FIC: Mindset (1/1)
Author: becky rttavi@aol.com
Rating: PG
Pairing: M/M Michael POV
Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Roswell or the characters of
Roswell.

IMPROV #8     lilac -- amuse -- savor -- sky


Standing alone in a state of denial I try to find the words that would make
sense right now, but they elude me completely. I can't even think about the
times behind me anymore. All I want to do is try to focus on the future. The
future that is right in front of me, so close I can almost taste it. I try to
keep steadfast to my claim that when the chips are down you can only count on
yourself.

Okay, that may not be entirely true. I have friends, the best in the world.
Any world, actually. No matter what, they tend to stand by me. Through all my
juvenile antics and stupid theories about where we came from; they were
there. Okay, there is someone else too. There is that special someone that
you find yourself drawn to even though you know it'll never last. Even though
your senses are telling you to run like the wind, part of you can't. The part
of you that only wants to bask in her beauty and savor every second with her.

I tried to run away from her, but I failed there as well. I couldn't stay
away. I couldn't convince myself that I didn't need her because I did. I
needed her more than anything else in my life and there she was. Waiting. I
kept her waiting, that's for sure. I didn't do anything except make her wait.
Why I was being such an ass, I'll never know, but I was and she waited.

It's been a long time since I first saw her. Not just saw her physically; but
really saw her. Saw into her. I gained more in a look than others did in an
entire conversation. When she laughed I felt every heartstring tugging. Her
laughter is like music; her tone was enchanting. Looking back, what do they
say, that hindsight is twenty-twenty, right? Looking back now I see someone I
should have given myself to completely when I had the first opportunity.

Instead, I ran.

Then I ran back as fast as my legs would carry me.

That's when I knew that my heart was kept. She was the keeper of my heart and
I just had to deal with it and accept it. In truth, I loved it. So when the
chips are really down, there's more than just me to count on. There always
has been, there's been her.

In the beginning, sometimes I think I'd try to get a rise out of her just to
amuse myself. It worked, for awhile at least. Then I didn't want to get a
rise out of her, I just wanted her to hold me and tell me everything was
going to be okay. Of course, if she would have actually done that, better
yet, if I would have let her, then I don't think I'd be where I'm at right
now. Today.

If she would have done everything I thought I had wanted a long time ago,
nothing would be turning out like it is now. Today. I would have still run
away, but I don't think I would have looked back let alone went running back.
All of my juvenile delusions of something better, some better life for me,
were clouding what was right in front of me. If pushed, I would have rebelled
just for the reason of rebelling alone. Everything happens for a reason,
someone told me that once, and I believe it. 

I look around with my eyes clouded again. This time they're clouded by
something else. Some people are blinded by love; I'm clouded. As my mind
brings me back to today, I'm relieved. The nervousness and second thoughts
have scattered like the tiny petals of a lilac blossom. I hate the simile; it
sounds like something Maria would say. Maybe I love it instead.

I shrugged as a new calm washed over me, filling me with a sense that I knew
I had buried. A sense that I was doing the right thing after all. Not that I
ever doubted it, but it's still nice to get some reassurance from somewhere
deeper.

I clear my throat and look around, the haze was lifting and I was exactly
where I wanted to be. After all the years and serious doubts, I knew without
any doubt I was doing the right thing. That we were doing the right thing. No
hesitation, not here, Michael Guerin was getting ready to do what he wanted
and nothing was going to stop him.

I looked around me again and then up to the sky, I made a few prayers to
whoever was out there, up there, listening. When I faced forward again I
heard an intake of breath from the person next to me. I don't remember when
he got there. I followed his vision and then felt my own breath be taken away.

A vision of…Any word that comes to mind sounds too tacky for her. A vision of
my existence is the best that I can come up. She walks towards me and I
notice we're not alone. I can't tell who else is around, I don't think I
really care anyway. I have my eyes on one person and one person alone.

I hope I'm smiling when she reaches me with a crooked grin on her face. Then
I wonder how could I not be. Everything I've worked for is reaching its
culmination. Standing here in the woods, under an altar fashioned from the
trees around us, I take her hand. I make promises I know I'll keep as we're
joined by law in the way we were joined in heart almost too long ago to
remember.

end.