Author: Kath7

Category: M/L

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am borrowing the characters from Roswell and the lyrics from Sarah McLachlan with thanks.

Summary: Post-Departure. Dealing with that damn baby (innocent/shminnocent - it’s the spawn of Tess…its just gotta be all bad) and that damn Sean Deluca.

Author’s Note: This story alternates pov from Liz to Max with each part. Each part is entitled for a Sarah McLachlan song, with whom I identify the good ol days of Max and Liz.

Part 1 - Black and White (Liz POV)

Unravel me,
Distant cord.
On the outside is forgotten
Constant need to get along
And the animal awakens
And our love feels black and white.

The road is long and memory slides
To the whole of my undoing
I put aside
I put away
I push it back
To get through each day
And all I fell is black and white
And I’m wound up small and tight.

Everybody loves you when you’re easy,
Everybody hates you when you’re a bore,
Everybody is waiting for your entrance
Don’t disappoint them.

Unravel me
Untie this cord
The very centre of our union
It’s caving in.
I can endure
I am the archive of our failures
And all I feel is black and white
And I’m wound up
Small and tight
And I don’t know who I am.

Don’t disappoint them.

Sarah McLachlan

I am in my bedroom, staring at myself in the mirror which hangs over my dresser.

I don’t look any different than I did yesterday. Shouldn’t I be able to see it? Shouldn’t I be able to see the shame written all over my face - shame that I gave in to Max Evans again, that I let him stomp all over my heart for weeks and then the minute he told me that he loved me, I fell right back into his arms?

I am so weak. I know it. All my friends know it. Everyone knows it.

And they all want me to be. They want me to let things return to normal, want Max and I to get back together - they want everything to go back to the way it used to be, before it all happened, want to pretend that none of it ever happened, that we didn’t almost let one devious, back-stabbing blonde witch destroy everything that we all used to share.

I know its what they all want.

I don’t know what the heck I want.

When I spoke to Maria on the phone last night, she had sounded a little distracted. I could hear Michael talking to Mrs. Deluca in the background, so I didn’t really blame her, but I couldn’t help but feel that she was being a little dismissive of what I was feeling - which was like a complete failure.

After two weeks of having one thing to live for - finding Alex’s killer - now all I had left was the disaster that Max and I had allowed our relationship to become. And all I really wanted to do was to forgive him, to move on, to BE with him. At least that’s what I thought I wanted.

I had ALSO wanted Maria to talk me out of it. She had not been helpful.

"Liz, no one will blame you chicca." Maria had told me. "You love Max. You know he loves you. If you had just told him that all those months ago…"

I had interrupted her. "Are you trying to tell me that this is all my fault?"

Maria had sighed heavily. "It’s not your fault Liz. It’s his fault. Future Max’s. He came back and caused all this chaos and left you to clean up the mess. Its her fault too, that little murderous tramp, but I won’t even go there, because you already know it!" I could almost see Maria’s chest heaving with indignation. I could hear her taking a deep breath and she sounded a little calmer when she said, "You have every right to be with Max, to explain it all to him. You have every right to forgive him. He has to be given a chance to try and fix this. Because you know that none of this was HIM. This is not how he was supposed to turn out. Don’t let her win by not giving him a second chance."

"This isn’t how I’m supposed to turn out." I had muttered back. But I could tell that she wasn’t really listening to me. She had the mouthpiece half covered, but I could hear her whispering to Michael. "Bye Maria."

"Oh, bye Liz. Listen, I’ll talk to you about this tomorrow, okay?"

"Whatever." But she was already gone.

Well, its tomorrow and I still don’t know what to do. And I promised Max I would talk to him today.

When we had said good-bye yesterday, after getting back from watching Tess blast out of our lives, neither of us really knew what to say. We both knew that we had a lot of stuff to talk about, but it just seemed so exhausting at the time. We had agreed that we would talk today, try and sort this all out.

But I’m not ready. I know that now. Because I have no idea what I want to do. I am completely torn in two directions…

And its all because of the baby.

The baby that exists out in the universe somewhere, the one that was supposed to be MY baby, because Max is MY soulmate, the one that Max is determined to find.

I think I could have forgiven him for the sex. Really. I mean, he thought I had done it with Kyle, he didn’t know that Tess was a manipulative weasel, thought that she was his destiny, had started to remember what he had shared with her in another lifetime (although how he could have EVER loved her makes me wonder if him loving me is such a gift after all - but I digress).

Max thought that we were completely finished. I had told him as much at the prom.

It’s not the sex. It’s the fact that I know that if he ever finds Tess’s child, I am never going to be able to accept it.

I know that it is completely irrational, that the baby is innocent, that a baby can’t be blamed for the sins of its parents, but I can’t help but hate it. I hate that it exists, hate that if I do get back together with Max and we ever have children, this other kid will be around, always reminding me that, for one brief period of time, Max did not love me anymore. I will have to explain to my children that their father once stopped loving me.

I hate myself for hating it. I do. And I hate Max because I hate myself for hating it.

It is just so ironic that the night that Max and I were supposed to have sex for the first time, he had protection. Future Max had told me as much. It meant that Max hoped that he would get the chance to use it, that he wanted to use it with ME.

The fact that he didn’t have it with him when he slept with Tess just makes me more mad. Because it means that he had absolutely no intention of sleeping with her until the moment arose. It meant that he was careless and it also meant that he didn’t really love her because he didn’t even bother to protect her.

I have no love lost for Tess, but the fact that Max could do that with someone he didn’t really love…

How, if and when we ever do it, can I be sure that he loves me? Because to me, sex is the ultimate gift two people who love each other can give one another. It was why I screamed at Max that I was saving myself for him. Until that moment I hadn’t even realized it, but it was totally true.

I was still in love with Max Evans and I knew that I was never going to love anyone else the way I loved him. Which meant that I was never going to have sex. Ever.

And if Max could do that with Tess, on the spur of the moment, out of nowhere, it means that it just doesn’t mean as much to him.

Which also makes me wonder if I ever really knew him at all.

This is what that baby represents to me. All of this. And its why I will never be able to accept it.

And it also means that Max and I should never get back together. Because Max is determined to find his child - and if he wasn’t, I still wouldn’t be with him, because then I would know that he still wasn’t the Max that I fell in love with. The Max I know and love takes responsibility for his actions.

It’s, again, supremely ironic, that when MY Max finally decides to show his face again, by being responsible and careful, it still means I can’t be with him.

We can’t ever be together.

And somehow I have to tell him.

Someone is knocking at the window.

I close my eyes briefly, take a deep breath before turning around, expect to see Max poking his head through my window, like he has done so many times in the past.

But its not Max.

"Sean! What are you doing?" I demand, hurrying across the room and pulling him roughly through.

"Hey Parker! Watch the merchandise." Sean grins in that charming way of his, trying to get me to loosen up.

He is the last person on the face of the planet I want to deal with at the moment. Even AFTER Max.

I am still embarrassed about throwing myself at him like I did two nights ago.

I had had no intention of doing that when I had gone to the Delucas. I had every intention of sobbing in Maria’s arms, of both of us trying to get over the fact that the only boys we would ever love were leaving us, of mourning Alex.

I remember I was so scared. Max was leaving me alone and I didn’t know what I was going to do. We still didn’t know who had killed Alex. How could he leave me alone with a murderer out there?

But, even then, I knew that wasn’t what I was really scared of.

I was scared of being alone for the rest of my life.

Which is why, when Sean opened the door, and his eyes had lit up in that way they tend to do when I’m around, I threw myself at him.

I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget everything, to forget that my soulmate was gone, that he belonged to someone else now, that he had broken my heart.

Above all I had wanted to get rid of my damn virginity. Sex had been what had driven Max and I apart in every way and I wanted it over with. In that instant, when I pulled Sean’s lips down to mine, I decided that sex wasn’t about love at all. It was about trying to fill the emptiness in your soul, even if just for a little while.

And so we had ended up on the pull-out couch and I had felt Sean’s hands on my body and yet all I could see in my mind was Max watching me, his dark eyes full of pain. I kept seeing the expression on his face when he had caught me in bed with Kyle and I had been unable to stop the tears from coming. Because the emptiness wasn’t going away.

This was the wrong person.

And he is still the wrong person, standing in front of me now, eyeing me with concern.

"I just came to see how you’re doing." Sean tells me now. "You know, after you and Maria ran out last night, I was worried about you."

I turn away, stare at myself in the mirror again. "I’m okay. Thanks though."

"Parker?" Sean’s tone is pleading. "I know that you said that you need time to get over that jerk, but we can still be friends in the meantime, can’t we?"

I bite my lip. I don’t want to hurt Sean anymore than I already have. I know that I am never going to be with him, especially with Max still around.

I’m weak. I know it. Everyone knows it.

"I can’t really…" I turn around. I need to look at him while I told him the truth. That I was going to try and make things work with Max.

Because that was the awful truth.

I couldn’t give him up.

And I was even going to help him find the baby.

That’s how weak I am. Seeing Sean, it just made me realize it even more.

He was a juvenile delinquent, but even I knew he was better for me than Max Evans.

And I was still going to deny him.

Because, even though Max has the ability to break my heart again and again, and, even though I know he’s going to do it too, I was going back to him. Not because I wanted to, but because that’s what happens when you’re star-crossed, when you’d die for each other.

When you love each other.

Because if there’s one thing I do know, its that Max loves me. I, at least, believe that.

And it was the knowledge of the way that Max feels about me that made me fall in love with him in the first place, all the way back on that first day after I knew the truth about him. When he connected with me and let me see who he was.

I had seen into his soul and it had been beautiful and I had to believe that deep down that’s still who he is.

And so I love him.

Love sucks.

But I never get the chance to tell Sean any of this because there is movement out on the balcony and I know it’s Max.

"Liz, are you in there?" His voice sounds hopeful, nervous, even though he should know I’m here. We arranged to meet after all.

"Look Sean, you have to go." I grab him by the jacket and pull him out through my bedroom door.

But he has no intention of going anywhere. He is staring at me in shock. "That’s not him is it?"

I play dumb. "I don’t know what you’re talking about."

But it’s too late, because Max is at the window and he’s staring in at us. I see his eyes fall on Sean, see the open expression he was wearing turn instantly wary, shuttered.

Back in hiding. That quickly. That’s my Max.

"Oh. You have company." He turns away. "I can come back."

And I know what’s going through his mind. He’s remembering that night he stared in that same window at me and Kyle in bed together. Even though he knows now that that wasn’t real, I know that it still haunts him.

It is my ONLY consolation in the Tess disaster. At least I didn’t see them together like that. Seeing him kissing her at the prom was bad enough. If I had actually seen them how Max saw me and Kyle…

I push the thought out of my head. I am beginning to feel a little sick.

I can see that Max feels the same way. He actually looks a little green.

"No! Max! Wait!" He pauses, turns around to stare in at us again. "Sean is just leaving." I say firmly, pushing him out fully.

Sean sighs heavily. "What is it with girls and guys who hurt them?" He demands, as he allows himself to be pushed through the living room and to the outside door.

"Never mind. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Just go please. I cannot deal with you right now."

Sean pauses at the door. "Liz, I never want to make your life more difficult. You know I think you’re making a mistake so I won’t even say it."

"Thank you Sean." I say it sarcastically, but I sort of mean it.

Because I know I’m making a mistake too.

Part 2 - Sweet Surrender - Max POV

Doesn’t mean much,
Doesn’t mean anything at all.
The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room.
I’ve crossed the last line
From where I can return,
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home.

Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give.

Take me in
No questions asked.
You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me
Are you an angel?
Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I won’t disappoint you.
I’m down here on my knees…

Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give.
Sweet surrender…
Is all that I have to give.

I don’t understand how the touch of your hand…
I would be the one to fall.
And its the little things,
I miss everything about you.
It doesn’t mean much,
It doesn’t mean anything at all.
The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room.

Sarah McLachlan

I had the weirdest dream last night. Well, weird is an understatement. Twisted and sick is a little more accurate.

I didn’t think I was going to sleep at all after getting back from the pod chamber. My mind was in about five hundred places at once, wondering how the hell my life had ended up such a colossal mess. I was even beginning to make a list of all the things I had to resolve when Isabel came into see me because the Sheriff still hadn’t given the tape we made to our parents (thank God) and we had to somehow come up with a way to explain what the hell had happened to the Jeep.

Isabel wanted to tell them the truth. She’s still mad at me that I said no, but telling Mom and Dad has to go at the bottom of the list. I’ve got other stuff to worry about right now.

So dealing with that was fun. Really. Yeah. Oh, I’m grounded until my next birthday by the way.

Anyway, after Izzy left, I went back to my list.

Lists. Making one made me think of Liz of course. I still grin to myself when I think about that list of questions she had for me that day after she found about who I really was. Her scientific, logical mind is one of the things I love about her. She once told me not to think she was a dork because she knew so much about science, but I, of course, never thought that. It was just one of the many things that impressed me about her.

Anyway, I’m getting side-tracked here. Thinking about all the things I love about Liz Parker has the tendency to do that. It always has, except for a very short period of time which only ended two days ago.

I couldn’t think about what I loved about Liz in that period of time. Because if I had, I know I wouldn’t have gotten through it. So, instead, I was an ass. It helped a little bit - helped ME anyway. It certainly didn’t help anyone else.

It didn’t help Alex.

But, well, I think you know all about that.

I think about Alex all the time, about how my stupid life killed him. Because he wouldn’t have died if he hadn’t been brought into the disaster that follows me everywhere. Tess wouldn’t have had access to him if it wasn’t for me.

People on the outside of our group probably didn’t realize that Alex and I weren’t that close. Even after everything that’s happened in the past year, the secret the eight of us shared bonded us in a way that it made everyone on the outside think that we were all really great friends.

I wish I’d taken the time to get to know him better. I mean, I did know him, but I certainly didn’t appreciate him, appreciate what he was to Izzy, what he was to Liz…

It wasn’t until he died that I began to realize how important he was to Liz, really. I mean, I had sort of known it because of how bad things got between them when she was still shutting him out about our secret, but he was so much a part of everything that went down with the six of us after he did know, I think I forgot that he and Liz had a bond that extended beyond me and my problems. Can we say self-absorbed? I’ve often been that way, but you all know that too and if you don’t, well ask Michael and Isabel. They probably have archived records.

Anyway, Liz and Alex. She knew him, knew that he would never kill himself. I remember knowing it too when she first told me that the Sheriff had suggested it. And I remember also finally accepting it gratefully when the Sheriff told me it had to be true - because then it wasn’t my fault.

I’ve never been very good at accepting responsibility. I’m only beginning to see that now, after the way I completely bailed on Liz after Alex died. I’m tempted to make another list, but I think you all know what I’m talking about anyway.

Responsibility. No, It’s not my forte. I put on a good show though. Lots of people think I’m pretty responsible.

I’m responsible when its easy. Where Liz Parker is concerned, its never easy.

One thing I WAS good at was picking the right people to trust: Liz, Maria, Alex, Valenti…even Kyle to a certain degree.

Ummmm…we’ll get back to Tess in a minute.

I want to get back to my dream before I get totally sidetracked from the topic of Alex, because he was in it.

Like I said, it was weird. Because, in my dream, he wasn’t dead. Well, maybe he was. It was hard to tell. I told you it was twisted.

I was at the Crashdown, sitting in my usual booth. I even knew why I was there - to get Liz back of course.

But it was Alex who came out the swinging door leading into the break room. He marched right over to me and sat down. "Hey Max. I need to talk to you."

As is the case in dreams, this seemed perfectly normal, although in the dream I was aware that Alex was dead. "Okay." I even realized in the dream that I had not had a conversation alone with Alex since the time I was trying to convince him not to turn me in when he let Liz and Isabel use his blood to save me in the hospital.

"I need to know what you’re going to do about the baby." Dream Alex said.

I stared at him. "How do you know about the baby?" I asked, totally confused, since Alex had, of course, been killed before Tess and I had ever had sex.

"I knew a lot more than you think I did." Dream Alex told me calmly.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

But Dream Alex changed the subject. "If you won’t talk about the baby, then tell me what you’re going to do about Liz."

"Why?" I demanded, getting a little creeped out. If there was one thing Alex Whitman had not been, it was this calmly controlled, especially when it came to his friends. Michael had told me about the time Alex had come to punch his lights out about Maria when the whole Courtney thing was going on. My subconcious knew this and you would have thought that my dream would have reflected it.

But no. He seemed merely curious, like he was interested, but it didn’t really matter to him one way or the other.

"Never mind." Dream Alex stood up and started to walk towards the exit. "I knew it all anyway."

"Alex!" I yelled after him, but he ignored me, walking through the double doors outside. I tried to get up to go after him, but it was useless. I was stuck in my seat.

I suddenly became aware of Liz near the counter. She was dressed in her Crashdown uniform and she wasn’t alone.

Sean Deluca was sitting on one of the stools. Dream Liz was standing between his legs, WAY too close to him in my opinion, and I began to listen in horror to their conversation from where I was still stuck to my seat.

"What’s going on Sean?" Said Dream Liz. As I watched, Dream Sean reached up and gently pulled Liz’s alien ear headband off her head and set it down on the counter.

"I just wanna talk Parker."

"About what?" Dream Liz asked flirtatiously, trying to kiss him. I tried to look away but, like I said, I was frozen.

"About what I feel for you." And then Dream Sean turned and looked over Liz’s shoulder, right at me. "I look at you, and I know you’re the person I’m supposed to be with. I’ve always known it. It’s fate." He sneered in my direction and then looked back at Dream Liz.

Why did those words sound so familiar to me? And then I remembered. They were the words I had said to Liz when I had come to reassure her about Tess, right before she caught me kissing Tess out in the rain about three minutes later.

At least I had had an excuse that time. Tess mindwarped me.

As we have already discussed, I have a serious issue with taking responsibility, even in my dreams. Even my dream self was making excuses. I apparently can’t help it. Anyway, moving on.

Dream Sean told Dream Liz to look at him and said, "You’re the one Liz. The only one. I could never be with anyone else."

And then Liz kissed him.

I woke up in a cold sweat.

The weirdest part is that I remember every single detail of the dream. Usually my dreams are gone before I even wake up. Michael, Izzy and I have discussed this before. None of us EVER remember our dreams. The only reason we even know that we do dream is because Iz has dreamwalked Michael and I.

We only remember them when something important happens in them - something that ends up applying directly to our lives.

So, there is only one answer. Someone is trying to tell me something.

At least I think that’s the answer.

I think you can understand that I am not the most self-assured person in the world at the moment.

I used to trust my judgment a little bit. I might not always take responsibility but I did used to make okay decisions. Like healing Liz was probably not the most responsible thing to do, but all in all it was positive. Trusting Liz is another example. Trusting Valenti too. Not killing Brody - I’m particularly proud of that one.

Which, again, brings us to Tess. My judgment has, clearly, been slightly impaired lately.

And then there’s the biggie. You’d think I would have realized BEFORE I let Tess blast off that sending my heir AND the thing Khivar most wanted in the world, the granolith, straight into his waiting hands was not the wisest decision in the world. Um. Yeah. Well, I admit it. I’m an idiot. I don’t think well under pressure. Did it or did it not take my almost three days to decide what to do about Brody? Anyway, it was dumb.

It’s only now too that I am beginning to doubt that my son was even dying in the first place. Tess flat out admitted that she was taking us back into Khivar’s clutches. She needed a way to get us back there. I was perfectly willing to take responsibility for she and the baby here.

She needed a plan to get me to agree to go and a dying baby was a great one, I have to admit.

But, then, I know she wasn’t lying. I connected with him. I know he was dying.

It’s why I had to let her go, even after all she had done. I really could have killed her that day. I had every intention of doing it, to avenge Alex, to show them all that I could take action. And she deserved it. I wouldn’t have even mourned her.

But he stopped me.

He’s my son.

I have failed every single person in my life and I am not going to fail him.

And now I have to make Liz understand. Because she is the other person I have no intention of EVER failing again.

Because I was being perfectly honest when I told her that she is the only right thing I have done in my life in the last two years. The only one I really care about anyway.

I need her. And if it can’t be as more than friends, well, then I’ll accept it.

I cannot let her go again. I tried that once and it was a disaster.

But, then, we all know that - don’t we?
**********************************************************************

Liz and I had agreed that we would meet on her balcony early tonight. I had wanted to talk to her right away after Tess left, but I could see that she was still sort of spaced out about the whole thing…having gone from finding out that I had slept with Tess, to knowing that Tess was pregnant, and then thinking that I was leaving her behind with a murderer on the loose, and then, suddenly, I wasn’t going anywhere at all and we knew what had happened to Alex.

My biggest regret from the whole incident was that it was Michael who decided to stay behind. I wish it could have been me. It is supremely ironic that it was Michael, of all of us the one who most wanted to go back to our planet, who figured out most quickly that we belong here.

And I, although I knew that I was going to miss him, I was happy that he wanted to do it. I knew it was for Maria, but I knew that he would take care of Liz too. I could feel a little more secure leaving her. I trusted Michael to look out for her.

Plus, I think, even then, I knew that something was seriously wrong with this whole thing. I was not a complete fool. It had dawned on me that we might be killed the minute we set foot on our planet, that we might not even be able to survive on our planet. If Michael staying meant that he would survive, well, I was glad. Thinking back now, I almost wish that I had convinced Izzy to stay too.

But I was selfish. I didn’t want to be alone. Even then, I realize now, I didn’t totally trust Tess.

I had to go and I was relieved that Isabel wanted to go with me. For him, because I knew that she cared about him too. And I knew that no matter how hurt she was, Liz would never let me stay for her if it meant my child was going to die.

But then I let him go anyway. I think I was so shocked by the news that Tess was a traitor, I wasn’t thinking straight. It is really my only defense. All I knew is that my child needed to go back, that I would die for certain if I went too, and that I was caught between a rock and a hard place.

And so I let them go, but knowing deep down that I would find him.

And I got a second chance with Liz. Or at least I hope I did. I’m still not quite sure.

By a second chance, I’m not talking about being a couple. I don’t know if we can ever go back to that, not after what I’ve done to her. Even though I do know that she still loves me.

How do I know?

I can’t really explain it. I just know she does.

It might be because for the first time in a LONG time - really since I caught her in bed with Kyle - I have opened myself up to her completely again.

I have shut off our connection for so long. It was too painful, because I was sure that someday, accidently I would get a flash of her and Kyle, together, doing what I had thought they did together.

I think some of you might suspect that I was REALLY tempted to kiss Liz when we were in Las Vegas. I so nearly did. But then I stopped myself.

I was scared. If I let her in like that again…I knew I would not be able to handle seeing that. It had almost killed me the first time - just seeing them lying there. If I had actually seen them doing stuff…

Okay, so I know now it was all a big lie. But I still don’t know WHY she lied to me about it.

And, again, I am sure of one thing. That it was NOT because she didn’t love me.

Finding out the hows and whys of that horrible night - at the top of my list.

Anyway, I am actually feeling pretty hopeful as I climb up the ladder to Liz’s balcony. I know that even if we don’ t work everything out tonight, at least by the end of it, it will all be out in the open.

And that’s when I see HIM.

I had called out to her. She didn’t answer, but I knew she was in there because I could just feel her presence.

I didn’t expect to find Sean Deluca there at all.

For one horrible moment I had a flash of the two of them together like in my dream which - very helpfully might I add - quickly changed to a flash of the two of them in Liz’s bed just like I had seen she and Kyle.

Have I mentioned that I am still haunted by that night? Well, I am. Yes, I know it never happened, but I still don’t know why and I won’t be able to forget it until I do. Even then I don’t know if I’ll forget it. It was, hands down, the worst night of my life.

You know why? You know how I said that while my track record for taking responsibility isn’t that great - well, back then my judgment was still pretty good. I had never made a mistake up until then. And if Liz did what I thought she did with Kyle then I totally misjudged her.

Even one minute of thinking that I misjudged Liz, of all people…it was awful.

And then there’s the part that just hurts.

I know I have no reason to be upset. I actually HAD sex with Tess. But it still hurts. I may not be human, but I do have a heart and I do have a memory.

You know, my life would probably be a lot easier if I didn’t have any emotions. It would be very handy to be a Borg. Michael always says he wants to be whatever kind of alien Han Solo was because "Maxwell, he may LOOK human, but he not from Earth so he’s an alien too." Michael sort of likes the idea that he may be like Han Solo.

Not me. He used to tell me that if he was Han, I was Luke, and I thought that was cool. But that’s not good enough now. An emotionless Borg…yeah, that sounds pretty good to me.

Anyway, moving on. Liz sees me and gets this really panicked expression on her face. I can see that she is trying to push Sean out her bedroom door but he is resisting.

"Oh. You have company." I say, knowing that I sound totally weird. "I can come back." I turn around to leave, upset despite myself.

I have no right to be upset.

"No! Max! Wait!" Liz calls breathlessly after me. "Sean is just leaving." She says firmly, pushing him roughly out her door.

I look after her, unsure what to do.

Liz is really weird around Sean. Totally not the Liz I know, or thought I knew. She becomes really silly and girly around him. She acts 17, because that’s what she is.

He lets her have fun.

I frantically search my memory for any time that Liz and I just had fun, where we got to be kids.

There was the time we went on the date to Senor Chow’s and played pool. But then Michael got sick and I dumped her the next day, so I guess that doesn’t count.

There was the time we were making out at Buckley Point. That was pretty fun… Oh but that’s when Topolsky showed up again. Okay, forget that.

Las Vegas? Hmmmm…no.

I frown to myself. I know that there were only six perfect weeks when Liz and I were truly happy. It was in the time between when we found the orb and when Tess first came. Everything seemed really normal then. It was heaven.

Liz deserves that. She’s always asked why our relationship can’t be more normal. I know that’s what she wants.

I wish I could give it to her. Sean Deluca might be a delinquent, but at least he’s normal.

He can give her normal.

Maybe I should just leave…

I seriously consider doing this. But I don’t want to. Despite it all, I am still hoping.

Because deep down I know that Liz would never exchange a single minute of our perfect six weeks, or even our hellish two years, for a lifetime of normal with Sean Deluca.

I just know it. I know HER.

I know that I should be the one to step aside, because I know that she will never leave me, even though she wants to.

And I know that she wants to. But she can’t.

I can’t either. I love her.

What the hell are we going to do?

Liz isn’t gone very long and she pokes her head out her window just as I’m settling down on one of the lawn chairs there.

"Hey. Sorry about that." She says, sounding guilty.

"Liz, you don’t need to apologize. You have a life apart from me. I know that." I say. It actually hurts to say it, because once upon a time she didn’t.

"He just showed up. I didn’t invite him here." She insists, upset.

"Okay." I say. "Sean has turned out to be a pretty nice guy…" I continued, telling her that its okay if she wants to be with him, that I don’t have any claim on her.

But of course its not okay. At all.

"I mean, he seems to have moved past all those petty crimes…" Why am a babbling like this? Shut up!

Liz cuts me off. "Max." She says is urgently. "Stop it."

I slam my mouth shut obediently.

"I don’t want to talk about Sean." She says. "He has nothing to do with us."

Us. Its like music to my ears. I try not to let my hopes perk up to much, but they do anyway.

"Okay." I repeat. "We can talk about whatever you want to talk about."

"I want to talk about your son and what you’re going to do about it." She says abruptly, like it has been weighing on her mind. Which I’m sure it has.

I know that it is so hard for her. It’s hard for me too. I am only eighteen years old. I am not ready to be a father - at all. Have we not already discussed my issues with responsibility?

Well, anyway, I am not going to fail at this. Its too important.

"I don’t know Liz." I say, being perfectly honest. "All I know is that I have to get him back."

She stares at me for a long minute, her dark eyes sad. "But Max, how? Really. How are you planning to do this?"

I shake my head, turn to stare off at the night sky. "I know it was really dumb to just let Tess go like that." I say finally. "I’m sorry that you never got to have justice for Alex."

Liz sighs. I turn back to look at her. She is sitting back in the her lawn chair, gazing off at the sky like I was. "I don’t think we could have anyway. What was Valenti going to do? If we turned her in, your secret would have been exposed." She smiled at me weakly. "Alex died because he was going to protect you all, turn her in. We can’t just turn around and expose you now."

"I’m sorry Liz." The naked pain on her face about Alex is what prompts me to say it, but I know that she knows that I mean it about everything.

"I know. I’m sorry too." She replies quietly.

"Why?" I demand. "You have nothing to be sorry about."

"Max." I know she is thinking about the Kyle thing.

"Oh." I say. "Well, but you didn’t really do anything." I insist.

"You thought I did."

"Yeah." I close my eyes briefly. "How could I have ever thought that?" I ask, not really directing it at her, but she answers anyway.

"You didn’t believe it at first." She’s defending me. Why is she so wonderful? How am I ever going to live with out her? Because I am getting the feeling from this conversation - not necessarily from the words, but from the undertones - that I was right. We are not getting back together - romantically at least.

"But I did believe it eventually, even though I knew you would never do that." And then I need to know why. "Why Liz? What happened? Were you really that desperate to get me to back off?"

"Yes." It’s like a slap to the face. I just stare at her, the pain from constantly being rejected by her last fall coming back full force. I thought I had moved past that, but apparently not. Liz obviously sees this because she adds hastily. "Max, there were very extenuating circumstances though. You don’t really understand."

"I wouldn’ t leave you alone." I tell her. "I understand. And you thought I had to be with Tess."

"I guess I was right." She says quietly. "Maybe this all happened because…"

"Because he was supposed to be born."

"Right." She says. I can hear the sadness in her voice.

"But it still doesn’t explain why you had to do that. How did you know that Tess and I needed to be together?" I pause, frowning. "The same way you knew about the granolith, right?"

"Yeah." She grimaces slightly. "I’m going to tell you Max, because keeping secrets is what brought us to this. It’s kind of hard to believe, so just bear with me."

And so she tells me. About the future version of me that came to tell her that we had "cemented", as Liz put it, on that night that I caught her in bed with Kyle (which of course never happened in that time-line), had gotten married at nineteen in Vegas and then the world had ended fourteen years later because Tess had left.

I stared at her in disbelief. "Liz…"

"Max its all true."

I shake my head. There is no way. "It must have been a mind-warp. There is no way that I would have ever put you in that position." I know myself that much, I hope at least. Even fourteen years from now, I know that I would never give Liz up. I know it.

She has moved her chair closer to me, is touching my hand lightly. "Max, it was you. I know it. I know YOU."

And I believe her.

I am furious. I jump to my feet, start pacing. "What a complete idiot! How could he, me, whoever the hell he was, have done this to you?"

"Max, Michael and Isabel had just died. Apparently future me made you do it."

Future Max. Future Liz. Future Michael and Future Isabel. All dead. It was insane.

I wanted so badly to blame it all on a mind warp. Blame this all on Tess too.

But I knew I couldn’t. Liz would not lie to me. She knew it had happened.

I turn to look at her. She is watching me anxiously, worried that I’m going to kill myself I think.

She knows me too well. Because what I have found out is that apparently I am an ass even fourteen years in the future.

"Liz, how could you have been so brave?" I ask finally. "I don’t understand." I sigh because really I do understand. "He chose you to come to because he knew I would never give you up, didn’t he? He knew that he couldn’t tell me because I wouldn’t care."

Liz smiles softly. "He knew. But he also knew that you couldn’t face each other directly - you’d both cease to exist. Serena told him that."

"Who’s Serena?"

Liz shrugs. "Apparently someone we became really good friends with. She turned the granolith into a time machine."

"Weird."

"Yeah."

"Did we…" I pause. I probably don’t really want to know, but I have to ask, under the present circumstances. "Did we have kids?"

Liz flinches visibly and I could kick myself. "I don’t think so." She says finally. "I think it must have been too dangerous."

And then I realize something. "The point of all this was to keep Tess around. We all died because she was gone. And now she’s gone again."

"Yeah." Liz says. "I thought of that. But I think maybe the most important thing was…" She swallows. "Was your son. He’s happened. It might be all right." She pauses again. "Which is why I am going to help you find him."

Part 3 - Do What You Have To Do - Liz POV

What ravages of spirit
Conjured this tempestuous rage?
Created you a monster
Broken by the rule of love.
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do.
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do.
But I had the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how to let you go.

Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul.
However swiftly moving
I’m trying to escape this desire,
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do.
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do.
And I had the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how to let you go,
That I don’t know how to let you go.

A glowing ember burning hot, burning slow.
Deep within I’m shaken
By the violence of existing
For only you.
I know I can’t be with you,
I do what I have to do.
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do.
And I had the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how to let you go,
Don’t know how to let you go,
Don’t know how to let you go.

I don’t know how to let you go.

Sarah McLachlan

Max is staring at me in disbelief. I don’t really blame him. I can’t for the life of me figure out how those words just came out of my mouth either.

"I am going to help you find him."

It is the supreme irony. I am going to help him find the child that I will never be able to accept.

I really have no choice. I don’t know how to do anything else.

Because, the cold, hard truth is, I can’t let him go. I can’t lose him again. I don’t WANT to let him go.

I try not to think of the tiny part of me that is imagining the world where we never find the baby, where Max has to give up, where we are together and there is no resentment because I did my best to help him and he knows it and loves me even more because of it.

And it is that tiny part of me that knows that I have to tell him the truth. Because, if I don’t, and if we don’t find his son, I am never going to be able to live with the guilt.

"Liz, I can’t ask you to do that." Max is saying, and I know he really means it. "It’s just too much. You’ve done enough."

"Max, you don’t get it." I say, before he can build me up into some big heroine. I can’t let him do that. It was one of the reasons we had so much trouble the first time. He puts me on this pedestal. I’m not that special. What I am is someone who just wants the hurt to stop. I want to stop loving him - I really do. And I really tried after the last break I made, at the prom. I tried with Sean. I really did.

It just doesn’t work. It’s Max and I can’t get what I have shared with him out of my head, out of my heart.

How can any regular boy compare to someone with a soul as beautiful as Max Evans’s? Because no matter the mistakes he has made - and he has made a lot - he is still that Max. She can’t have changed him that much.

The truth is though, I don’t know if he has changed. I don’t really know him at all anymore. But I think I owe it to myself to see if he is still MY Max. I owe it to HIM too. Maria told me so, and I am beginning to see what she meant.

He was never supposed to turn into the monster he became after Alex died. Something was just wrong there. He was supposed to be my husband, my soul mate, my true love. It was what was fated from the moment he saved my life in the Crashdown that day.

And we screwed with it - Future Max and I did that is. We had our reasons, but in the process we destroyed the wonderful person that Max Evans was, that he was meant to be. He has to have another chance to get it right.

Unfortunately this means finding his son. Which means that I have to give him an ultimatum. And its an awful one. But I know its the only way I will be able to do this because if there is one truth I know it is that I will never be able to accept the child.

How can I even tell him this? I feel like some evil stepmother, one who wants to send his kid off into the woods to get eaten by a witch. But I can’t help the way I feel. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow, next week, next year, but I do have to tell Max how I feel NOW.

"You have to understand Max." I tell him. He is looking at me, a slightly befuddled expression on his face, like all of his dreams are coming true, but like he also has this feeling that a nightmare is about to begin. "I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get over what happened between you and Tess." His eyes are fully accepting. He knows this already. But I don’t think he understands the true meaning. "I’m going to help you find your son, but we can’t be together again. Not like before."

He closes his eyes briefly. I can see that he is upset, but that he is not surprised. "I know." He finally says. "I do want you to know Liz, that it was a mistake. It was the night you left for Sweden you know. Things were so bad between us and she…she was just there. The morning after it happened…"

I put up my hand. "Please stop. I really can’t know Max." He does stop immediately, but I can tell he’s frustrated - that he really needs to get some of this off of his chest. But I can’t listen to it. Not now, maybe not ever. I don’t want to know what a big mistake it was because, somehow, that makes it worse.

Of course that was the excuse I used when he demanded an explanation about Kyle. "It was a mistake Max." No wonder he was so confused. The fact that nothing was going on between Kyle and I after must have made it hurt even more. He must have felt like he didn’t know me at all.

Sort of how I feel right about now. About Max. But also about me.

"Okay." Max looks sad for a moment, than he says, "Why are you doing this Liz? I don’t get it."

"I have to see it through to the end." I say and its the complete truth. I will not be able to let Max go until I know he is truly lost to me, that what Future Max and I did, changing everything so that this baby could be born, was the right thing to do. I will never be able to move on with someone else until I know for sure that he and I aren’t meant to be.

The thing is, I still don’t know it. Because, now, with Tess gone, it seems like maybe we have a second chance. But she’s still there, lurking in the shadows, her baby the winning trump card, the card that tells me that she will always have a piece of him that I can’t have.

I’m not just talking about his first time either. I’m talking about a piece of his soul - a part of Max Evans that I never knew and never understood. Because the Max I thought I knew would never have been capable of what he has done since I destroyed him by letting him catch me in bed with Kyle. Was that part of him always there? Or was it only born after I broke his heart?

I have to understand him. I have to know if I really knew him. I have to know if someone can really change that much.

"Do you even know where to start?" I ask him now. He is standing at the edge of my balcony, staring off into the sky, an unreadable expression on his face. "I mean, the granolith is gone. Its not like we can just hitchhike to the next galaxy to start looking for him." I pause. "Do you think there was a back-up? There were two sets of you all. Maybe there were two granoliths?"

"Maybe." Max says, sounding distracted. "But I don’t think so." He sighed. "Actually, technically, we don’t even know if the thing Tess took off in WAS the granolith. It doesn’t fit with what we were told about it in New York." By we, I know he means him and Tess. I sigh heavily.

"We don’t even know how much of what Tess told you was true." I add. "She apparently wasn’t the most reliable source."

Max laughs bitterly. "That’s an understatement." He turns to look at me. "She was working against us from the beginning you know. Nasedo made a deal with Khivar before we were ever even born." I can see the hurt on his face. I think Max has realized something - that, ironically, the people he most should have been able to trust completely betrayed him, while the people he was never supposed to be able to have faith in - me, Maria, Alex, Valenti - the ones HE betrayed - were the only ones he should have trusted.

"What was the deal?" I ask quietly, although I can guess.

"Tess was supposed to get pregnant and then bring me, Michael and Izzy back with her and Nasedo. We would all die and Khivar would have my heir so that our people would let him rule in my son’s name. Tess and Nasedo would be spared of course." He shakes his head. "And I fell for it. She almost murdered my best friend and my sister. She DID murder your best friend." Max collapses into the other chair. "I just don’t understand how I could have been so fooled. I mean, I KNEW her. I didn’t trust her when she first came. Why did I let her in?"

I want to comfort him, but I don’ t know how anymore. He’s right. He wasn’t the only one who ended up trusting her. I never LIKED her, but I did trust her, did believe that she only had Max’s best interests at heart, that she was only trying to reclaim the place that was rightfully hers.

"It was a mistake." I reply. "But you have to make sure that you don’t make any more like it. We can’t let Alex’s sacrifice be for nothing. We have to make sure that she doesn’t keep your son."

Max flinches at the mention of Alex. "I think he might be the place to start actually." He tells me finally. "I had a dream about him last night. He told me that he knew much more than we ever imagined."

At the mention of Alex, I feel tears fill my eyes. I shake my head. "I don’t get it. We know what Alex was doing. He was translating that book for Tess. It was a dream Max. I’ve had dreams about him too since he’s…since he’s been gone. It doesn’t mean anything."

Max frowns slightly. "It was so real." I can see a flash of something else cross his face, like he’s not telling me everything, but he quickly shakes it off, continues. "But we don’t know everything he did during those months Liz. He was gone a long time." He pauses. "Like that…that girl." I can hear the guilt in his voice. "The one I almost killed. What about her?"

"Leanna?" I look at him, realization dawning. "You think she was more than just a decoy? That she might know something?"

"Isn’t it possible?"

I stand up, nodding. "It makes sense. So that’s where we start."

Max stands up too, moving towards the ladder. "We’ll go back to Las Cruces tomorrow." He says resolutely.

"What about the others?" I ask as Max moves to swing himself over the ledge and onto the ladder.

Max sighs. "Isabel has had enough to deal with lately. Michael - I’ll tell him eventually, but he’s wrapped up in Maria right now…" He trails off, looks at me sadly. Thinking about how close Michael and Maria are…it only drives home the point that it is unlikely that we will ever be that way again. "If you’re willing to help me, well, maybe we can keep them out of it for a while."

I nod. "Okay."

Max makes a move to leave, then pauses again. "Liz, I really appreciate this. I know it’s totally above and beyond the call of duty…after everything."

"We can’t change the past Max." I tell him, feeling a pang that, ironically, if there’s one thing I know thanks to Future Max, this isn’t true. But for us, in this time, now, it is. "We just have to do what we have to do and see where we end up."

"I wish that we weren’t here." Max tells me. "I wish we could go back…"

They were the exact words he had said to me when we were in that van, the FBI chasing us…the first time he told me he loved me. Then he had wanted to go back to a time before everything had gone crazy, before Tess. I had a feeling that now we would both give everything just to go back to that moment, when we still had each other, still KNEW each other.

I can’t help myself. I reach out and touch his face - the face I have loved for so long. "I know. But we can’t. All we can do is go forward."

His eyes are shining. I can’t tell if its with unshed tears or if its just the candles on my deck. "Bye Liz." His voice cracks slightly. "I’ll see you tomorrow."

"Bye Max."
*****************************************************

I have the early shift at the Crashdown.

Maria is on with me and she is clearly on Cloud 9. Michael is working too and I catch them making out in the break room. I can’t help but smile wryly. It is just so weird. It’s like Michael, Maria, Max and I have switched places. Just over a year ago, it would have been Max and I kissing all the time, Michael and Maria on the rocks, unsure of where they stood with each other.

I am serving a couple of tourists when Maria comes whirling out of the back, smoothing her hair down, her cheeks flushed. "Are you planning to do any work today?" I ask teasingly as she plops herself down on a stool and stares off dreamily into space.

Maria looks at me, smiles secretly to herself. "Liz, I have to tell you something."

I glance around the restaurant. All the customers seem happy for the moment so I drop down beside her. "Okay. What’s up?"

"Just wanted to let you know that Czechs don’t bite your head off. You know - for future reference." She grins at me, blushing slightly.

It takes me a moment to understand what she’s saying. "Maria! Did you and Michael…" Her hand jets out, slaps over my mouth.

"I got flashes Liz. I saw him as a little boy and I really saw HIM." She pauses. "He really loves me."

I feel a pang of grief so intense it almost knocks me off my stool. The unfairness of it all continues to amaze me.

I, of course, love Maria. I am thrilled that Michael has finally gotten his act together. I’ve never understood what his problem was anyway. He and Isabel never pursued THEIR supposed destiny. I never understood what was so different about Max and Tess. While Michael broke Maria’s heart time after time and Isabel dated her weekly older sleaze (the thought of Grant still gives me the willies), Max and I were caught in this limbo, madly in love but unable to be together. And Max didn’t even know why. I did, but it still wasn’t fair.

How could something as wonderful as we had shared have resulted in the end of the world? In that moment I hated Tess Harding more than I ever had. It was all her fault. If she hadn’t been so selfish…

But then, in that previous life, Max and I had been the selfish ones too, hadn’t we? We had had our fourteen wonderful years and then our entire world was destroyed.

And it is in that moment that I forgive Future Max. He didn’t know that Tess was evil. He only knew that without her the Royal Three were too weak to repel Khivar and his minions. How was he supposed to know that it wasn’t Tess at all that was needed - that it was her child?

I realize that Maria is still waiting for my response. "That’s so wonderful Maria." I reach out and hug her so that she can’t see my face. "I’m really happy for you."

She pulls back, stares at me knowingly. "What’s wrong Liz?" She pauses. "You saw Max last night, didn’t you?"

"Yeah. But its okay. We’re going to be friends for now." Maria’s face falls. "I can’t be anything more right now Maria. Not after all that’s happened."

"It’s because of HER isn’t it? Because of what he did with her." Maria sounds furious. If there’s anyone who hates Tess its Maria. She’s disliked her all along, but now…after what she did to Alex - Maria would blame the end of the world on her. Not that she would be far off, but still…Tess wasn’t the only one to blame.

"It’s not just her fault Maria. Max did it too. And we- me and him - drove our relationship to the point where he WOULD do that."

Maria tossed her head. "Whatever. She’s the one who wouldn’t leave him alone. She was so fake Liz. I was sure she and Kyle were…"

"Poor Kyle." I say, trying to change the subject. "And the poor Sheriff. They really loved her. They must be devastated."

"Kyle will be okay." Maria says confidently. "He knows that she didn’t deserve his love OR trust. She used him."

"Yeah, but the Sheriff considered her to be like his daughter." I tell her.

"I know. But he loved Alex too, won’t forgive her for that." Maria replied. "He’ll get over it."

The doorbell over the entrance rings. Maria’s face becomes cold. "Oh great. Just who we need."

I turn. Sean is coming in, heading straight for me. He sees the daggers Maria is shooting him though and veers to the right, plopping himself down in a booth and picking up a menu. I know he wants to talk to me though. "Uh oh. He’s going to want an explanation."

"For what?" Maria demands. "Like he deserves one - for anything."

"Well, he was over when Max came last night…." I pause. Maria doesn’t know that I threw myself at her cousin the night I thought Max was leaving. "And -er - well, something sort of happened between us on the night we thought the Czechs were leaving."

Maria’s eyes widen in outrage. "He took ADVANTAGE of you?" She stands up, looks ready to go over there and kill him.

"NO! I mean…not really, Maria. He was just there for me." She seems to calm down a little bit, but still looks peeved.

See the thing is, Maria is really on Max’s side. She always has been. At least since the summer. I have no idea what voodoo hex he put on her while I was in Florida, but whatever it was, she will always want Max and I together.

But then Max is good at inspiring loyalty. It’s probably why he will make a great leader someday. Or would have if Future Max and I hadn’t screwed with him. He may still. It’s another reason I have to be there for him. He deserves that second chance to become the man he was supposed to be.

He worries me sometimes though. He is so dependent on others. The people he loves have so much control over him. What I did with Kyle…it almost destroyed him.

Deep down, I know its the reason I can’t desert him now. Because I feel like all the changes that I’ve seen in him are my fault.

What did I ever do to make him love me so much? I’m just a normal girl for God’s sake. The burden is really hard to carry sometimes.

"I’ll just go over and get it over with." I tell Maria now. "Can you watch my tables for a few minutes?"

She nods, still looking irritated. "Fine. But if you need me, just call. I’ll get Michael to throw him out."

I roll my eyes. "He isn’t Caligula Maria."

She scowls. "He ain’t Prince Charming either." She whirls away again in typical Maria fashion, goes to take an order. But I can see that her eyes are following me as I make my way to join Sean.

I smooth down my apron, sit across from him. "Hi."

"Hi." He is looking at me in that Sean way - like he is trying to understand me, but is finding it almost impossible.

I remember the way Max and I used to be in perfect sync - in the time before Tess - even before we were officially together. We just GOT each other. It’s why I know that Sean is never going to replace Max. Even if Max and I are never together again, I won’t settle for anyone less than someone who GETS me.

I once told Max that I kept my journal so that if I ever met someone else who touched me in the way he did, I would remember what it was supposed to feel like. I realize now that I wasn’t just talking about physically.

Max touched my soul. I want that again. I don’t know if its going to be with Max, but if not, I want it with someone else. And it’s just NOT Sean Deluca.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him, that I want to hurt him.

"I’m sorry about yesterday." I say now.

"You don’t have to be sorry Parker." Sean tells me. "I’m just worried about you. I thought you had finally given up on that chump."

"Well, you don’t understand about me and Max…" I begin. I know that I’m making excuses, but what else can I do? There is no excuse that Sean will ever understand. He doesn’t get Max and I. Lots of people don’t. Our closest friends don’t really get it. They don’t get that the bond that was created when he saved my life, when I saw into his soul…you can’t just erase that. This is why its so hard to let him go.

"I understand that he makes you miserable." Sean says firmly. "Listen Parker, I know that I don’t deserve you either, but he definitely doesn’t. I have never once seen you smile in his company since I’ve been back."

"I don’t know what to say to you Sean." I say. "I can’t explain it to you. What Max and I have…"

"Yeah I know. Friends plus." Sean interrupts, sounding annoyed. "Don’t you think you deserve more than that?"

"It’s not "friends plus" anymore." I tell him. "We’re just friends. We’re always going to be friends." I swallow. "And anyone who wants to date me is just going to have to accept it."

Sean’s eyes darken. "And what if they can’t?" He demands. Because he knows what I’m telling him. I’m willing - maybe - to date Sean. But I am not willing to give up Max for him.

"They just will." I reply firmly.

Sean snorts, looks over my shoulder. "I don’t think you’re ever going to get any dates then Parker." He nods in the direction of the door. "Even if someone you date accepts HIM, that guy is NEVER going to accept anyone else in your life."

I turn around, know already that Max has come in. He’s with Isabel but he’s staring at me and Sean. When my eye catches his, he smiles. I can tell that he is trying to pretend that he’s okay with the fact that I’m sitting with Sean, but I can tell he’s not. It makes my heart skip a beat. Because it’s the old Max smile. The one that he used to use when I was still dating Kyle and we were technically "just friends," but we so weren’t. The semi-shy one…the one that says he can’t quite believe that he can smile at me and that I might smile back.

And I do. I can’t help myself.

Max’s face lights up in a way I haven’t seen in weeks, months. It’s in a way I haven’t seen since before the whole thing with Kyle actually.

It’s in that instant that I know it. I am in real trouble. There is no way on this Earth that I am ever going to be just friends with Max Evans. Not when a simple smile from him can make me so breathless I feel like passing out.

This is going to be hell.

Part 4 - Max POV - Witness

Make me a witness
Take me up out of the darkness
Out of doubt
I won’t weigh you down
With good intentions
Won’t make fire out of clay
Or other inventions.

Will we burn in heaven,
Like we do down here?
Will a change come while we’re waiting
Everyone is waiting.

And when we’re done
Soul-searching
And we carry the weight
And die for a cause
Is misery made beautiful
Right before our eyes?
Mercy be revealed
Or blind us where we stand.

Will we burn in heaven
Like we do down here?
Will change come while we’re waiting
Everyone is waiting…

Sarah McLachlan

I try my hardest not to stare at Liz and Sean. I have the menu up in front of my face, but I am not reading it. I could recite the thing from memory I have used it so often to hide behind over the years. Isabel is in the middle of telling me about some college she wants to apply to, but I am barely listening to her.

It really sucks how much it hurts to see Liz with Sean, even though she did smile at me when I came in. Since my dream, every time I do, that part where Sean was kissing her and reciting words I once said to Liz comes racing back into my mind. There is something paralyzing about it. Something I don’t understand.

And it makes me ill, needless to say. I know I have no right to feel jealous and angry when Liz is with another guy. But right and wrong have nothing to do with it. Its just the way I feel.

Even now that I know the truth about Kyle and Liz, a tiny knot still exists in my stomach that clenches with fury and hurt whenever I think about it. It has haunted me for so long. And while I am not angry with Liz about it anymore, in some way, I am.

It was that one night that turned me into someone I didn’t even recognize. I know that Liz had no idea how badly things would go down after what she did, she didn’t know Tess was a murderous traitor, but its still there, this irrational fury. It burns deeply, not strong enough to mean anything, but its still there.

It doesn’t matter though. The love and respect and admiration I have for her is far more strong and will stay so.

Love and hate. The line between them runs very thin - especially with me and Liz. Loving someone as intensely as I love her means that hating her is so much easier too. The power she has over me is kind of scary.

Do you want to know a really, really bad thing? You’re not going to like it, but I have to tell you anyway.

Sometimes being with Tess, even though I never loved her, was just easier. Because I didn’t care so much.

I know its sick, but there it is.

"Max!" I lower my menu to look at my sister, who is scowling at me. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes." I say, lying of course.

"Well, what do you think?" Isabel gives me THE look - the sister look. The one that says she knows I am lying and wants to make me feel like an even bigger moron before I have to admit it.

"Ummmm…"

She sighs heavily. "Never mind." Her expression is suddenly sympathetic and she turns around in her seat to look at Sean and Liz, who are still in deep conversation. Liz does not look pleased. "She doesn’t care about him Max."

"It doesn’t matter Iz. Liz and I are just friends." I say, glancing at the menu again.

Maria has come up at this point. She has her order pad in her hand and exchanges a look with Isabel, not even saying hi. She just launches into typical Maria opinionated statement mode right away. "Ha. Right. Friends. Friends don’t hold on to each other like the two of you did two days ago. I’m telling you Max. It was romance novel worthy."

Isabel snorts. "I wish that you and Liz would just get over yourselves and get back together. You know you both want to. This is boring." She waves her hand in the air dismissively and turns to Maria to order.

See Iz, that’s where you’re wrong. Liz doesn’ t want to get back together with me. But Isabel has no idea of all the stuff that lies between us. Sure, she knows about me and Tess, but she has no idea about the Kyle stuff. She never knew and she never will. She can’t know that it was her death - hers and Michael’s - that resulted in my future self coming back to fix things.

Oh, he fixed us good all right.

But Isabel can’t know. She will never forgive herself. Our relationship has been rocky over the last year, to say the least. If she knew that she was responsible for hurting me in any way, even so indirectly, she would be devastated. Under normal circumstances this would not be true - she would understand that it wasn’t her fault.

But since the whole Vilandra thing….

My sister is fragile, scared at every moment that she is going to betray me. Our huge fight over the whole college thing was part of that I think. She wanted to go so badly and was hurt that I wouldn’t let her. But I think, deep down, she was only fighting against the part of her that was scared of hurting me. She wanted to leave because of it.

She thought that by getting away from me, she could protect me.

Isabel blames herself for a lot of stuff. I know she is still dealing with Alex’s death and for some reason she also blames herself for Grant Sorenson’s untimely demise, although she had nothing to do with it really.

I know my sister and I know how her mind works. Getting away from me after Alex died, she could protect me. And yet, since we learned about my son, all that has changed.

Because, suddenly, since Tess left, all the colleges Isabel talks about attending are in New Mexico.

"What’ll it be your highness?" Maria asks when I continue to stare at my menu in a stupor.

"Nothing." I say, noticing that Liz is standing and moving away from Sean. His eyes are following her as she comes towards me. "Liz looks like she’s done. We’re going for a drive."

Then it happens.

Sean’s gaze falls on me and for one split second we are staring right at each other.

And a shiver runs down my spine - one unlike anything I have ever felt before.

I break the eye contact first, clench my fists under the table.

That guy totally hates my guts.

"What?" Isabel is saying in annoyance. "MAX! You always do this to me! You invite me here to eat and then you desert me. I hate eating alone and I am so not walking home."

But Maria is smiling at me, pleased, because she thinks that this means that Liz and I are getting back together, despite what I just said a few minutes ago. "Michael and I’ll drive you Isabel. Our shift is over in half an hour," she says, just as Liz arrives.

"I’m just going up to change Max. I’ll be down in five minutes." She says, her expression blank. She doesn’t meet my eyes. I frown slightly.

"Okay."

Liz is true to her word. We are on the road barely ten minutes later. She has changed into jeans and a red tank top that reminds me of the one she was wearing on the night of our first kiss, making my heart thump just thinking about that event. Her hair is loose and blowing in the breeze as I head out of town towards Las Cruces.

It still astounds me how beautiful she is. I’ve hung out with Liz long enough now that I sometimes forget because I know she is even more beautiful inside, but seeing her like this reminds me of the days when I didn’t know so much about her, before I healed her, when the closest I could get to her was exchanging pleasantries and passing lab equipment to her in Bio and staring at her in the Crashdown.

I can tell that she has something on her mind, so I don’t really talk to her. I concentrate on the road, trying to forget that the last time we took this road was the night I had to tell her about Tess. It was also the night I almost killed an innocent girl.

I wonder if that’s what Liz is thinking about.

But apparently not, as what she says next makes clear.

"Max, I just want you to know that there is NOTHING going on between me and Sean." Liz blurts out so abruptly, I take my eyes off the road by whipping my head around to stare at her.

"Liz, you have a right to date other people." I say the words automatically, because I know that I am supposed to. They sound ridiculous even to me. I hope she doesn’t catch the little note of pleasure that has crept into my voice. I am such a jerk.

Liz sighs. "I know Max. And I will, but not him."

Well so much for that moment of happiness. "Okay." I say. "Why are you telling me this?" I ask a moment later.

"Max, I saw the look on your face when you came in and saw me talking to him." Liz replied, sounding annoyed that she HAD seen that look. "We’re friends. I don’t want to hurt your feelings. So just know that, while I fully intend to date other people eventually, for the moment I am all yours."

I almost swerve off the highway.

"Er - to investigate." She adds quickly. I can feel the warmth traveling up my neck at having almost killed us both.

You see what I mean about Liz affecting me on every level all the time. It’s embarrassing.

"Right." I say, decide that changing the subject is a good idea. "So how are we going to go about this?" I ask, knowing that even when things are tense with Liz, when we have to work together on a problem, it always changes things - we are able to connect easily.

"Well, I was thinking about Leanna." Liz replies. "Or Jennifer Coleman I should say. That’s her real name." She adds when I look at her questioningly. "We never did just TALK to her. I brought along a picture of Alex - to see if she recognizes him."

"To see if she was working with Tess or if she was just some random girl that Tess used?"

"Yeah." Liz is quiet for a moment and then asks, "I wonder how Alex learned Swedish anyway? It was all a pretty elaborate ruse Tess had going on there."

"It does seem unlikely that she was working alone." I agree. "Maybe Jennifer can tell us something about that too. If she wasn’t working with Tess, then maybe she can at least give us an idea of who might have been."

"Maybe."

We are both quiet again until I pull into the university about half an hour later, each lost in our thoughts about what we might uncover - what we’ll do if we don’t uncover anything.

As we reach Jennifer Coleman’s dorm-room, I flash back to the night I almost committed cold blooded murder in this exact building. I remember Liz’s words to me that night. "This isn’t you Max. It isn’t planned out."

But the scary thing is, it WAS me. Sure I was in Borg mode that night, but I don’t think Liz has any idea about the lengths I would go to protect those I love. There was no way I was leaving Earth that night with the thought that the murderer was still out there, threatening Liz and Maria and Kyle and even Valenti.

At least that’s what I was thinking when we were in Jennifer Coleman’s dorm. Once I knew that she wasn’t the killer, I was more than willing to leave Liz and the others with no idea who their enemy was. How she can forgive me for that, I’ll never know…I don’t even know if she has.

A little ironic though that, in the end, I was taking their enemy with me. So, in a way, leaving with Tess was protecting the others - the humans anyway.

I wonder if any of this would have happened if I had gotten together with Tess when I first knew about our destiny. Would she still have felt compelled to kill Alex, to continue Nasedo’s plan? Or could I have gotten through to her in those first important days of contact? Could she have tapped into her human side if I had been what she had expected me to be - her mate, her husband, her king?

Was Tess’s betrayal my fault?

"Max?" Liz is looking at me strangely, has her hand up to knock. "Are you okay? You look a little weird."

I blink, shake my head. Now isn’t the time to second guess myself. But I can’t help it. So many decisions I have made were wrong. So wrong. What if bringing Liz in to help me find my son is wrong too?

What if I’m putting her in more danger?

"Maybe you should wait in the car." I say suddenly. She just stares at me. "She might recognize you from that…that night."

"Who cares?" Liz asks logically. "She never knew what that was about. I was just some random weirdo to her."

She’s right of course. But how can I tell her that I beginning to think this is all a bad idea - that I am suddenly scared that we are going about this all wrong, that somehow I am going to hurt her again without even wanting to?

It is too late. Liz has turned away and is knocking on the door. A curly-haired blonde answers a few seconds later. She eyes Liz suspiciously. "Its you. Jennifer says she never told anyone they could borrow her notes so don’t even think about coming in here."

Liz glances at me, looks a little embarrassed. "I came to apologize about that." She improvises quickly. She whips a sheet of paper out of her purse quickly. "And to return them." She says triumphantly.

The blonde girl rolls her eyes. "Jenn! One of those girls from the other day is here!" She calls, heading away from the door and into the kitchenette.

And suddenly she is there. She looks exactly like the picture of her that Liz has in her purse - the one with Alex.

I have to admit I didn’t get much of a look at her the last time I’d seen her. It would have been too hard to do what I had intended to do if I had looked at her, seen her face. Even in Borg mode.

Don’t get me wrong. I would have done it, but it would have been harder. That cold side of me would have taken over though - the alien side - and I would have done it.

Jennifer is looking at Liz like she might recognize her but is unsure. "Yeah?" She asks, clearly not placing her.

"Hi." Liz replies in her friendly way. "I’m Liz. And this is Max. We need to talk to you about someone we think you might have known." Liz is pulling the picture of Leanna and Alex out of her bag and I move forward from where I am leaning against the wall beside the door, a little out of Jennifer’s eye-shot. I want to get a good look at her face when she sees herself in that picture.

She doesn’t look at the photo right away though. Her eyes shift to me and the colour totally drains from her face.

"It’s you." She whispers. "Zan."

And, I kid you not, she faints.

Part 5 - Liz POV - Trust

Somewhere deep inside me
I hold a picture of a time long gone
A time of ease and simple pleasures
And days in shadows not so long
Now with my mind I’m struggling
Holding on to what I believe
Listen to the fragments of my thoughts
That leave me broken and deceived
Cause I don’t know the way
He said "I can take you there,
I can show you places where time has no ware"
And as we walked the plains
The skies they opened wide
Revealing all the shame for what’s been lost inside us all.

It’s a day in the life
In my mind I’ve seen it all
Sometime soon for all to see
The walls are slowly breaking down
In my mind I’ve seen it all
And someday we’ll be free.

We’re searching for a message
Or so I thought but so it seems
The ignorance in the myths of others
Is easier to redeem
I’ve never questioned the answers given
To find the faith that’s been lost within
Cause where I lay my trust in others
Where it lies the ground is thin
Cause I don’ t know the way
He said "I can take you there,
I can show you places where time has no ware"
And as we walked the plains
The skies they opened wide
Revealing all the shame for what’s been lost inside us all.

I know you say you love me
If what you say is true
So show me something that’s not deceiving
Cause I wouldn’t lie to you.

It’s a day in the life
In my mind I’ve seen it all
Sometime soon for all to see
The walls are slowly breaking down
In my mind I’ve seen it all
And someday we’ll be free.

Sarah McLachlan

"Max! Catch her!" I shriek, but he is already moving, grabbing Jennifer Coleman before she melts to the floor.

Jennifer’s suite-mate comes running out of her room. "What did you do to her?" She demands, watching Max sweep the girl we know as Leanna up into his arms. She follows him as he moves into the room, depositing Jennifer gently on the couch. She is already coming around, her eyelashes beginning to flutter.

Max looks back at me, his expression terrified. I don’t blame him. Who the heck is this girl and how did she know Max’s real name? But we can’t say any of this in front of the suite-mate, who looks about ready to pick up the phone to call campus security.

"It’s all a terrible mistake. We gave her some bad news and she just collapsed." I know I am babbling, but we need to talk to Leanna alone and we need to get rid of the other girl. "I’m Liz, this is Max." I do the introductions quickly, hoping to put the other girl at ease. "We know Jennifer from back home."

The suite-mate does not look convinced. "From Phoenix?" She asks suspiciously.

"Right. From Phoenix." Max says, glancing at me and shrugging slightly. He is perched on a chair beside Jennifer, whose eyes are beginning to open.

"We’re friends of Ray." I improvise. The girl seems to recognize the name that Alex went by when he was staying here.

"Where is Ray?" The girl asks. "We haven’t seen him in months. He and Jenn spent all this time together last Fall and then he just disappeared."

"We have bad news." I swallow hard. It is hard to say it even though its true. I am never going to adjust to saying it. Alex! "Ray passed away. Its why we’re here. To tell Jennifer."

Max is eyeing me with concern. I think he can tell that talking about Alex’s death, even in the guise of an excuse is putting me on edge.

The suite-mate’s eyes widen in horror. "Oh that’s so sad. I mean, he was kind of a weird guy, real quiet and stuff, but I am so sorry." She pauses, glances at Jennifer. "Is that why Jenn fainted?" She asks.

I can’t speak, emotion still clogging my throat.

"Yes." Max replies simply. "We’re sorry. We really need a few minutes alone with her. Can you excuse us…" He trails off, clearly hoping that she will give us her name.

"Melissa." She inserts. "Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? She must be pretty upset if she fainted."

"It’s okay. We’ve known Jenn for a while." Max tells her. "But thanks."

I can tell that Melissa is beginning to warm up to him. His eyes - they are reflecting the gentleness that I always used to see in them, before it all happened. He is giving off that Max aura, the one that says that he can be trusted. It is wrapping itself around ME like a warm blanket, even though I know that he is capable of being a monster too.

But Melissa doesn’t know this and she looks like she is falling under a spell.

It is making me supremely uncomfortable because I am beginning to realize how very easy it might be for me to fall under his spell again too. He put a force on me once. I know that it is only a matter of time until he does it again.

I am fighting it with every ounce of my being. I cannot let him in that way again. It almost killed me once and that was when I was still the most important person in his life.

Now I’m not. That spot has been taken by a baby that has not even been born yet.

I can’t give in.

I knew helping him was going to be a mistake because with every passing minute I spend with him, I want to give in.

I force my eyes away from his face.

I move back against the wall of the living room, need its hard reassurance to keep my back-bone in place. Max is looking at me again. He frowns slightly at the expression on my face, which is likely a cross between a scowl and a grimace.

"Well, okay." Melissa finally says. "I’ll be in my room. Call me if you need me." She backs into her room, shutting the door behind her.

"Liz, are you okay?" Max demands urgently. He is glancing between me and Jennifer, who is now beginning to sit up. She still seems slightly out of it. "You look…"

"I’m okay." I snap. He blinks at my harsh tone, but nods. I move closer, kneel on the floor beside him. We both turn to look at Leanna.

Her face seems to finally clear and she focuses on Max’s face immediately, gasps again, moving back against the couch in shock. "I thought I was dreaming. How can it really be you? How can you be real?" She starts muttering to herself. "Am I going crazy?"

"Max, you’d better leave for a minute." I say. I can tell that we are not going to get any sense out of this girl while he is in the room. She doesn’t seem to be scared of him, but I think she thinks she is crazy for some reason.

"Liz, I’m not leaving you alone." Max insists. I sigh. I can tell by that tone that I am not going to win this argument easily and I don’t want to get into a huge discussion about it in front of Jennifer.

She is still staring at him, her head slightly tilted. "You are real, aren’t you? Your name is Max?"

Max nods. "Why did you call me Zan?" He asks gently.

"Because he looks like you." She replies. "At least the pictures I’ve seen of him."

I barely suppress a gasp. She can’t be talking about the REAL Zan - Max’s dupe, who is supposed to be dead? Max looks just as shocked as I do.

"Pictures?" I press her.

"The drawings Ray showed me." Jennifer elaborates. "For the game."

Max and I exchange a confused glance. "The game?"

"The computer game Ray was writing." She continues. "But he told me it wasn’t real."

Um. Okay. This is getting a little too weird. We’ll get back to that in a moment. First things first…

I pull a picture of Alex and her out of my purse, show it to her. It obviously isn’t the one in which he had torn out his own face, but another one I found in his room after the funeral. "Is this Ray?" I ask quietly.

She nods, taking the picture from my hands, stares at it in confusion. "Where did you get this?" She is frowning. "I don’t remember having it taken."

"Ray gave it to me." I pause. "Did you hear what I said to Melissa? You heard that Ray is gone?"

Tears fill her eyes. "I’m not surprised. He told me when he left that he didn’t think that he would see me again. They didn’t want the game finished. That’s what he told me."

"Who didn’t?" Max inquires. "What is this game?"

"The Four Square game." Jennifer tells us. "The one about the Royal Four and Antar. He was creating the code and the story behind the game while he lived here." She sighs. "He needed my help with some of the computer work. I was interested in the whole concept. He told me all about Zan and Vilandra and the Royal Four." She eyes us for a minute. "You do know about this don’t you? You’re the model for Zan." She nods towards Max. "He showed me a picture of you that he drew. You must be his friend."

"Maybe you should tell us everything." Max replies evenly, not wanting to give away too much. He is clearly just as confused as I am but it is beginning to sound like Jennifer thinks that everything Alex told her was all fiction, which is actually a big relief.

"Well, Zan is an alien king, stranded on Earth, trapped in a teenage human’s body." Jennifer explains. "He is in love with a human, but he can’t be with her. His destiny is to marry Ava, his queen from another life. But the whole game revolves around Zan trying to find a way to be with his human love and still save his people."

I don’t even dare to look at Max. I know that I might start laughing hysterically if I do. Told this way, it does all sound like a crazy, fantastic story.

But this is my life. It is Max’s life. No wonder neither of us know whether we are coming or going.

I only know one thing. This is the weirdest thing I have ever heard. Was this all an elaborate ruse that Alex had made up in order to get Leanna to help him without giving away Max and Michael and Isabel’s secret? Or is there more to it than that? And what did Tess have to do with it?

"Anyway, Ray got the concept from some guy he knew back in Roswell. Where he’s from." She adds. "He had this book that he needed to translate, which gave the basic outline of the concept. We worked on translating it together. We rented some space in an old warehouse." She frowns. "I never understood why he was so paranoid that someone was going to try and take the game away from him, but he would work on it in his room and e-mail me the new parts in the warehouse. He was trying to keep it a secret. Finally he left the dorm altogether and went to stay in the warehouse. He said they were on to him." She tears up again. "I just thought he was a little bit crazy, like a lot of computer geeks." She pauses. "He was murdered, wasn’t he? He was right?"

"He died in a car accident." I tell her. Whether she notices that I don’t dispute the point about whether he was murdered or not, I don’t know.

"Why is a computer game so important?" Jennifer asks. "I never got it."

I glance at Max. "That’s what I’d like to know." He says. "Do you have any of the stuff Ray was working on?"

She swallows. I can tell she is still unsure whether to trust us. "I…"

I take her hand. She glances down, then looks up, stares right into my eyes. "Ray’s real name was Alex." I tell her. "He became my best friend in the fifth grade. You’re right. He was murdered. And we…" I indicate Max and myself. "We’re going to find out why."

I see Jennifer’s eyes widen. "I’ll tell you everything I know." She tells me quietly. "I owe him that much." She looks ashamed suddenly. "Because I think I might have led them right to him. They seemed so normal though…"

I feel Max beside me, listening just as intently as I am. "Who?" He asks urgently.

"There were two of them. A guy and a girl. She was kind of short, with blonde curly hair and way too much lip gloss." I press my lips together. That HAD to be Tess. "He was tall, blond too." Jennifer continues. "They didn’t look dangerous. She said she was Ray’s sister, that he had run away from home." Tears fill her eyes. She swallows heavily. "I believed her."

"You’re not the only one." I murmur to myself, not even looking at Max. He is crouched on the floor beside me. I can feel him tensing during the talk about Tess. Hearing the story of how she had used Alex, how she HAD been responsible for his death…it was hard on ME. I can’t even imagine what it is doing to Max, who often has a guilt complex that could pave the route to his planet and back - twice.

No one had been closer to her than he had. It makes me sick, but there it is. Twice, in less than a year, girls that Max loved had seemingly betrayed him. He knew now that I hadn’t, but it still didn’t dull the pain of the last few months. He had committed to Tess even further than he ever had with me, despite all his protestations of regretting it immediately. Her betrayal was, of course, a million times worse because, not only had she murdered one of the people Max had trusted, the thing he most feared, she had put him in a position where he had had no choice but to abandon his own child.

She was pure evil. I wish now that I had had the chance to say all the things to her that I longed to, that I had done so long before any of this had happened. I had NEVER trusted her. But I had been the martyr, walking away from Max, going along with Future Max’s plan, believing that my own gut instinct was only the result of jealousy, when "following my heart," as my grandmother had told me to do, had never failed me to that point.

My heart had told me to fight for Max, not to trust Tess and I had ignored it.

It had killed Alex.

I close my eyes briefly, before reaching into my purse and pulling out the picture of all of us that had been taken the night of the prom. I hand it to Jennifer, not even saying anything.

She stares at it, nodding. "That’s her." She acknowledges. Because there she is, in her ice blue prom dress, standing with all of us, right beside me as a matter of fact, smiling as though she cares about us, seemingly unconcerned by the fact that Max and I are there together, knowing that she has the upper hand, that it will only be a matter of hours before she manipulates all of us on the road to Alex’s destruction.

I pull myself up off the floor, sit down on the couch beside her, feel a lump in my throat as I look at the picture with her. I never saw Alex as happy as he was that night. Both he and Isabel are practically glowing in the photo, finally recognizing how much they meant to each other, and they never even got a chance to move forward with it.

It was completely unfair. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was Alex. I miss him so much.

I can feel Max’s eyes on me. I know that he knows what is going through my mind. And even though I am not looking at him, I can almost feel his desire to do something to comfort me. But now is not the time.

I force myself to take the picture from Jennifer, place it gently back where it came from. "What about the guy?" I ask urgently, at this point, only answers capable of keeping my tears at bay.

"She called him Lazar." Jennifer shrugs. "He didn’t say much. She did all the talking. I got the impression that he was in charge though."

"Is there anything else you can tell us?" Max asks, getting to his feet. He seems frustrated suddenly. I glance at him as he shoves his hands roughly into the pockets of his khakis, his entire body radiating tension.

"Just that I told them where his room was - actually I took them there." Jennifer replies. "They messed around on his computer. I knew I shouldn’t have let them, but they seemed to know their way around so well, I didn’t say anything. Anyway, the blonde girl took a disk out of the hard drive and then the guy pulled the whole computer out of the wall and took it with them." She pauses, closes her eyes briefly. "And then I told them how to find the warehouse where he was hiding." She begins to sob again. "I am so sorry."

I take her hand, squeeze it. "It wasn’t your fault." I tell her, meaning it. She had had no idea what she was really dealing with. I knew better than anyone what a great actress Tess Harding had turned out to be and I had known what she really was. "Thank you." I pull the picture of Alex and Leanna out of my purse again, glance at Max, who is watching me closely, and hand it to her. "He would want you to have this."

She takes it, smiles. "Thanks. He was a really great guy. I missed him when he was gone."

I impulsively reach out and hug her. "Trust me. I know how that feels." I feel a moment of close connection with this girl - one who had ended up in a situation that she couldn’t control and didn’t understand - one that had ended in tragedy.

Did I ever know how that felt.

After leaving Jennifer, Max and I are back in his parent’s car before either of us says anything.

I feel numb. I never realized how much looking into what had happened to Alex was going to hurt. When I had done it before, right after the funeral, it had helped, had made the pain less, because at least I had felt like I was doing something to show Alex how much I had loved him.

Now I just felt, more and more, with every single step forward we took, that his death was my fault.

I had known what she was and I had let her close to him - to all of us. How could I have been so stupid?

The ridiculous thing is that I know that Max, sitting right beside me, staring unseeing out the front windshield, is thinking the exactly the same thing I am.

And, in that moment, I know I want him to. Because it is something that we have always shared, this complete feeling of responsibility for the safety of our friends. If guilt has to be the only think bonding us now, it is better than nothing.

It’s sick, but I am willing to take what I can get. If I can’t have Max, then at least I can understand him, can still have that connection with him.

Finally, he speaks. "Liz, are you okay?"

"I will be." I reply, knowing that I sound cold. I wonder if he thinks that I am mad at him again because of it. But I have to stay frozen or I won’t be able to move forward. All the grief and pain that I have felt over Alex’s death is threatening to come back in great waves if I let even one inch of my control go.

But Max knows this. He knows me. "Okay. Where to now?" He asks, sounding strangely upbeat, in that way that people do when they are trying to ignore what’s really going on under the surface. I, of course, basically just told him to, but I am still irritated.

"We need to find out who that guy was." I tell him evenly, although of course he knows this. I look over at him. "Have you been through any of Tess’s stuff yet?"

He grimaces. "No. I didn’t want to bug the Sheriff. He’s not doing so hot."

I feel a pang for the man who had done so much for us. Maria had been convinced that he would be all right, but I knew better. He had grown to love Tess like a daughter. That she had turned out to be one of those evil aliens he had so feared when he had still be chasing Max - it was the supreme irony. The Sheriff was not a cold man. He would be hurt and angry and would feel stupid too.

Of course, he couldn’t feel any more stupid than the rest of us. Tess had done a number on all of us that it was going to take a very long time to get over, if ever. It was going to be virtually impossible to let anyone new into our small band of seven. We would always remember her, remember how we had let her in and how she had killed the best and brightest of us, how she had almost killed Michael and Isabel, how she had stolen Max’s innocence and had broken my heart in the process.

Not being able to trust anyone new meant that we were irretrievably stuck with each other - for better and for worse. We no longer had any other options.

Max once told me that I would always be a part of the group. It had comforted me then. Now it was beginning to feel like a prison because the one person I most wanted to be stuck with, Max himself, was lost to me.

All because of Tess and the baby Max was driven to find.

"I don’t think she would have left anything incriminating around there anyway. Someone might have stumbled on it." I tell Max a few minutes later as he pulled out on to the highway. I pause, thinking. "The lease on that house Nasedo rented is still good, isn’t it?"

Max nods. "He told Tess that it was hers, in her name. He paid two years rent when he leased it."

I frown. "Ironic that she ended up in the Sheriff’s house because you thought she was in danger from the Skins there." I shake my head. "She wasn’t ever in any danger. I bet she used that place all the time."

"Let’s check it out." Max agrees. "I haven’t been anywhere near it since that night."

As we drove, I thought about Tess and Nasedo and the deal they had made with Khivar. The more I thought about it, the stranger it seemed. If Nicholas was Khivar’s right hand man, his representative on Earth, then why had the Skins killed Nasedo, with whom Khivar had a deal? It didn’t make any sense. I voice this to Max.

He just shakes his head. "I’ve thought about that Liz. I don’t get it either. I wondered if maybe Nasedo decided to renege on the deal once he found us, that he thought we would get him back there anyway and that he didn’t need to betray us, but that he never got a chance to tell Tess."

Tess. It all comes back to her. Why was she willing to betray the three she was supposed to be most loyal to? How could getting back to the planet be so important that she was willing to completely disregard her purpose of existence, which was to save her people as a member of the Royal Four? How could she have turned out so badly?

I remember Ava, remember how nice she was, how easily I got along with her. She would have fit in with Max and Isabel and Michael far better than Tess ever did. She was good. I know she was.

So what had gone so wrong with Tess?

But, deep down, I know what it was. It was me and the way Max felt about me. She hated me so much, for taking the place in his heart that she felt rightfully belonged to her, she was willing to kill him rather than let me have him.

Loving me had almost killed him.

And now she is gone, but the memory of her and the disaster she left behind is still with us. She is still winning.

I can feel myself beginning to seethe with rage. I was still letting her win, letting her come between us.

I know that Max wants to be with me, know that I am the only one standing in the way of it - me and my pride.

I wonder if pride is worth it. If my pride is worth letting her win.

I realize that Max and I have been driving in complete silence for quite a while. We are on the outskirts of Roswell already.

I glance over at him. He is staring straight ahead, his jaw clenched, clearly deep in thought. I can feel the barely harnessed combination of pain and guilt and anger that is lingering beneath the surface of the teenage guy who saved my life. The one I lied for, broke the law for, jumped off bridges for…the one I was willing to give up to save the world, to save HIS world.

The love I have for him is so mixed up with hate at this point, all I want to do is to end it, take the plunge back into the alien abyss once and for all and accept that I am never going to be able to let go of what we once had. I am never going to be able to let go of the sweet, loving, brave boy I fell in love with. The one SHE destroyed.

"Max." He glances over at me, blinking at the hard edge to my voice. "Pull over."

"Liz, what’s wrong?"

"Pull over." I repeat. "Now."

He slowly pulls the car off the highway and onto the shoulder. He is already turning in his seat to see what’s wrong before the car stops rolling.

"Liz…"

But he never gets a chance to say anything. I have my seat belt off and I am already moving towards him. I see one instant of complete astonishment on his face before I bring my lips down onto his.

The surprise of it does not stop him from responding eagerly. His hands plunge into my hair, bringing me closer. Through a haze of grief and hate and love I can hear him saying my name. "Liz! Oh God. I love you so much."

I don’t say anything, just continue to kiss him, to revel in the fact that he’s really there, that he isn’t off on some distant planet, on the verge of execution.

It is in that instant that the connection flares to life. And as the flashes begin, it is in then that I remember why this is going to be the last time that I will ever kiss the love of my life.

To be continued…

"It was you."

You're always waiting on the tide
It's time you decide.
I've walked down long roads that seem to have no end at all.

You never wanted time to end,
To let my life offend.
It's time to realize what hides deep inside your holy eyes,
Hold on tight, hold on fast
This ain't the kind that always lasts.
If you want me to go just ask me to go, I'll go.

All the way my love, over the hills and right on through you.
Run away my love, over the hills and right on through you.
Over the hills and right on through you.

Lying awake in these restless dreams,
Life's never what it seems.
I've always tried to read your eyes,
To get inside that scornful mind.
Hold on tight, hold on fast
This ain't the kind that always lasts.
If you want me to go just ask me to go, I'll go.

All the way my love, over the hills and right on through you.
Run away my love, over the hills and right on through you.
Over the hills and right on through you.

I was with you on that pallet steaming,
Spinning 'round in circles dreaming.
I was with you on that pallet steaming
Running 'round in circles screaming...

All the way my love, over the hills and right on through you...
Run away my love, over the hills and right on through.
All the way my love, over the hills and right on through you...
Run away my love, over the hills and right on through.

Sarah McLachlan

I cannot believe that she is actually in my arms again. It has happened so suddenly, its like some sort of weird dream come to life.

Not that I’m complaining mind you. This entire afternoon has been one giant exercise of being hit in the face by the fact that Liz has absolutely no intention of being with me again. We are a unit, a team, yes, but for two reasons alone. To find out the truth behind Alex’s death and to save my son.

And I was accepting it. I was. I was worried about how brittle she was throughout the entire conversation with Leanna, but I had been happy simply being in her presence, working with her again.

And then she tells me to stop the car and suddenly she has jumped me and everything is suddenly up-ended again.

The firm lid I had put on my desire to touch her and BE with her has been completely demolished. I am simply reveling in the feel of her silky hair under my hands, marveling over the fact that I am actually kissing her again when the flashes start.

The connection is so abrupt and so sudden, I hear Liz gasp before I can even begin to make any sense of them.

Flash*

Liz watching me kiss Tess at the prom, horror and pain and betrayal washing over her. And then anger and resolve.

Flash*

Liz and Sean at the bowling alley, the pain being replaced by acceptance and a desire to move forward.

Flash*

Liz, shocked and betrayed, as she listens to me tell the others that I believe Valenti - that Alex committed suicide. Anger, which results in words that she cannot take back, words she regrets but that will not turn her away from her purpose.

Flash*

Liz in tears, poring over a stack of pictures of Alex. A serene feeling settles over her as some guy shows up at the door of the Crashdown with a story that tells her she is on the right track.

Flash*

Liz, Maria and Michael in some sort of broken down warehouse. Triumph as they find the translated book - and, yet, there are still more answers to be sought.

Flash*

Liz in the Jeep as I tell her that Tess is pregnant with MY child. The wave of pain and betrayal that washes over her is so intense, I momentarily lose my connection to her.

Flash*

Liz in Sean Deluca’s arms. Her grief over my departure is so sharp, I can barely comprehend why she is with Sean. And then she is turning away from him…

The connection ends as abruptly as it began.

It is in that instant that I realize that Liz is no longer on my lap, having wrenched herself away from me, but is back on her side of the car, fumbling with the handle to the door. She is stumbling out and I can hear her retching.

Oh good Lord. The flashes…

I don’t want to even begin to contemplate what she saw from ME, but it was clearly all bad - enough to actually make her physically sick.

I am out of the car and around to her side in an instant. She is on her hands and knees, taking deep gulps of air. I drop to my knees beside her, reach over to pull her hair back as she retches again. I can hear the sobs beginning to intermingle with the sounds of sickness.

"Liz?"

She is beginning to breathe more evenly again. "Please Max. Don’t touch me." I drop my hands instantly. There is a long moment of silence and then. "I saw you…with her."

I have absolutely no idea what to say. "Oh." And then, "Liz, I’m sorry."

She is sitting back on her heels now, her gaze trained out across the desert. "I thought…I thought maybe I could move past it. I really thought maybe…" She pauses. "I didn’t want her to win, but she’s going to because… Max, I FELT how you felt when you were with her." Her voice hitches slightly.

"Liz…"

"Max, ever since the first time that we connected, I’ve been able to feel how you feel about ME. Why is she there? Why?" Her hands are covering her eyes. She is not crying, but I can hear her voice failing as the tears try to take over. I want so desperately to pull her into my arms to comfort her, but I know that it will only make things worse.

"Liz, I wasn’t myself." I fumble with the words. I just want to convince her that the way I felt about Tess…yes, it had been real at the time, but…

But there is no excuse. I had felt something for Tess when we had been together. I had told Liz on the night before we were supposed to leave that I didn’t love Tess the way I loved her, and I hadn’t, but I couldn’t deny it. She had wormed her way into my heart.

It had been so easy to be with her. She didn’t expect anything of me. Not like Liz, not like Isabel, not like Michael. She just wanted ME, wanted to make ME happy. Or at least that’s what I thought.

Of course, I only found out later WHY she wanted me. But when we had consummated our relationship, I had been giving in because I was so tired of constantly having to live up to what the others expected me to be. Tess had let me give into every selfish impulse I had ever had.

And I had reveled in it.

Yup, I’m one sick bastard all right. I know it. And now Liz knows it too.

"You hated me when you did that with her." I snap my head around to stare at her. She is whispering, but it resounds like a gunshot through my brain.

"What??"

"You did Max. I felt it. You were trying to get back at me. You were thinking about ME when you were with her." I can hear the horror in her voice, the realization of what this means.

It isn’t true. I know it isn’t. "Liz, no. I swear…"

"Max, you did." She looks at me, her expression suddenly fierce. "How could you have hated me so much that you would deliberately set out to hurt me that way?" She swallows harshly. "I never knew you at all, did I? The person I fell in love with - he never even existed at all, did he?"

I just stare at her. I literally feel like I have been punched in the solar plexus. She is meeting my gaze steadily, but I can see the rage beginning to build in her eyes. "You actually hated me." There is another long moment of silence. She closes her eyes, as though to shut out my face. "I need you to take me home." Liz finally says, climbing to her feet. "This is the end Max. We can’t ever be together after this. I cannot ever see that again. I don’t want to ever feel that way again - EVER."

I am completely numb. I know its not true, but I have no idea how to make her see it. What I had done with Tess had had nothing to do with her. It had had everything to do with ME and how much I had just wanted to give up. I was positive that I had NOT thought of Liz at all. Now, I know that’s not necessarily a good thing, but she had not been involved in my decision at all.

It hadn’t really been much of a decision actually. Tess had just been there - like she was always there when I was at my worst, and, finally, I had just given in.

But Liz had seen it. She had looked into my soul and she had seen it. Had she seen some part of me that I didn’t even know existed?

Because, although I had been angry and hurt and completely out of control at that time, I had NEVER hated Liz - at least not so that I was aware of it.

We are driving again. I pull up in front of the Crashdown after what seems like moments, but has really been another fifteen minutes. I realize that this might truly be it. I may never actually speak to Liz Parker again.

I have to try and convince her. At least once more. "Liz, please…I don’t know what you saw, but I’m telling you, I NEVER felt that way. I swear it."

Liz is staring out the front windshield of my parent’s car, her expression completely shuttered. She doesn’t even look at me. "Max, I saw it."

"Liz, it can’t just END like this. Please." And then I just throw all caution to the wind. I will never forgive myself if I don’t say what my entire soul is screaming. "I love you."

Finally, she turns to look at me. "I know you do. But this thing between us Max…its destructive. I can’t ever be with you. Spending time with you only makes it worse. Sean…" She stops abruptly.

I feel a flash of rage. Sean. Sean Deluca. He had said something to her, something that has made her decide this is the only way. "What about Sean?" I demand, unable to control the snarl in my tone despite myself. I instantly regret it because she tenses up and glares at me.

"Sean was right. I will never be able to move forward as long as you are in my life." She says it coldly, cutting right to my heart. "I’m tired of looking back Max. Whoever it was I fell in love with, you are no longer him."

I can’t even speak because I know its not true. I am still him - I am still the same person.

The only difference is that I am completely lost, adrift, and now I am never going to find my way back home.

I can’t do it without her.

"I just want to say it once more." Liz’s eyes are beginning to fill with tears, but her tone is still controlled and frigid as she says, "Thank you for saving my life. I swear it won’t be for nothing. I’m going to make something of it."
She says it with utter certainty and I know its true. And she’s going to do it without me.

"Goodbye Max. I hope you find your son. I guess I’ll see you at school."

She is gone. And she doesn’t look back.

****************************************************

I am lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, willing myself to fall asleep.

All I want to do is to let myself tumble into oblivion.

But I doubt it will even help. I’ll probably just dream about Alex again - and Sean and Liz together. More dreams where my guilt and fear and jealousy and hate start to suffocate me.

I wonder if maybe I should get up and go over to Tess’s. At least I can look around there - see if there’s anything that gives me some kind of clue as to what the hell Tess did to Alex, exactly how her plan went forward…and who the mysterious Lazar is.

It is the only thing I can do right now. I have no idea where to even start looking for my son. It is all completely hopeless. I am never going to find him and the one person who was determined to make sure I did is now gone.

But I can try and help Alex. Because that dream is still haunting me. It had to mean something. It had to!

There is no way my parents are going to let me out this late with the car - not after the Jeep fiasco, so I just open my bedroom window and climb right out.

It’s a warm evening. It is late May after all. I thrust my hands into my pockets, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. My mind is a complete void. I am refusing to think about anything, because if I do, all I will think about is Liz.

As of this moment, my emotions are on complete lockdown. I refuse to think about that scene this afternoon. If I don’t think about it, it never happened. There is still hope.

I am concentrating so hard on NOT thinking, I almost smash into Michael before I realize that he’s there.

"Jeez! Maxwell! Watch where you’re going!" My best friend is glaring at me, but he’s not really mad. "Where the hell are you off to? I was just coming to talk to you!"

Trust Michael to sound annoyed that I might potentially have something better to do than to sit on my bed waiting for him to show up to talk to me. I just roll my eyes. I am so NOT in the mood to deal with him. "What?"

Michael eyes me for a moment. "What’s wrong?" He demands instantly.

"Nothing’s wrong." I reply. "I’m just going over to the Harding house to check out some stuff."

"Max, you better not be keeping something from me." Michael growls, falling into step beside me. "I’m coming with you. There is absolutely no reason for you to go to the Harding house unless you’re looking for something. And since I know YOU, I know that whatever it is, I should know about it. I also know that you won’t tell me unless I find out myself and so I’m coming."

I just stare at Michael. "Are you quite finished?" He scowls, nods curtly. "Fine, you can come. I really don’t care."

This stops Michael in his steps. "Okay, something is really wrong. What’s going on? Tell me Maxwell. Now." And then, just because he does know me… "It’s Liz, isn’t it?"

I scrub my hand across my face wearily. "There is no more Liz Michael. We’re through. For good."

"That’s bull. What happened?"

"I don’t want to talk about it."

"Maxwell…" Michael trails off warningly. For God’s sake! Can’t a guy even brood in peace!

"She kissed me and she got flashes of me and Tess together." I yell. "There! Are you satisfied? She says that I slept with Tess to get back at her - that I HATED her when I did it. And I don’t even know WHAT she’s talking about. I know it had nothing to do with her! I was a selfish bastard, yes, but I KNOW that I did not deliberately sleep with Tess to hurt Liz."

Michael just stares at me. "She saw all that from a few flashes?" He demands after a moment. "Jeez. Maria and I have a lot of catching up to do." He mutters. But he is now looking thoughtful, as though the pieces of a puzzle are starting to fall into place.

"What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?" I snap. Of course he’s not taking this at all seriously. To Michael, likely to Maria and to Isabel too, Liz and I just need to get over ourselves, need to admit we want to be together.

I can just hear Maria now: "Sure, you made some mistakes Max and Liz, but you’re SOULMATES, you BELONG together."

Screw that.

"It means that I don’t know what the hell you and Tess did, but you must have been doing something completely weird, because there was no hour long culmination for me buddy." He sounds annoyed. "You’re like the flashes/orgasmo king! What the hell? How is any guy supposed to compete with that?"

Okay, now I have no clue what the hell he’s talking about. "Pardon me?"

"Maria and me. We did it. And while it was certainly awesome, I don’t know how the hell you managed to keep that up for an hour. And what, do you and Liz like have some sort of psycho link to each other’s worst nightmares? What is with you man? Why do you insist on always taking everything to extremes?"

I am staring at him, unable to even form coherent thought. "You and Maria? When?" It is the most inane of questions, but I am currently unable to think of another.

"The night before we were supposed to leave." He clears his throat, actually looking embarrassed suddenly. "And last night. But don’t tell anyone I told you. She’ll kill me."

"And are you saying that Maria got flashes?" I ask.

"Yeah, but nothing like you and Liz. It was all good."

I am suddenly so jealous, all I want to do is punch him. I clench my fists at my sides. "I so cannot hear THIS right now."

I am getting ready to storm away when Michael puts a heavy hand on my shoulder, stopping me. "Max, I need you to listen to me. I think I might have thought of something."

"What?" I snarl. He, being Michael, isn’t the least bit intimidated.

"Do you think it was real?" He asks, right to the point as always.

"Was what real?"

"What you did with Tess? Don’t you think its all a little too good to be true? I mean the girl proved herself to be the mindwarping queen…maybe she just MADE you think you had one for an hour." He smirks at me. " ‘Cause being the expert and all…"

"Would you shut up." I mutter. But he has started something whirling through my mind. A thin slice of hope. "You think that nothing happened at all?"

"I don’t mean that. I mean the chick WAS pregnant." Michael sounds actually sorry that he has to say it. "But maybe that whole hour long thing was just something to make sure that she truly kept you in line. I mean, you’re a guy. I’m a guy. I know how we think. I know how GIRLS think we think. Hour-long culmination. To a girl, she’d probably think it was manna from heaven for us. I mean, not that it wouldn’t be, but what there is ain’t so bad either." He smirks again. "Hell, if she was mindwarping you, maybe you DIDN’T have sex with her - she just made you think you did."

Why is Michael doing this to me? Doesn’t he know that I would kill for this to be true? And yet, I know it was real. What Liz saw when we connected only reinforces it.

"I think…maybe because Maria’s human?" I am playing devil’s advocate. "Rath and Lonnie told Tess and I in New York that there was nothing like alien sex. Maybe with humans, its just different?"

Michael looks at me completely seriously. "Maxwell, I’m telling you. When you love the girl, there is NO WAY that there can be anything better, alien or otherwise."

Okay, when did Michael Guerin suddenly become Dr. Love again?

"But the baby…" I trail off. This can’t be true. How could she possibly have made me believe it so thoroughly? And Liz had SEEN it.

"Dude, it might not have been yours." Michael says logically. He starts to walk away. "I think I’ll let you go to the Hardings by yourself. But think about it."

Like it won’t be the only thing I’ll think about for the rest of the night.

It is too good to be true. There is no way that this whole dilemma could be resolved as simply as that. And if I was mindwarped, shouldn’t it have started to wear off by now? Was Tess really so strong that she could maintain an illusion of such a magnitude, even from the home planet?

And it was then that I remember Amy Deluca.

Because Tess’s gift was not just mind-warping.

Tess also had the power to change memories.

And maybe not just mine.

Part 7 - Liz POV - Plenty

I looked into your eyes
They told me plenty
I already knew.
You never felt a thing
So soon forgotten all that you do
In more than words
I tried to tell you
The more I tried I failed.
I would not let myself believe that you might stray
And I would stand by you
No matter what they’d say.
I thought I’d be with you until my dying day
Until my dying day.

I used to think my life
Was often empty
A lonely s