out of him and sending him into a total tizzy. “Kyle…would you @#%$ speak to me”

“I…who…I…” I stammered still trying like hell to find the words to describe whom I had met. “Who is Daniel James and why does he look so much like Max” I finally blurted out…as nervousness began to creep in at the silence that I now received on the other end of the line.

“Daniel James…who the @#%$ is Daniel James” I heard him repeat. “Looks like Max…I swear to hell Valenti if you have been drinking again I will personally fly out to California and kick your stupid ass” he roared through the line in reference to a brief period when I first moved to California where Mr. Alcohol became my nightly friend. I would call Michael in a drunken stupor belly aching over my love for Max and his lack of love for me.

“Michael…you need to listen to me. I have not been drinking…ok…I went to a bar and had two beers…but I am not drunk…and even if I was drunk seeing his face would have sobered me up in a heartbeat…but…”

“You went to a bar” he questioned…more intent on hearing about my first outing in a year then meeting Max’s twin. “About @#%$ time man…did you meet anyone. Wait…don’t tell me…I am just glad that you finally got your ass out of that apartment and had yourself some fun…”

“Would you shut the @#%$ up for two seconds and listen to what the hell I am trying to say” I screamed…cutting him off in mid sentence. “Yes…I went to a bar tonight and yes I did meet someone…someone that could be the identical twin of your leader. They are identical in everyway…except for very obvious differences…now what I need to know is…who the @#%$ in Daniel James”

“I have no clue who Daniel James is” was his reply…causing my frustration factor to rise to the outer limits. “Wait…what are the obvious difference” he asked and I could have sworn that I heard fear creeping into his voice.

“Longer spiked hair…loads of tattoos and piercings and lots of facial hair. So much like Max…and yet so different. I swear to god Mike if I didn’t know that Max was still living in Roswell…I would have sworn it was him and I…I kissed…”

“Did he speak with a New York accent” he questioned loudly and that time I could make out the fear in his voice quite clearly.

“No…I don’t think so. Wait…yes…yes he did…why”

“Kyle…stay the @#%$ away from him”

“What…why”

“Look I can’t be for certain…I mean they said that he was dead…but hell with Lonnie and Rath you never knew what the hell was truth and what was fiction. Just stay the hell away from him…he could be dangerous”

“Lonnie…Rath…who the hell are Lonnie and Rath” fearful at what his response would be for at that point in time I was completely clueless as to what the hell is was talking about.

“You didn’t meet Daniel James tonight…you met Zan”

“Zan…I don’t understand…who the hell is Zan” For the next hour Michael explained just who Lonnie…Rath and Zan were…and by the time he finished I was more then a little pissed. “Why the hell wasn’t I told about this” I questioned angrily. “You would think that something as important as duplicates of you…Max and Isabel would have been something that you would have told me about”

“Look Valenti…at the time we all thought that you had slept with Liz and none of us was too thrilled with you…and afterwards it just never came up…it just wasn’t that important”

“It just never came up” I repeated mockingly back at him. “Not that important. Well…let me ask you this Michael…do you think that it is important now” I yelled into the phone…slamming the receiver back into the cradle as I tossed it furiously across the room. I didn’t really know why I was so pissed at Michael…now that I think about it I don’t think that I really was…I was just angry. I was angry at the whole world for allowing aliens to walk among us…angry at Max for breaking my heart into a million pieces…but most importantly I was angry with myself for becoming a man that was so bitter that I wanted to make anyone…and in that case Zan suffer for the pain that constantly penetrated my heart due to the one that I loved just as much as I had before I left Roswell.



Chapter five

Zan…

A few days had passed before I saw him again. I was petrified that I would never see him again since he was the only thing that I could think about after our first encounter. He haunted my mind and my dreams for a full forty-eight hours before I came face to face to him again…and never in my wildest dreams did I ever fathom that he would come to me the way that he did. I could tell that he was angry…could tell that he was looking to hurt someone…anyone and for some reason he had chosen me to be that someone. “I need to talk to you” I heard him speak gruffly behind me as I attempted to maneuver the pool stick I was holding as I tried to win the game I was playing against a buddy of mine…only to find that I could not due to his looming presence directly behind me.

I wanted to turn around and crush his lips to mine…wanted to drag him under the pool table and do things to him that I was sure he had never had done to him before…but I knew that I had to play this one cool for I couldn’t risk the fact that he might once again bolt out of this bar and out of my life. So…I decided to play it cool…and quickly realized that it was the best strategy that I could have ever started. “Nice to see you again Dimples…but I am afraid that you are going to have to wait until I finish this shot” I stated demurely as I patted him on his firm round ass…turning back to the game at hand.

“I don’t think you understand” he growled through clenched teeth…as he grabbed my arm roughly…spinning me until I was facing him once again. “I know who the @#%$ you are…Zan…and you ARE going to talk to me and you ARE going to talk to me NOW” I could only follow in stunned silence as he grabbed the sleeve of my leather jacket and literally dragged my stupefied body out of the bar and into the deserted alley. It didn’t take long for me to come out of my shock…as an unyielding anger preceded to flood through me. He knew me…knew my name…and although the rest of the world thought I was dead…this gorgeous man standing defiantly before me knew that I was Zan…reject king of an alien planet…and I was more then determined to find out who he was…and how it was that he knew who I was.

“Who the @#%$ are you” I roared…slamming him into the wall behind him with my powers. “Speak up…your life so depends on it”

“What’s the matter DJ…or should I say Zan…you look like you are about to @#%$ your pants. Yes…I know who you are…infact I know all about you and your supposed death. Funny though…you seem quite alive and well standing here before me”

“I said who the @#%$ are you” I repeated as once again I slammed him into the hardened wall. “How do you know who I am”

“Lets just say that we have a common interest in a one Max Evans”

“Who the @#%$ is Max Evans” I was growing tired of the games that he was playing and no matter how sexy he looked plastered against that wall…I was losing my patience…and I was losing them fast.

“You dupe…your twin…your identical twin and my ex” he replied defeatedly…causing me to release the hold that I had on him as I saw the anger disappear from his eyes and in its place complete and utter loneness and despair. I don’t know what came over me then…well…maybe I did…but in that second I did the only thing that I wanted to do from the first time I saw him from across the crowded dance floor…I kissed him. I kissed him long and hard…and when he didn’t resist…I kissed him even harder. “Where…where do you live” I felt him moan against my kiss swollen lips as he turned the tables on me and shoved his tongue down my throat. I didn’t answer him as I grabbed his hand and jerked him as quickly as I could towards the back of the bar for what he didn’t’ know was that I was the proud owner of this place and I lived in the apartment directly above it. He had my jacket and shirt completely removed by the time we reached the front door and was fastly working on the zipper of my tight leather pants. “Slow down Dimples…we got the rest of our lives” I chuckled against his lips as I flung the door open using my powers…slamming it behind me as we fell hard to the floor below…but neither one of us felt it as we continued to rip unnecessary clothing off of hot manly bodies. “God…you taste so good” I sighed against the softness of his skin as I attacked his tender neck with my teeth…leaving love bite after love bite in my wake. I was in heaven when he flipped me easily onto my back and shoved his wet…hot mouth onto my straining dick and began to set a motion that was driving me @#%$ crazy. I had been given a lot of blowjobs in my lifetime…but none of them could ever compare to the one that I was receiving from Kyle. I usually have total self-control…but with Kyle I had none as within a few hard swipes of his mouth I came…and I came hard screaming at the top of my lungs for the entire world to hear.

I still didn’t know his name…and truth be told it was the last thing that I had on my mind at the time…but I knew that from that point on he was mine and I was going to make sure that he as well as the rest of the world knew just how much I loved…yes I said loved…this man. I had never been in love before…but I knew that I loved him and that I would do just about anything to make him see that I was not in fact this Max character…that I would take care of him the way that he should be taken care of…and that was a promise I had made to myself and it was one that I was determined to keep. I may not have known what my dupe did to him…or why he was stupid enough to let him go in the first place…but you know what I didn’t care. Kyle was what had been missing in my life…he was the one that I knew was going to make me happy…the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I knew all this in a matter of minutes. What I then had to do was try and convince him of the same thing…and I knew that it was going to be a hard sell…but I never expected the long drawn out battle that ensued and my devastation when a certain someone came barging back into his…into our lives.


Kyle…

Before I had a chance to even thing about what it was that I had just done to Zan…he was laying fully atop me kissing me as if there was no tomorrow…and I knew that I should have stopped him…knew that I shouldn’t have allowed him to do the things that he had done to me…but I was powerless to stop. His mouth was everywhere…my neck…my chest…my stomach…and then he hit my most sensitive of areas…my penis. I don’t think that he left one single place unexplored…and I was in heaven. It had been so long since I had been with another man…and even though I knew in my heart that this wasn’t the man that I longed for it to be…my head told me that this was the closest I was ever going to get to Max and so I shut out the voices in my heart and allowed Zan to bring me to the most intense orgasm that I had ever felt in my life. Afterwards he rolled off me…stretching out on his side…his leg still intertwined with mine…as he propped his hand up and rested his head upon it…his eyes never leaving mine.

“So…are you…Zan” I asked breaking the silence that surrounded us.

“Zan died a long time ago” he replied matter of factly as he traced lazy circles on my exposed chest. “I have been Daniel James for the last fives years now…and I intend to keep it that way”

“Is that a threat” I yelled angrily as I attempted to remove myself from the pretzeled hold that he had on me. “And could you please let me the hell up” I tried again to extricate myself…but he had other ideas as he quickly pinned me below his powerful body and once again kissed me long and hard.

“It isn’t a threat Dimples” he whispered against my lips…as he drew them away as he placed his hands along the sides of my face. “I just need for you to know how important it is that no ones knows that I am still alive. If certain people find out my life as I know it will cease to exist. They failed to get it right the first time…they wont rest until they get it right the second time”

I could see the fear in his eyes as he spoke…and for a brief second I felt sorry for him…but then evil Kyle emerged again and I no longer cared about him…or anything else for that matter. All that I cared about was getting the hell out of there and never seeing the likes of him again. I tried to push him off…but there was no doubt that he was stronger…as he kneed me gently in the groin…causing an involuntary moan to escape from the lips that he had seized between his own yet again. I felt his tongue as it forced its way between my lips as it wrapped its way around my frenzied tongue. It was like being with Max all over again…in a sense at least…for whenever Max kissed me I was rendered senseless and it seemed that Zan held that same effect on me. Back and forth our tongues dueled and then something strange began to happen…I got a rush of images that flew before my closed eyes that scared the very @#%$ out of me.

Images of Zan and the life that he had lived before moving to California…images of his friends…his family betraying him in the worst way as they attempted to kill him. I saw the way that Ava mind warped whom I assumed to be Rath and Lonnie into believing that he had in fact been run over by the speeding bread truck. I felt his complete devastation at the realization that his family…his blood had tried to end his life over something as stupid as a disagreement. I felt the love that he held for Ava…and how lonely he was once he left her and moved away from New York and all he knew there. But most importantly I felt the love that he felt for me…and before I could see anymore of those mind numbing images…I brutally forced him off of my confused body…grabbed my quickly discarded clothes and ran like hell butt naked out the front door…leaving him without a second glance in my wake.



Chapter Six

Zan…

He saw it all…I knew that he had just by the way that he ran for the door like a crazed man. He threw me so hard from his body that I didn’t’ have time to react as my head slammed forcefully into the coffee table beside me. I should have been pissed…should have chased after his cute ass…but I knew that it wasn’t going to be the last time that I saw him. Why your wondering…was it because of the fact that I was a great lover and he would no doubt be back for more…well there was that…but the main reason was because of the little brown leather wallet that I found before me as I lay there frustrated…which in turn turned my frustration into great joy…for I knew right there that it alone would hold some of the answers to my unanswered questions. I didn’t even bother to get dressed as I pulled myself off the hard floor where moments before I had made love the man that had no clue what he was about to get himself into and threw myself onto the couch and opened the tiny billfold. Kyle was a pretty normal guy I found out rather quickly for in his wallet he had the normal things that most men have…a California drivers license with a very sexy picture on it…twenty three dollars in cash…two major credit cards…and some receipts from a pizza joint. Nothing major right…but as I probed deeper into the confines of the worn leather I found the one thing that I was hoping to find most…a picture of him.

I could only stare at the man that looked so much like me and yet so different. He was clean cut…so what I would have expected Kyle to fall in love with. I had to admit that they did make a cute couple and that thought alone caused a bolt of jealously to rage through me that I almost incinerated the very picture I held in my hand from the sheer madness of it all. He was absolutely radiate…it may have been taken with a crappy digital camera…but you could make out the pure love that he felt for the man laying on the bed besides him. I could tell that it was Kyle that was holding the camera as he snuggled tenderly within the arms of his lover. I didn’t want to let my mind wander there…but I suspected that it had been taken mere moments after a bout of love making…causing another bolt to utter jealously to surge through me. The look on my dupes face was so pensive…so unreadable…and I would have bet money that it was a look that adhered to his face on a permanent basis. I could not read his face the way that I could read Kyle’s. With Kyle you could read so openly the love that he held for Max…with Max you could make out nothing and I actually felt bad for the guy…for a brief second at least.

Kyle was no longer his…he had had his chance to be with this absolutely perfect man and had let him slip right through his fingers…his loss and my gain was all I kept thinking as I traced the outline of my lover gently with my finger. I was going to do whatever I had to do to make Kyle see that he was special…that he was worthy of having someone love him unconditionally…and most importantly that it was going to be I that was going to love him that way. “Be prepared Kyle Valenti” I spoke aloud the name that I had read off of his driver’s license as I placed the picture back where I found it and closed the billfold. “You have no idea what you are in for” Closing my eyes I allowed slumber to over take me as images of his perfectness invaded my dreams…causing a smile to cross my lips from the sheer happiness of it all.


Kyle…

I felt guilty…yes I felt guilty. It had been almost a year and I felt like I had betrayed Max in the worst possible of ways…by sleeping with not only another man…but with his duplicate. Till this day I still don’t know why I felt guilty…but it was the way that I felt each and every time that Zan and I slept together…and yes we slept together on more then one occasion. Just as I expected he would not take no for an answer…and no matter what I did or said to him he would not take the hint and leave me alone…and now and only now can I can fully admit that I am grateful that did didn’t allow me to push him away.

Two days after our night together he showed up at my door with Pizza from my favorite pizza parlor and a six pack of cold beer. I opened the door and was more then a little stunned to find him grinning madly on my doorstep as he pushed his way past me…but not before placing a loving kiss upon my startled lips. “How the hell did you find out where I lived” I asked him crossly as I slammed the door behind me and turned to face him.

“I have my ways Dimples” was his response as he placed the pizza on the dining room table and headed into the kitchen with the beer in his hands. “Besides…you left this on my floor as you rushed out of my apartment the other night” I grabbed the wallet out of his hands and tossed it angrily on the shelf beside me. “Man…I’ve missed you and that hot body of yours” he said with more then a little lust in his voice as he made his way over to where I continued to stand as he gathered me up in his arms and planted his lips deeply upon my own. He didn’t give me time to respond…and again I was rendered senseless as his tongue expertly maneuvered its way towards its intended target.

“Get out…just leave me alone” I stated half-heartedly as he broke the searing lip lock he had just held on me…leaving me panting for much needed air. I could see the amusement in his eyes as he laid his forehead against my own and stared into my eyes.

“I won’t ever leave you alone again…because you shouldn’t be left alone. You should have someone love you all the time…and I am just the man for the job” I heard him whisper…causing my heart to almost burst from my chest as it continued to fight for air…but also from the words that I had always longed to hear…but only from another man. “Now…I don’t know about you…but I am starving. What do you say we dig into that hot pizza I brought and then later I can dig into you” he chuckled…placing another quick kiss upon my lips as he ran his hands down my back…giving my ass an affectionate squeeze.

I watched as he made his way back into the kitchen…heard him whistle happily as he rummaged though my cabinets in search for needed dinnerware. I was stupefied as to what it was that this man saw in me…why he wanted to be with me when there was clearly something tremendously wrong with me since the only man that I would ever love didn’t want to be with me. Yes…I was so brainwashed…so stupid in my thinking that actually for a while there I thought that there was indeed something wrong with me and not with the true person with the problem. However…I had to admit that it was nice to be with someone for a change…nice to feel wanted and although I knew that I would never love him…I quickly made the decision to allow Zan to be with me…but only because I was so sick and tired of being alone.

For the next hour he chatted cheerfully about his day…told me about how his beer distributor had screwed up his order and sent it to some retirement home in L.A…and that he had decided to go ahead and allow them to keep it. “I know it ain’t much…but who am I to deny even the elderly a bit of happiness” he chuckled easily as he removed our empty dishes from the table and brought them into the kitchen…placing them in the dishwasher. When he was finished he grabbed two beers from the fridge and made his way to where I was sitting. Taking my hand…he intertwined his fingers within my own as he lead me into the living room were he sat comfortably on my worn couch…pulling me closely beside him. “I guess that I should shut up and allow you a chance to speak. So…how was you day today”

I could only look at him dumbfounded for he truly wanted to hear about my day…wanted to know about me and what I had been up to. Whenever I was with Max…without fail each and every time we were together the conversation always converted to him and only him. Never did he want to know how I was doing…or if anything exciting…or even if anything non-exciting had happened to me. It was hard at first…but after awhile I got used to it and stopped trying to talk to him about anything except him and what pertained to his life. But here sat this man that actually wanted to hear about me and my day…and I just knew that he would listen to each and every word…and because of that I was rendered totally speechless. “Cat got your…” I heard him chuckle…but I cut him off before he had the chance to finish his sentence as I quickly did the only thing that I could think of at the time…I kissed the @#%$ out of him.



Chapter Seven

Zan….

He was kissing me so hard that it was causing me to become dizzy with giddiness. Before I even had a chance to retaliate he had me pinned below him as he continued to plunder my more then eager mouth. I loved the way that he felt laying full body atop me…loved the way that with each wave of his tongue against my own he would cause my blood pressure to skyrocket until I was seeing stars before my closed eyes. I could feel his hand as it snaked down my stomach…moving past the waistband of my jeans and as much as I longed to feel him hold my precious jewels…that was not the way that I wanted our second bout of love making to transpire. “Dimples…please” I groaned as I grabbed his hand and brought it up to my chest where I laid it gently over my furiously beating heart. “ Not this way…I want to do this right”

“It is right” was his reply as he once again ran his hand down the length of my body as he attempted to undo the buttons of my constricted jeans. “I want you to stay with me tonight”

“As wonderful as that offer sounds…and trust me it is killing me to do this…but I can’t…I have to leave”

“WHAT” he blurted out…a look of complete shock upon his handsome face.

“I want to do this proper. You mean more to me then just a quick @#%$ whenever I can get it” I spoke truthfully as I ran my hand tenderly over his pouting lips. “I want to take you out to dinner…want to get to know you…want you to get to know me. I want to try and make this work and I know…”

“What exactly do you think is going to happen between us” I heard him question…irritation clearly readable in his booming voice. “I am not looking for a relationship with you Zan. All I want from you is as you so eloquently put it…is a quick @#%$ from you whenever I can get it” I felt the rush of cool air quickly surround me as he jerked the warmth of his body off of mine and began pacing hurriedly before the couch I was still laying on. It was my turn to get irritated as I jumped off the couch as I grabbed him by his forearms and forced him to face me.

“Look Kyle…I know that my dupe hurt you deeply. I may not know what he did to you per say…but I know you were hurt none the least. I just want you to know that I am not Max Evans…that I am the complete opposite in that I know what a wonderful man you are…and no matter what you say or do…nothing will ever make me change my opinion of you. Please Dimples…just give me a chance to love you and hopefully in the not to distant future you will learn to love me”

“Stop @#%$ calling me that” I heard him holler as he pulled quickly from the grip that I held on him as if my touch had scalded him. “How can you say that you love me when you don’t even @#%$ know me”

“I know you…I know enough about you to know that I want to be with you…but I want to do it the right way. Please Kyle…just give me a chance to show how much I can love you. Let me take you out tomorrow night” I knew that I sounded like a wimp…sounded like a @#%$ crybaby…but I didn’t care for I was more worried about losing him then I was about worrying how unmanly I sounded.

“No…get the @#%$ out of my apartment…out of my life”

Anger flooded me quickly…as I once again grabbed him by the arms and forced him to stand before me for it seemed that I was going to have to do what needed to be done the hard way. “This is how it is going to happen tomorrow night…and you have no say in the matter” he attempted to object…but I quickly covered his mouth with my own and swallowed his negative words. Breaking our kiss…I looked him square in the eyes as I continued my words before I left him speechless as I quickly exited his apartment. “You will go out with me tomorrow night. I will pick you up at seven o clock and you will dress semi casual…and if you stand me up…well we don’t want to go into what will happen if you stand me up Dimples” and with another quick kiss…I was gone.

I was ecstatic the next night when I showed up at his door…bouquet of flowers in hand at promptly seven o clock to find that I did not have to force him to go out with me after all. I was expecting this huge fight where I was going to have to use my alien powers of persuasion before I dragged him out of his apartment kicking and screaming. When he opened the door I was awe struck at just how handsome this man really was and I had to fight every unmanly urge not to take his gorgeous ass right then and there on his doorstep. I did however fight my urges as I presented him with the flowers and a lingering kiss upon the softness of his lips. I watched as he took the flowers that I held out before him and causally tossed them on the table behind us. I have to admit that this careless gesture stung just a bit…but I wasn’t going to let that little act of indifference ruin the perfect evening that I had planned. I quickly learned that Kyle had other ideas as to how that night was going to play out…and that I was the one that was in fact along for the ride.

“Your chariot awaits” I chuckled as in a grand like gesture I escorted him to my waiting car that was parked in front of his building. I tried to open the door for him in a gentlemanly fashion…but was rebuffed as he pushed past me and yanked open the door himself as he climbed in and slammed the door roughly behind him. “Just @#%$ great” I cursed to myself as I ran to the other side of the car and let myself in. He didn’t say one word as I drove in the direction of the restaurant. I tried to start a conversation several times and each time my only response was silence. I was determined not to let him ruin this evening…damned determined and that was all there was to it. Once we reached the restaurant he jumped out of the car before I even had a chance to hand my keys to the valet and headed inside with me quietly seething in tow.

“Welcome to Jonathans…” the waiter spoke as he stood before our table where he attempted to take our drink order. “Can I interest you in something to drink before I …”

“Save it” I heard him cut the waiter off rudely in mid spiel…speaking quite loudly. “Just bring me a beer…a very large beer and keep them coming until I get so @#%$ faced that you have to carry me out of this joint”

“Kyle…” I spoke through gritted teeth…purely embarrassed at his childish behavior.

“I said bring me a @#%$ beer” he screamed at the waiter even louder…ignoring my pleas for him to calm down.

“I am so sorry” I apologized to the stunned waiter as I looked around at the glaring couples around us. “Please…just give us a minute” The waiter excused himself and I tried desperately to remain calm for I was well on my way to blowing my stack. “What the hell is your problem” I whispered angrily as I stared into his blue depths as I awaited his response.

“All I want is a beer…is that so much to ask for” he spoke snidely as he thwarted my attempts to hold his hand.

I knew what it was that he was doing. I knew that he was acting like that because he felt that I had forced him out on this date…and I knew that it was going to take him time to trust me…which in turn sent my determination factor up several more notches. “Look Kyle…I know that you feel like I forced you out on this date of ours and I am sorry for that. I should have given you the choice of wanting to come out with me instead of forcing you” Taking his hand…I hindered his attempts to pull away as I crushed it lightly between the two of mine. “Its just that I really wanted to take you out and make it a special evening…but if you want to just cut our loses and end this evening I will take you home” I waited on baited breath for his response and the whole time I gazed hopefully into his eyes praying that he would give me the answer that I longed to hear.

For the briefest of seconds I saw what looked to me like understanding and then it was gone in an instant. “Whatever…I don’t care. It isn’t like I have anything else to do tonight anyways” was his response…and being the chump in love that I was…I took what I could get at that time.

“Great” I responded…praying to god that this was a sign that the evening was only going to get better…but boy was I wrong. I signaled for the waiter to come back to the table and Kyle was actually tolerable towards him for the remainder of our dinner. He still refused to speak…but I kept a one sided conversation up in hopes that he would relax enough to see that spending an evening with me wasn’t going to be that bad…and even after all my hard work and effort I still got no response. After dinner we walked back to the car hand in hand and he still hadn’t uttered a word. “It’s still kind of early…how about we go hang out at the bar for a while. It just so happens that I know the owner really well and if you play your cards right…he may give you a drink or two on the house…as well as other things” I chuckled…as I tried like hell to lighten the mood.

“Whatever” was his response as he jerked his hand from mine as we waited for the valet to return with my car.

“Right…whatever” I mumbled as I took the keys from the man who had finally appeared with my keys and climbed into the seat besides a fully pouting Kyle. Again we drove in silence…a silence so strong that I felt as if I was going to lose my mind at any moment from it all. I think that I broke some serious speed records as I raced towards my bar in hopes that a few drinks and some good music would mellow his agitated mood.

Leading him to an empty table…I excused myself for a moment as I made my way over to my club manager to check on some club business…but before I did I told the bartender to allow Kyle to have whatever he wanted and it was all on me. I knew that I shouldn’t have left him for as long as I did…but a small emergency had arisen that had to be taken care of immediately. When I finally did get back to the table I found a clearly drunk Kyle sitting in the same spot as I had left him with several empty shot glasses before him. “How many of these has he had” I questioned the waitress as she made her way back to the table with another shot glass full of bourbon that Kyle inhaled before she even had a chance to place it on the table. “Remind me to fire you and Jimmy later” I growled at her…ignoring the tears that were forming in her eyes as she walked away from us. All thoughts of a perfect evening with the perfect man died in that instant. “Come on…lets get you home” I spoke loudly over the beat of the music as I attempted to help him out of the chair.

“Get your @#%$ hands off me” he yelled…jerking away from me as he fell backwards into his seat again. “I don’t want to leave…I want another drink”

“I think that you have had enough”

“Don’t you @#%$ tell me when I have had enough” he hissed as he tried to get his waitress’s attention. I watched as she once again made her way over to where we sat…a look of outright fear plastered on her face as Kyle yelled for another drink. Nodding…I gave her the signal that she could go fetch him another drink and to bring one for me also…for at that particular moment in time I sure as hell needed one badly. For the next hour I could only sit there in stewed silence as he downed drink after drink. On several occasions I had asked him to dance…only to be turned down each and every time. In truth I was getting really sick of watching him drink himself into a stupor…so when a former @#%$ mate came up and asked me if I wanted to dance…I jumped at the chance…leaving Kyle and his drunk ass sitting by himself at the table.

I could feel his eyes on me as I danced with a guy to this very day I cannot for the life of me remember his name. I had slept with him one night during my pre-Kyle days and we just never got to the stage where names were as important as @#%$ each others brains out. I knew that I should have stopped him when he placed his hand upon my leather clad ass…but I wanted to gauge what Kyle’s reaction would be to see another man touching me in the way that I only wanted him to touch me. At first he didn’t move…didn’t even twitch a muscle as this man continued to grope me on the dance floor…but when he leaned in and attempted to kiss me…Kyle was all over his ass in a heartbeat. It wasn’t roses and moonlight…but who was I to question anything as I quickly pulled his drunken form off the man he had knocked to the floor with one punch.

“Don’t you @#%$ touch him like that” he yelled as he dragged me away from the man who was trying to get as far away from Kyle’s crazed ass as possible. Before I had a chance to respond…he had his hands woven within my hair as he jerked my face brutally forward where he crushed his lips forcefully against my own. I knew that he was drunk…but I didn’t care as he ground his body seductively against my every hardening erection. ‘Your place or mine” he slurred as we both gasped for much needed air.

“Your…yours” I stammered as he grabbed my hand and jerked me…as if in a scene from another night off the dance floor and out into the alley towards my waiting car. His hands were all over me as I tried like hell to concentrate on the road before me…but it was too late as a motorcycle cop had appeared from the shadows as I ran my second red light in a row.

“Thanks a lot” I groaned in frustration as I reached over his lap and placed my ticket in the glove compartment before I pulled off of the side of the road. “I hope you realize that you just cost me two hundred and fifty dollars in reckless driving fines”

“I want you” he moaned drunkenly…ignoring the fact that due to him and his ministrations that I had been pulled over by this cop and ticketed for reckless driving. Thankfully it was my first offense and the officer decided to be a little lineate on me…no thanks to my drunken lover who kept asking him if he could wear his motorcycle helmet. “Take me to my place so I can @#%$ you senseless”

“Oh you can best bet that I am taking your drunk ass home” I growled as I pushed him as far away as I could in his horny state as I continued to drive towards his apartment complex where I was going to deposit him into his bed and let him sleep off his stupidity. I was so ready for this night to be over for not one damn thing that I had planned had panned out. I was expecting fun and romance and what I had received instead was belligerence and drunkenness.

“I think that I am going to be sick” he moaned…as he threw open the car door as I pulled into the parking lot and vomited all over the asphalt. “I…I don’t feel so good” he murmured against my chest as I fumbled with his seatbelt in an attempted to remove him from the car. We didn’t get another few steps before the retching sound once again filled my ears and before I knew what had hit me…he proceeded to vomit all over me. I had to fight the urge to throw up myself as the smell of puke wafted into my nostrils as I as quickly as possible assisted him up the three flights of stairs needed to reach his apartment. Within minutes I had him as well as myself as cleaned up as possible as I stripped him down to his boxers and placed him in bed. “I love you Max” I heard him whisper in his drunken stupor as he drifted off to sleep with a satisfied grin upon his face. I could literally feel my heart begin to crack as his words continued to play over and over in my head. I knew that I had to get out of there before I did or said anything that I would regret later…not that it would have mattered to him anyway for he was loudly snoring his ass off behind me…clueless to how deeply he had hurt me.

As I made my way for the door…I spotted the bouquet of flowers that I had brought him earlier this evening as I stood before him with such hope and promise that this would be the night that he realized that he might want to love me as much as I loved him. I had to laugh at how naive I was in my thinking as I grabbed the flowers off the table and walking onto the kitchen and threw them where they belonged…in the trashcan. Without a second glance I stormed out of his apartment…with all intents and purposes of never returning. But…when you’re in love intents and purposes mean nothing when it comes to the one that you long to be with more then life itself.



Chapter Eight


Kyle…

I woke up the next morning with the biggest hangover I had ever experienced in my life. My head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and it was almost impossible to see anything with all the sand that must have been coating my eyes. With each carefully manipulated movement I somehow forced myself off the bed and into the kitchen for a much needed boost of caffeine. As the coffee brewed loudly in the pot behind me I struggled over to the chair I had sitting against the wall and fell backwards into it. I was clueless as to most of what had transpired the previous night…all I could really remember was Zan picking me up and us entering the restaurant and that was all. I wondered where Zan was…and assumed that he had gone home for the evening due to my drunken state. Within seconds that coffee was done and as painful as it was to pull my ass out of that chair…I grabbed onto the trashcan beside me and hauled myself up…and that was when they caught my eye. The flowers that he had given to me before our evening began were just tossed casually in the trashcan…petals were scattered everywhere due to lack of water and this alone caused a sadness that I could not quite explain to flood me. Ignoring the pain in my entire body…I gently took the flowers from where they laid and brought them to the sink where I proceeded to place them in an empty milk carton since I did not have a vase to put them in. As I continued to look at them images of the previous night began to rain over me…and I did not like what I saw. I had been cold…rude…callous…and just plain nasty to the man that had been nothing but kind and understanding from the first moment that I had met him. Pushing all thoughts of how much of an ass I had been to that man…I turned away from the now dying bouquet as I poured a whole pot of coffee down my throat in an attempt to sober myself up enough to get through what I already knew was going to be a very long and tiresome day at work.

As expected the day was horrendous…I had taken to popping aspirin like they were candy as I tried to make the pain in my head disappear and eventually it did…but the gnawing pain in my heart was something that no amount of aspirin was ever going to cure. As the day progressed I became more aware of just how awful I was to Zan and despite the fact that my head kept telling me that it was for the best…my heart kept telling me that if I let him leave my life then I was going to regret it. My head and my heart waged a constant battle for the rest of the day…but it was my conscious that won them both over in the end. I had treated him with the utmost disrespect and there was only one thing to do to make things right. I had to talk to him…explain to him that I wasn’t looking for anything more then friendship from him…and if that wasn’t enough then at least I could always say that I gave it my best shot.

Several hours later after the last of my classes was over I found myself on the doorstep of the one place that I knew I would find him. Letting myself in I scanned the deserted bar and I searched for the one person that I found I was more then a bit eager to see. “Sorry buddy…the bars not open yet” I heard the bartender known as Jimmy yell out from across the room where he sat at a table with the man I had been searching for. Zan had a look on his face that I could not decipher…but the anger in his eyes was more then readable as he got up from the chair he had been sitting on and made his way over to where I stood.

“What are you doing here” he growled thorough clenched teeth as he grabbed my arm and led me towards the door I has just entered. “Come to drink yourself stupid again so I can clean up your mess…thanks…but no thanks” Next thing I knew he had pushed me out the door and was about to leave me dumbfounded on the sidewalk…but I quickly got hold of my wits about me as I begged him to forgive me and allow me to make up for our previous night from hell thanks to my stupidity.

“Zan…please I just wanted to apologize for the way that I acted last night” I called out to his retreating figure as I ran after him and stopped him from walking any further away from me. “I know that I acted like an ass and I would like to make it up to you…if you’ll let me” I watched as he turned and faced me…watched the conflicting emotions that flew across his expressive eyes as I held my breath in wait of his response.

“I don’t…I don’t know” was his response as my heart began to sink into the deepest recesses of my chest. “I just don’t think that it is a good idea for…”

“Please…Zan” I begged…not caring that I was standing in the middle of a crowded sidewalk begging an almost perfect stranger to give me a second chance. I didn’t know why I felt as if my world was going to end if he didn’t give me the answer I needed to hear…but all I did know was that I would be devastated if he didn’t infact give me the answer that I longed for. “Let me cook dinner for you…I mean…I can’t really cook all that well…unless you like spaghetti…I can cook spaghetti really well…and…”

“Dimples…your babbling” he chuckled as he placed his hand upon my shoulders in an attempt to stop my flailing arms.

“I…I…” I stammered…noticing that he still hadn’t removed his hands from my shoulders. “Would you like to come over to my place for dinner tonight” I asked nervously as I gazed deep into his golden-flecked hazel eyes. He hesitated for a moment…causing my breath to catch in my throat as once again I witnessed a plethora of emotions cross his beautiful eyes.

“Ok…” he stated plainly.

“Ok…” I repeated in a gush…as a rush of giddiness raged throughout my relieved body. “Um…great…seven…is seven ok”

“Seven is fine….see you then”

“Right…see you then”

Looking at my watch…I realized that I only had two hours till Zan was due to arrive and I didn’t have a damn bit of food in my house…not even the spaghetti that I had promised him. With a quick smile…I left him standing there and ran happily towards the nearest grocery store for much needed supplies. I could feel my heart expanding with renewed gladness…and yet I had to admit that I did have some reservations about what I was about to do…but I pushed those quickly aside for nothing was going to ruin the perfect evening that I had planned…nothing.

He arrived on time as expected with a box of cookies from the bakery down the street and a bottle of wine. “I brought dessert” he said…handing the box to me as he walked past me and entered my home. A rush of disappointment surged through me when he didn’t kiss me upon his entrance as he had done in the past…but after the way I had acted the night before…I really couldn’t blame him.

“Thanks…dinner will be ready in a few minutes” I said trying to hide my disappointment. “Um…Zan…before we eat I think that we need to talk about a few things first” I watched as he nodded in understanding as he made his way over to the couch and sat upon it. I had rehearsed this same speech over and over in my head before his arrival…and yet as he sat there looking at me with those gorgeous eyes…I found that I had forgotten every damn word.

“Look Kyle…I think I know what you want to say and don’t worry I understand. I tried to push this…this thing between us to quickly and I knew that you weren’t ready for…”

“It’s just that I don’t think I can give you what you want from me Zan” I interjected…as I went and sat on the couch besides him. “What Max and I had was…it was…special and I don’t think that I will ever love anyone as much as I love him…or…I mean…I don’t know what I feel for…”

“Kyle…I’ll take whatever you can give me for now” he responded…taking my hand into his own. “Just know that I won’t wait forever. Your going to have to make a decision one day…but for now lets just take it slow and see what happens…ok”

“Ok” I answered relieved as I continued to sit besides him…dying like hell to kiss him.

“If you want to kiss me it ok” he chuckled lightly as he stared deeply into my eyes as I moved forward and gently placed my mouth over his. Our kiss started out as a slow lingering kiss…but eventually it began to take on a life of its own as it became harder…more passionate but the sound of the ovens buzzer had other ideas as it caused us to jerk apart. “I guess dinner is ready” he chuckled easily as he got up off the couch…dragging me begrudgingly behind him for food was the last thing on my mind at that very moment. “Come on lets eat…I’m starving”



Conclusion...

Zan…

Dinner was actually a very nice experience as he actually held up one end of the conversation for a change. He chatted on endlessly about life in Roswell and everything that he had witnessed or been dragged through due to his clan of alien friends. By the end of our dinner I felt as if I knew each and every one of them personally. It was obvious that he loved his friends very deeply and would do anything to ensure their happiness…and I also knew how devastated he was when he had to leave them. As much as he talked about his friends…not once did he ever mention Max and what it was exactly that he had done to turn him into this person that was so afraid to comment to a relationship…and just why it was that despite whatever it was that he had done…why he wasn’t willing to even try and get over his feelings for him. I was dying to know the whole truth and yet I knew that I couldn’t push him to tell me…that he would have to tell me in his own time…and I prayed that it was soon and I made a vow that once I did find out that I would do everything in my power to ensure that I did whatever I could to make sure that he never felt that way again.

Out of all his friends…Most importantly I hoped to one day meet Michael for it was obvious to me that he was someone that was very special in Kyle’s life as he spoke of countless times where Michael had been his partner in crime. “You’re very lucky to have a friend like that” I spoke…envious that Kyle had the one thing that I had never had with Rath…a true friendship.

“Don’t I know it” he quipped as he got up and began to clear our dishes. “Mike and I have been thorough some tough times in the past…but he has been there for me time and time again and I for him. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t always been there for me. He was the one that forced me to move out here and start a new life and even though I knew he hated the fact that I would be half way across the country…he knew that it was better for me to leave Roswell then stay there and continue in the direction that my life was going”

“Remind me to thank him for that” I chuckled as I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him towards me as I placed a loving kiss upon his lips.

“I will” he blushed as he ran his fingers though my hair as I went in for another round. “Will you stay with me tonight”

I didn’t have to answer him…for there was no way that I was leaving this man alone that night. I wanted to be with him so bad that I had found it almost impossible not to rip his clothes off and ravage his body right there on the kitchen floor. Interlocking our fingers…I tugged him in the direction that I assumed was his bedroom since it was the only other room in the tiny apartment. No words were spoken as we silently undressed each other as we laid down together for our impending lovemaking. Everything was as it should have been…I was with the man that even though I knew it was against my better judgment I was falling more in love with more then I could have ever thought possible. I let him take the lead as he moved atop me and began to kiss me with so much passion that I just knew that I had to be glowing. Closing my eyes…I allowed the sensations that were coursing throughout my veins to take me to a place that I had wanted to visit with him from the moment I had met him. I knew at that very moment in time as his hands and his mouth tenderly explored every inch of my flushed body that there was no going back…that I either had to have of this man wholly…or not at all. I knew that I had told him that I would take what I could get but the idea of not having him in my life…in my bed was enough to send me into a complete bout of madness. I never wanted this night to end…never wanted to have to share him with another…especially my dupe and although I knew that he wasn’t ready to take that next step with me…but with my determination alone I thought was enough for the two of us.

“I need you” he groaned need fully against my ear as he began to rub our two throbbing cocks against each other in an attempt to ease some of the building pressure. “Please…I need you so much Zan” Nodding my head in complete understanding…I flipped easily onto my stomach allowing him entrance into the place that I wanted to feel him buried deep inside of.

“Now Kyle…” I moaned as he ran his fingers along the crack of my ass before he placed his penis against my puckered hole. My breath stuck in my chest as he slowly eased himself in a bit as a time as I adjusted to the sheer size of him. “Oh god…you feel so good” I called out as he sheathed himself fully inside me…causing my own dick to throb painfully from negligence as it lay against the coolness of the sheets. Sensing my need of release as well as his own…he with nimble hands moved me into a kneeling position where he placed my hands quickly on the headboard and with expert hands took my painfully erect dick and began a slow and steady motion that together sent us both over the edge in a matter of minutes.

Afterwards we lay in content silence as we tried to regain some semblance of reality as I held him tightly against my body. “Zan…I heard him whisper as he pulled out of my embrace and gazed deep into my eyes. “I want to tell you about Max and I. What we used to have…everything that has happened to me since I met him”

I knew that telling me about Max was going to be tough for him…so I didn’t say a word as he pulled fully out of my embrace. I watched as he sat back against the wall…pulling his knees to his chest ands began telling his tale from the first night they had come together…until the final day when he had no choice but to leave or die slowly at the hands of a man that claimed to love him fully…and yet hurt him each and every chance he could. I had tears in my eyes as he finished his story of heartbreak and sadness for I could not for the life of me comprehend how it was that someone could even fathom to hurt a man like Kyle. I had been waiting for the likes of him for as long as I could remember and there was nothing that I wouldn’t do to ensure his happiness…to ensure that he would always be with me and me alone.

“Oh Kyle…I am so sorry that he hurt you the way that he did…but he is a fool for not seeing how wonderful you are” I gushed as I moved to sit besides him as I gathered him quickly into my arms. “I know that I told you that we should take it slow…but I love you Kyle. I love you so much and I want you to know that I would never hurt you in any way. I know that you are afraid to love me and I understand that…really I do…but know that I love you and I will do everything I can to make sure that you never hurt again” He didn’t speak the words that I longed to hear…instead he just clung to me and cried like I have never heard anyone cry before and I didn’t care. I was happy that my words touched him…glad that he was man enough to cry in front of me and allow me to comfort the pain that saturated his broken heart.

I guess that we both fell asleep from the sheer exhaustion of it all for when I finally did open my eyes the room was surrounded in total darkness. Kyle was still snuggled within the safety of my arms and I had to suppress a giggle of happiness as I laid him down in an attempt to make him more comfortable and he literally hunted for my embrace as he remained asleep…a smile of contentment covering his face after he found his intended target. “I love you” I whispered against the softness of his hair as I moved him closer against me…once again allowing slumber to transcend over me.


Kyle…

I woke up the next morning snuggled warmly in his arms and felt something that I had never felt while I was with Max…content. There I laid in the arms of a man that shared the same DNA with the man I once thought of as the love of my life…and yet there were as different as night and day and even though I had given up Buddhism years ago…I sent out a silent prayer of thanks for allowing me to see that I could be content with someone other then Max.

“Morning Dimples” I heard him murmur sleepily as he rolled over on his stomach pinning me below his body as he nestled his face in the crevice of my neck before drifting back off to sleep. I continued to lay there content as I listened to the soft breathing noises that escaped from his lips…his warm breath whispered gently against the side of my neck…lulling me back into a peaceful state of slumber right along with him.

“HOLY @#%$” Zan’s screams of panic echoed throughout the small bedroom hours later…as they jerked me from my dreams.

“What…what is it” I asked panicked as I watched through sleep filled eyes as he ran crazed around the room searching for his discarded clothing from the night before.

“I’m sorry Dimples…but I have to go. I was supposed to be at a meeting with some potential clients twenty minutes ago.

“What time is it” I questioned my fears calmed as I rolled over and snuggled into the softness of the pillows.

“Nine twenty five”

“Nine twenty five…holy @#%$. I was supposed to be at work an hour and twenty five minutes ago” I cried out as I jumped out of the bed and ran for my closet searching for something…anything to throw on so I could race to work and get my assed chewed out by the boss for being so late. “Look what being with you has done to me” I laughed as we both ran for the door half dressed as we slammed head on into each other…knocking the two of us to the floor. I don’t think we ever laughed so hard as we did that morning…and it seemed that the harder that we tried to stop it would only get louder and harder. “You know since we are already late…it really shouldn’t matter if we are a few more minutes late…right” I groaned lustfully…as I threw myself on top of his laughter induced body…cutting them off as I covered his lips with my own. It is really needless to say…but an hour later we both did finally make it to the places that we were supposed to be…both with huge smiles plastered across our faces.

After that Zan and I fell into a routine…and I had to admit that I was beginning to feel something for him…and even though in my head I knew it was love…my heart was still not willing to accept it. I was still afraid to utter those three simple words…words that he would speak so easily without the slightest bit of hesitation. I knew that he longed to hear me tell him just how much I loved him…knew that it hurt him when in place of such a simple phrase he received a kiss or a hug. I always hated the small gap of silence after he spoke those words as he waited for my response…his eyes filled with such hope that it almost brought me to tears each and ever time…and then hope would turn into disappointment…and then he would mask his hurt and pretend that it didn’t matter…but I knew differently and yet I said nothing.

We spent every waking moment together…and a lot of unwaking moments as he had basically moved into that tiny apartment of mine. I was happy…I was with a man that for a change worshipped the very ground that I walked on and would do anything to ensure my happiness…but there were still times that I thought about the other. I tried to block him completely from my mind and my heart…but it was as if he held a force on me. I still continued to look at his picture almost nightly as memories of our relationship continued to haunt my very confused and tortured mind. Otherwise life was grand…as far as I knew Zan never knew of my nightly ritual and as far as I was concerned he was never going to. Yes…life was great…it was as if lady luck was shining in my corner for once…and then day things got so far out of control that to this day I still don’t know what really happened…all I knew was that he was gone and this time I knew he wasn’t coming back.

The day started out as any other as we rushed about our tiny kitchen in preparation of a day full of fun and excitement. Zan had received a pair of tickets to a new amusement park that was opening the next town over and had surprised me with them one night after we had finished eating dinner. I was so excited at the prospect of spending the whole day with him as our times together had been getting harder and harder to schedule. Zan was in the process of opening a new bar/club and I was in the middle of mid-terms so time was limited…so when this opportunity presented itself…we both jumped at the chance. As promised the day was full of fun and excitement. It had been so long since I had been to an amusment park of any kind and the fact that I was able to share it with Zan made it all the more wonderful. We did it all…rode the rides…watched the shows…and even had a little nookie fun behind one of the concessions as Zan became extremely jealous when a really good looking man gave me the eye as we waited for our food to be served at that very same concession. I had to admit that I liked Zan being jealous…it made me feel wanted…made me feel loved and let me tell you there is nothing like feeling wanted and loved by someone that you know loves you to your very core.

I hated to see that day end…but as with all good things I knew that it must as we made our way arm and arm out into the parking lot. I was exhausted as I laid my head upon his shoulder…happy and content with how the day had turned out. “I had a really good time today…thank you” I whispered against his ear as he pulled me tighter into his embrace.

“Your welcome” was his response as he kissed me lightly on my forehead before we reached our car. “Come on lets get you home sleepyhead” he chuckled lightly as he held open the passenger door for me as I stepped in…quickly reclaiming my place of comfort as he slide into his seat and adjusted his seat belt. Within moments I was sound asleep as the events of our happy day replayed over and over in my mind.


Zan…

Together we walked arm in arm into his apartment that was for all intents and purposes my apartment as well. I was exhausted…but it was the kind of exhausted that you cherish for it is the type of exhaustion that transpires from one hell of a glorious day spent with the one that you love more then you will ever love anyone else. “Did you have a good time today” I questioned him as we both snuggled on his couch already knowing the answer but still wanting to hear it again. There was nothing that was more important at that time then ensuring his happiness. He was the man that I loved…the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with…and I think that deep down I thought that if I kept him as happy as possible then one day he would utter those three little words that had been dying to hear from the first time I met him.

“I had a really great time” he whispered lovingly against my neck…sending tingles of pleasure shooting down my spine. “Thank you Zan…thank you for everything”

“Hey…what’s a bit of fun for my best guy” I joked…as I laid my head against the back of the couch as I pulled him tighter against my body.

“No…not just for today” He spoke as he pulled out of my embrace and placed his hand along the contours of my face…moving it until I was looking him dead in his eyes. “Thank you for everything…for putting up with me despite the fact that I fought you every step of the way…for always letting me know just how much you love me…even though…even though…”

“Even though you haven’t been able to repeat those words back to me” I finished for him…my heart pounding so hard in my chest that I knew that he had hear it. I knew that we were about to make a breakthrough and I prayed like hell it was those few simple words that would mean the world to me to hear if even just once.

“Yes…” he responded…looking down at his feet. He had a look on his face that I could not quite read…but then it was gone as he looked back into my eyes and spoke not the words that I longed to hear…but ones so close that they alone sent me into a tailspin. “I just want you to know that you make me happy and I am so happy that you decided to give me another chance. I care for you Zan…please don’t ever doubt that I care for you very deeply…because I do”

“I know” I whispered…trying like hell to fight the tears that I knew were glistening in my eyes. “I love you Kyle…and I know that one day you will utter those words that I want to hear…but for now these few words you just spoke mean more to me that you can ever imagine…thank you” It may not seem like a lot to you…but at the time…knowing the frame of mind that he was in…it was more then enough to satisfy me. Those words proved to me that he did in fact have feelings for me…that he didn’t just look at me as someone to bide his time with until someone…or a certain someone came along. “Lets go to bed” I murmured as I pulled myself off the couch…intertwining my fingers with his own as we made our way to our love nest. That night was one of the greatest nights of my life. I was still reeling from the wonderful day that he had had…but that night our relationship took a turn into a completely different direction and I just knew that it was going to be a matter of time before I had this man agreeing to commitment. That night was magical…it wasn’t just sex…it was the whole making love to the only person that you ever wanted to give of yourself wholly too…and that night was just what I had been waiting for my whole life…and then it all went to hell in a hand basket in a matter of hours.

“I love you” I purred against his ear as I held him in my arms. I found that I couldn’t stop touching him…that I wanted to feel every inch of his glorious body as I quickly dissolved his unneeded clothing for I wanted to take my time to enjoy my exploration of his glorious body.

“I know…” he whispered as he arced his neck forward allowing me better access as I swathed it with my tongue during the beginning stages of my exploration. I could smell the lingering remains of the cologne he had splashed on earlier that morning and to say that it had driven my wild was an understatement as I attacked his neckline with even more vigor…causing a moan of lust to spring fourth from his swollen lips.

“You are so beautiful” I moaned against his lips as I captured them yet again under my own…my hands working their way over the softness of his back. Reluctantly I pulled my mouth away from his supple lips as I worked my way once again down his throat towards his rippled chest. He had the body of a god…a fuckingly fantastically good-looking roman greco god and for once in my life I thanked the good lord above for bringing something good into my life. My hands continued to wander over the suppleness of his skin as I scraped a finger over his hardened nipple. I couldn’t stop the smile that covered my face at the sharp intake of breath that I heard from him as I quickly replaced my hand with my more then eager mouth.

“Zan…please don’t stop” he moaned as I moved my way south as my hands ran over his gorgeous ass. The man had an ass that you could bounce a quarter off of and I never really knew what that meant but as I planted a playful smack upon it…it became crystal clear. Standing behind him I continued my exploration as I nipped and sucked my way down his finely corded backside until I was kneeling as if in admiration of his well defined ass. Without a moments hesitation I grasped his hips firmly within my fiery hands as I playfully bit him on his rounded lobe. I was only teasing him…but when he let out a moan of total want as he reached down and entangled his fingers within my hair as he guided me towards his forbidden hole…I had no choice but to give the man what he wanted. Separating his cheeks…I laved my tongue in the one place that I knew my straining dick was going to be visiting soon. I know that this may sound gross to you…but with Kyle it felt perfectly normal as I continued my ministrations…causing another animalistic groan to flow across his lips.

Poor Kyle…I knew what I was doing to him was about to drive him nuts as he grabbed his pulsing dick and began to jerk off quite viciously…but I wanted that honor alone. “Not so fast Dimples” I chuckled lustfully as I slide through his legs…his huge manhood springing invitingly before my moistened lips. “This is mine…and only mine” Again I planted my hands firmly upon his luscious ass as I took him fully in my hot mouth.

“@#%$ YEAH” he screamed out as he latched his hands once again upon my head as he shoved his dick so far down my throat that I couldn’t help but gag. However I quickly recovered as I quickened the pace that I knew he needed…relaxing my throat muscles in the process for complete deep throat action. I loved the way that he fit perfectly in my mouth…loved the way that it was me that was causing the slew of dirty words to echo loudly throughout the tiny room. I knew he was close as the grip that he held on my head grew painfully tighter…but I didn’t care. I was all about pleasing that man and no amount of pain was going to detour me from my mission.

“Come for me Dimples” I growled against him as I once again allowed him to deep throat me. I didn’t have to wait long as he began to @#%$ my mouth with such vigor that I almost lost control my self when he finally did reach his release…screaming out my name in totally ecstasy.



Kyle…

“OMFG…ZAAAAN” I had screamed out as another mind-altering orgasms over took my shuddering body. I didn’t know what it was about that man…but every time that he touched me he had such an effect on me…so unlike anything I ever felt with Max. Falling to my knees…he didn’t give me much time to gather my gasping breath as he attached his semen coated lips to my own. It was once of the most intense kisses that we had ever had and I found that I never wanted it to end…not ever. I realized at that very moment that my feelings for Zan had in fact changed…that although I did care for him a great deal…it was not the correct word to express the true depths of my feelings for him. I was in love…in love with a man that I swore that I would never allow myself to fall in love with…and yet there it was. “Zan…” I moaned against those same lips that had given me the greatest of pleasures not moments before as I broke our scorching lip lock intent on speaking those words that he had been longing to hear from the first time we had made love all those months ago. “Zan…I…I…”

The ringing on the doorbell quickly ended all thoughts of proclaiming my love of that man. “Ignore it” he whispered as he once again took my lips beneath his. However the person…or persons as it turned out to be had other ideas as in their impatience they began to lean on the buzzer with renewed determination. “@#%$ me” he groaned out in frustration as he fell back against the floor. I couldn’t stop the grin that plastered itself on my face at his choice of words as he laid there with a look of pure molten lust radiating from his eyes.

“Of that I have all intentions” I countered as I laid myself fully atop him with all intents of ignoring what I assumed was either a bible thumper or someone that wanted to sell me something. All thoughts of my uninvited guest quickly vanished as I forcefully ripped the cotton shirt that he was wearing down the middle…exposing his exquisite chest and stomach. Tweaking his more then sensitive pierced nipples between my fingers caused him to jerk upward as he sucked in much needed air through clenched teeth. “Do you like it when I do that” I questioned as I tightened the hold that I held on them by twisting them as tenderly as possible.

“Yes…” he cried out through those same clenched teeth. I had to admit that those few words caused a flurry of excitement to run through me at all the possibilities that we could enter in our sex life. I knew that Zan had been around the block a time or two for he had been brutally honest about it one night as we got to talking about our past sexual experiences. I had to admit that I was nothing more then a @#%$ armature when it came to sex since I had only been with one other man in my lifetime. He had told me that he had tried just about everything possible and that he liked to experiment when it came to sex…and that night I was more then eager to start my own experiments.

“Do you want to me to do it again” I teased as I blew lightly against his inflamed nubs as I flicked my tongue along the heated dumbbells that protruded from his tender spots. “Do you want me to do it again…Zan”

“Again…” he growled as he arched upwards in an attempt to affix my lips to his neglected nipples…but I had other ideas as I raked my fingernails roughly down his chest and over his sensitive nipples…as I stopped right above his pelvic area. He was wiggling so much underneath me as I continued to straddle him that I thought I was going to blow another load from the friction of it all. “Kyle…please…don’t tease. I want to @#%$ you…now” he spoke lustfully as he quickly turned the tables on me as he pinned me below his pulsing penis. I didn’t have a chance to react…and in truth I really had nothing to say as he slammed his hardened dick so far up my ass that I could have sworn I had seen stars. I could feel the sweat as if poured off his body…covering my fully over heated one as he continued to pound into me unmercifully. I knew he was ready as he quickened his pace as he exploded into me filling me with his juices.

“How is it that we always seem to never make it to the bed lately” I giggled as I laid my head upon his heaving chest as we continued to lay on the floor after our last bout of lovemaking.

“The floors closer” he laughed as he wrapped his arms tighter around my shoulder…placing a quick kiss upon my tussled head of hair. “You know I can never wait to make love to you Dimples” his laughter mixed with my own for we both knew that his words were true and to the point. Our relationship had changed…it had gotten better and most times we could barely keep our hands off of each other. Time and time again we would end up making love on the floor of my room…the kitchen…even the bathroom floor was non virginal…but that was one of the reasons that I loved that man...since I never knew what or where we were going to end up screwing like bunnies next. “Damn…I am running late” he cried out as he placed a quick kiss on my lips and slipped out from under me…running in the direction of the bathroom.

“Late for what” I questioned to his retreating figure…but he hadn’t heard me as he closed the door behind him. I heard the water from the shower beat down onto the surface of the tub as he sang some undetectable song in an off key tone. I couldn’t help but forget what I had entered the bathroom for as I gawked at his distorted figure through the glass of the shower door. Even distorted you couldn’t help but admire the buffness that was Zan. We were both very muscular men…but Zan was more finely sculptured and I was as usual rendered speechless as I continued to gape at him.

“Look…you can either stare at my naked ass for the next ten minutes or you can get in here and let me make love to you one last time before I leave for my trip. I had found my voice quickly as I thrust open the shower door and stood before him thoroughly confused as to what the hell he was talking about.

“Trip…leave…” I stammered as he jerked me into the stall where we had shared many a sexual encounters in the past months as he pinned me against the wall and attempted to kiss me. “Zan…stop. What the hell are you talking about going on a trip. You never told…”

“I did tell you…the other night when you were pouting over the fact that I had disturbed you while you were talking to Michael on the phone. Remember…you wouldn’t talk to me for an hour and then when I tried to leave you were all over me”

I could remember that night quite vividly as Mike was about to tell me something about Max and Liz and before he had a chance to spill it Zan had walked in and grabbed the phone from my hands…telling Mike that he had something to tell me and that I would call him back later. I was livid and as Zan had stated would not speak to him for well over an hour as he chatted on about some @#%$ about work…and then it hit me. He had told me about this trip…but I hadn’t heard it due to the fact that I was too busy stewing over what I perceived as rudeness and of course the fact that I was still hung up on Max had nothing to do with it. Back then I was still filled with some hope that Max would leave Liz and come for me…and then stupidity reared its ugly head again. I knew that he must have told me…but I was angry. Angry at the fact that he was leaving me alone and even angrier as the events of that night replayed in my head.

“Your @#%$ crazy” I ranted as I pulled briskly away from him. I threw open the door…causing it to slam loudly against the tiled wall as the glass shattered all over the floor. “Just @#%$ great” I yelled hysterically as I grabbed a towel off the back of the toilet and ran from the steamed room. I could hear him as he called after me…but I chose to ignore him as I began fumbling through my dresser for some clean clothes.

“Kyle…what the hell is your problem” I heard him speak brusquely behind me. “I told you that I was leaving today…that was why I planned this whole day for us so we…”

“I knew that there was a reason for this…” I countered accusingly as I turned to face him…madness unlike anything that I had every felt before coursing wildly through me. “So that was you plan…take me out for a glorious day” I mocked as I continued to let the madness over take me. “@#%$ me senseless and then leave my ass. I should have know that I couldn’t trust you…that you were using me for…”

“Don’t do this Kyle…please” he begged as he stepped forward as he attempted to take me in his arms.

“Don’t do what…” I pushed him away as the sounds of my hands upon his bare skin echoed loudly around us. I watched as he jerked backwards…watched as he almost fell to the floor as he lost his footing…only to catch himself on a nearby nightstand. “Call it like it is…and just how long will you be gone…and with whom will you be with since we all know that it sure as hell isn’t going to be me”

“Kyle…I’m not going with anyone but Jimmy from the bar. You know that we have been trying to open another bar in L.A. and I have to meet with the investors in New York. I’ll only be gone for a week”

“So…you’ve been @#%$ Jimmy on the side too huh” I questioned as the madness continued to roll off of me in waves of craziness. “Get your @#%$ together and get the @#%$ out of my house and don’t’ you dare @#%$ come back”

“Kyle…where is this coming from” he questioned me sadly. I could see the hurt so plainly in his eyes…but it only served to egg me on. “Your being irrational…you know that I love you…you’re the only man that I will ever love”

“Well isn’t that convenient…you love me and have Jimmy as your @#%$ buddy when ever you want. Well…tell you what Zan…you run off to New York with Jimmy and @#%$ him till you die”

“I don’t know where the @#%$ this is coming from…but I will tell you this…get over it and get over it quick Kyle…because if I walk out of her tonight and you are still acting like this…I won’t be @#%$ coming back”

“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass of your way out” I rebutted as I grabbed his shirt off the floor at my feet and tossed it roughly at him. I didn’t really know where that anger was coming from…all I knew at that time was that I wanted him gone and I wanted Max more then I had ever wanted him before. I watched as he turned from me and walked into the bathroom…slamming the door furiously behind him. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes as I ran for the one thing that meant more to me at that point in time…my only true possession of love…my picture of Max. I held my tears at bay as I continued to look at the picture of the man that had made me the happiest and the saddest in the short few years that I had know him. I was in my own little world as I traced his outline with my finger as images of what was my life with Max flooded my confused mind. I was so into my own little Max world that I didn’t hear him come up behind me…only heard an ungodly animalistic growl as it angrily reached my ears…felt the only real thing I had of Max as it was jerked violently from my clutches and incinerated before my very eyes.

“FIX IT…YOU MOTHER @#%$” I screamed out as I tried to dive for what was left of my last token of affection from the one that I still loved despite everything he had done to me…only to have my advances thwarted as he slammed me painfully against the wall. I tried to break out of his grip…but he was far more powerful then I was as he yet again slammed me into the broadness of the wall. I watched through dazed eyes as he attempted to speak…watched as his lips tried to form words that would just not come. As if in slow motion…I watched as the arm that didn’t have me pinned to the wall formed into a fist…watched as that very fist came barreling towards my unprotected face…watched as it whizzed past my face and struck the wall directly besides me. I felt the cool air as it rushed past my startled face…felt my head jerk abruptly as his fist made the connection with the wall besides me…felt a sharp sting in my ass as I fell quickly to the floor below as he without a second glance in my direction stormed out of the door and out of my life yet again. It was like a similar scene with Max…the one where he left me sitting dumbfounded on the floor as my heart broke into a million pieces.

He was gone…he had run out of my life and all I could so was sit on the floor and bawl like a spoiled rotten child. I was devastated and confused…in general I was one @#%$ up person. I had no idea what to do…what to think…but what I did know that it was my entire fault. I was the one that had caused this…and as always it was due to my stupidity. I loved Zan for I had already come to that conclusion as I was about to tell him so…and yet when things didn’t go my way I did what I always did…I focused all my attention back towards Max. I didn’t think that that night could have gotten any worse…but oh was I wrong…so very wrong.



Zan…

I tried to hold them at bay as I raced down Main Street in an attempt to flee the hurt and the pain of finding him…even after the glorious day we had had…mooning over that @#%$ picture of Max Evans. I may have tried to hold them at bay…but my tears had other ideas as they bled fastly from eyes…just like the way my heart was bleeding from the sheer upset of it all. I was devastated…and more then a little angry with myself for I knew when I started this relationship with him that he had a lot of baggage…that he in fact was still in love with another man. I felt like such a fool for he had told me quite plainly that he would never stop loving my dupe and yet I pushed future…pushed ahead with the love that I felt for him…knowing deep down that eventually this night was going to happen. I was blinded by my own devastation that I didn’t even see the stop sign that I had blown through…didn’t see that same motorcycle cop from a previous night before until it was too late and he was pulling me over yet again.

“We seem to be meeting time and time again” he spoke gruffly through the window of my car and he wrote down my driving information as I waited for my impending ticket. “So…where is your little helmet loving friend” I looked at him as I tried to speak…but my tears spoke alone as they as well as the sobs that I had been hiding went crashing down all over me.

“I’m sorry” I sobbed…feeling like such as ass as he continued to stand before my window with a look of pure shock upon his face. He just stood there speechless looking at me with a look of pity and understanding as he ripped up the ticket and shoved the tiny pieces into the pocket of his leather jacket.

“What’s say we just forget about this ticket for tonight”

“Thank…thank you. I’m just having a really bad night tonight I guess” I hiccupped…thoroughly embarrassed as I searched for something…anything to wipe my dripping nose with.

“Here” she said as he handed me a handkerchief he had taken from another pocket. “Look…you really seem like you could use someone to talk to and I my shift ends in about twenty minutes…so if you want to talk I know this bar over on Jefferson where we could talk”

“I own that bar” I chuckled lightly as I wiped at my nose once again.

“Really…you own DJ’s” he questioned.

“Daniel James…you should know that since in the last week you have pulled me over twice” I attempted at a joke trying like hell to cover the embarrassment of the whole situation.

“Yeah…your right” he laughed as a faint blush had began to spread across his face. “But if you didn’t keep breaking traffic laws I wouldn’t have had to pull you over…now would I. So how about it…would you like to meet me for a drink later”

Then it was my turn to sit there with a look of sheer shock on my face for I could not believe after the horrendous night that I had had…this man was asking me out for a drink. I was speechless…and truth be told I was so angry with Kyle and myself that I even considered taking him up on his offer. But since I had been with Kyle I had changed. I was no longer that man that @#%$ anything that came on to me…I wanted more then that. I wanted to be in love and all that good stuff that went along with it. Don’t get me wrong…I wanted Kyle to suffer for hurting me that way that he did…but I didn’t want to hurt an innocent bystander in the process either. “Thank you for the offer officer…but I am going to have to decline. I have a plane to catch in about two hours and I really need to get home and pack” I could tell that he was trying to figure out if the words I had spoken were just a line or if they were really true and I guess that he decided that they were true for he nodded and walked back to his car…only to open the door and grab something and then make his way back to where I continued to sit.

“The name is Isaiah Washington” he said as he handed me his business card. “My offer still stands if you want to get together for a drink when you get back from your trip” I took the card and thanked him as I causally tossed it in the ashtray of my car and drove off.

I was exhausted…mentally and physically as I boarded that plane headed for New York. I tried to sleep…but everything that had happened that night kept invading my already screwed up mind. On more then one occasion I had to excuse my self and run to