By DocPaul
Chapter
Sixteen: Recovery…
Max
waited for the door to be answered. Frowning, he rang the doorbell again. When
Liz opened the door, she looked tired.
“Are
you okay? I was worried.”
Liz
smiled slightly. “Max, I’m sorry. I should’ve called you.” She moved
aside and let him into her apartment. “I was tired so I took a nap.” She
went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of juice. “Do you mind if I
cancel the Lamaze class tonight? I really feel too tired to go.”
Max
moved up next to her. Putting his hands on her back, he rubbed it. Liz moaned
and leaned against the counter. “Your back hurts, too?” Liz nodded. “Do
you think I should call the doctor?”
Liz
laughed and moved away from him. “That’s okay, Max. I think if he gets any
more false alarms from the anxious new father, we’re going to find an extra
bill attached to this delivery. Emma is fine. I’m fine.” Liz motioned to the
door. “Really. We’re fine.”
“I
could stay. Cook you dinner. Take care of you?”
Liz
laughed. “Thanks, Max. Really. It’s not necessary. I’m sure you have work
and things to do.”
Max
frowned as the door closed behind him. Months. It had been months, and he and
Liz had found a peace with each other, but she wasn’t letting him back into
her life. Lamaze classes helped. She was letting him stay active with the baby,
but when it came to her personal life, she kept him out.
~~~
Michael
was working on some new contracts when Max found him at the office. “Hey, Max?
What’s up?” Michael got up and closed his office door. “What is it? Liz?
The baby?”
“No.
They’re fine. Liz is getting close, and no, she isn’t cutting me any slack,
yet. This is something else.” Max actually looked sick.
“What?”
Max
held out a folder. “I got the final report on Maria and Chicago. I even called
and confirmed most of it. Talked to people.” Max’s eyes were shadowed. He
put the folder down next to his side. “I don’t think you should read it,
Michael.”
Michael
licked his lips. “Why?”
“It’s
bad. Real bad. This can’t….” Max sniffed and looked out Michael’s office
window. “You can’t change this, or make it better. Ever.”
Michael
felt the air trap in his lungs. Rape? Incest? Murder? So many horrors possible,
he wasn’t sure which one he preferred it to be. “I’ve gotta know.”
“Michael…trust
me on this.”
“She
still has anxiety attacks over me. I thought that the closer we got to marriage,
the less frequent they’d happen. Sometimes, I don’t even know what it is
that sets her off. She’s not talking. She said that it’ll get better with
time, but this is what it is for now.” Michael ran a hand through his hair.
“What if I’m hurting her, and I don’t even know it? What if I show up on
my wedding day and she doesn’t, or she has an anxiety attack in the middle of
the ceremony?” Michael looked at that file. His hand reached for it. “I have
to know.”
Max
nodded. He would feel the same. It was an invasion of Maria’s privacy, but
they were getting married. Joining their lives together. How could there be
secrets? Max had read the file, he could understand why Maria didn’t talk
about it.
Michael
took the file, and Max stood with his back to Michael, staring out the window of
the office while Michael read the report. He heard Michael’s exclamation of
distress, and the moment the file hit the floor. Max bowed his head and shut his
eyes. He was tired. Real tired.
~~~
Tess
was working with a fourteen year old boy when Michael arrived. The boy was
trying to learn to walk again. It was hard. He had lost his left leg in a car
accident, and his parents, so riddled with guilt, tended to give way to him
every time he backed away from trying.
“Johnny,
a step. See it in your mind. You still know how to walk. You need to adjust for
the prosthesis.”
“I
can’t.” Tess frowned at the surly boy. Smiling, she knelt next to him.
“Hard
day, huh?”
Johnny
shrugged. “Hard life.”
Tess
looked down at the floor. “I know. Sometimes, people get tough breaks. No one
really knows why. It just happens that way.” Tess smiled slightly. “I can
tell you that a person can find a lot of strength inside themselves when they
need to. I have this sort of boyfriend.” Tess rolled her eyes. Johnny looked
at her with interest. “He’s a real grade-A bad boy. He likes to run wild
with the toughies, but really….deep inside, here….” She touched Johnny’s
heart. “He’s been hurt. Real bad. He lacks….not courage, but maybe he
lives with too much fear. Fear of failure, fear of trying, or perhaps a fear
that he will try and he will fail. He never felt good enough.”
“What
happened to him?”
Tess
laughed, her blue eyes dancing in mirth. “He met me! Poor boy! I am one mean,
sarcastic, sniping bitch! Everyone in
his life always made excuses for him, sort of brushed over his behavior, because
he had a raw deal….you know?” Johnny nodded. Yeah, he knew. People put up
with him and his rotten attitude too. They did it because they couldn’t find
the line between their own guilt, and him acting out. He pushed it, because he
knew he could.
“Is
he okay?”
Tess
laughed. “He’s getting better and better every day. Oh that man! He lives to
prove me wrong. The more judgmental I am of him, the more he works his ass off
just to prove me wrong!” Tess leaned and whispered to Johnny, “Here’s a
secret. He knows that I push him. He knows why he does what he does to prove me
wrong. For him, it’s important, because I make him work for my respect, and
every day, he finds a way to earn it. It’s important to him. This is something
he did himself. Something he’s proud of, and in building this respect from me,
you should see what he’s done for himself!”
“Really?
He….is he...better now?”
“Every
day. One day at a time, he had to rebuild himself into someone he always wanted
to be. So yeah, he is better.” Tess held Johnny’s hands. “Life’s
disappointments and downfalls don’t have to cripple a person, it can teach
them how to be strong. I can’t make you walk, Johnny, only you can do that.
All I can promise is not to baby you. Not to give up on you. And I will not walk
away. If you fall….I’ll catch you. I promise.”
Johnny
thought about it for a few moments, and Tess waited with great patience. Finally
the teenager nodded. He would try. Just a step. One step. Maybe tomorrow, he
would try two.
Michael
watched as the young man awkwardly got to his feet, adjusting for the
strangeness of the artificial limb. Moving his real foot slowly, he had to
redistribute his weight on the artificial one. He hung there, caught in a
moment. Michael could actually see the muscles working. Straining. The intense
concentration. As the weight shifted forward on the real leg, the young boy took
a tentative foot forward. Michael hadn’t realized that he had been holding his
breath.
Johnny
hung there in shock, then he stumbled a little, and Michael started to move to
help, but Tess was already there.
“I’ve
got you!” She slowly moved him backwards to sit in his chair. Readjusting his
limbs, she leaned over him, her hand on the armrests of his chair smiling big.
“You did it! One step!”
“I
almost fell.”
“Almost.
But you didn’t. Every journey starts
with a step. You just took one today. Tomorrow, you’ll take two. Soon, I’ll
be hard pressed to keep up.” Tess brushed his hair and motioned for a helper
to come over. “I’m sending you to whirlpool. It’ll help to loosen the
muscles so you don’t get too sore. You want to try this again tomorrow?”
Johnny
nodded, and before he left he looked back at Tess and smiled a little.
“Tess.”
Tess
picked up a towel and turned to look at Michael. “Michael, hi! What are you
doing here?”
Michael
shook his head. He didn’t even know how to say it. It was stuck somewhere
below his throat. The truth. Tess came over, staring into his face. Michael
could see the moment that realization struck her.
“Oh
God! How? Maria?”
Michael
shook his head. “Max. I asked him to find out for me.” Tess shut her eyes
and breathed hard. Shaking her head, she led him outside. “Tess, please….”
“I
can’t! You don’t understand. It didn’t just happen to Maria. It happened
to me too. I can’t.” Tess dug through her bag. Handing Michael a card, she
folded it in his hand. “Call Jake. He’ll talk to you, now that you know.
He’ll help you understand.” Tess squeezed Michael’s hands. “I’m really
sorry.” Michael watched as she turned and practically ran away.
~~~
“Michael.”
Michael
looked up at the man in the doorway, smiling at him. Putting away the magazine
he was pretending to read, he walked through the door the man held open for him.
“Doctor Pres…”
“Jake.
Call me, Jake. Most of my patients do.” Michael frowned.
“I’m
not a patient. I just need to understand what is wrong with Maria.”
Jake
put his fingers together and inspected Michael over them. “I understand why
you’re here, Michael. There is only so much I can tell you about Maria without
her permission. The fact you know her past now opens the doors for a discourse
that wouldn’t have been available before.” Jake sighed. “Luckily for you,
I know Maria pretty well, and I think she wouldn’t mind me talking to you.
Helping you.”
Michael
frowned at that. He wasn’t the patient, and was uncertain how to start, so he
started with the part that pertained to him. “Her anxiety attacks over me are
because of her father?”
“Correct.”
Jake sat back in his chair, his limbs loose and limber preparing for a long
discussion. “You’ve got that right. From the moment Maria was born, everyone
told her she was exactly like her father. He was an interesting man. There was
nothing and no one he didn’t love more than Maria, except maybe Maria’s
mother, Amy. They had a great love. Two lawyers. He was a criminal lawyer, one
of the best I’m told, and Amy DeLuca was an environmental lawyer specializing
in group action claims and environmental groups like Greenpeace, Earth First,
and Environmental Decade. They were two high powered individuals.”
“How
does her being like her father make her anxious? I don’t understand…”
“It’s
history. Her family history. Her parents worked hard to build their practices,
and they were totally devoted to each other. When they were ready to have a
family, they couldn’t. Amy couldn’t conceive. They tried everything, and
finally gave up. I think they were looking into the possibility of adoption.
Then by a miracle, Amy was pregnant.”
“Maria.”
Jake
nodded. “A most miraculous child for them. Their greatest dream. She was like
sunshine in their lives. Everything was perfect. Ben DeLuca was a devoted family
man. He kept her at his offices during the day so Amy could continue to work.
When she was a toddler, she would sit in his courtroom and color with crayons
her daddy working. She was literally raised in a courtroom. When she started
school, he dropped her off every day, and arranged his schedule to pick her
up.”
“Daddy’s
little princess.”
“Indeed.
She adored him. Adored her mother. Amy was as loving, but she was able to let
Maria have child time away from her. Ben found that a little harder. I think in
all relationships there is one that ‘loves’ more than the other. In Ben and
Amy’s relationship, I believe Ben always felt he loved more, and he did
everything he could to keep Amy happy.”
Michael
grew more attentive at that. His parents were like that. Both needing a lot of
attention. It was what Jim discovered about his mother, and why Jim retired.
“So she was the more selfish of the two?”
“No.
Not from anything I can discern. People who knew them felt that Ben was slightly
obsessed with Amy. Overprotective and perhaps a bit oversensitive in regards to
their relationship. She was a devoted wife and mother. I found no real
indication of selfish behavior.”
“Then…..I
don’t understand.”
Jake
got up and poured a cup of coffee out of a pot. One for him and another for
Michael. Handing Michael the coffee, he sat down sipping his coffee. “Mental
illness is a strange thing. Obsessive natures. Compulsions. A whole scope of
things that motivate people. Hound them. Influence their behaviors. Most of it
doesn’t really affect their lives to the point of being a problem. Or it
shouldn’t. It’s just something...quirky.”
Michael
sipped the coffee. “Then they were happy?”
“Very.
But something happened. Something that no one could predict. Maria was out of
high school by the time she was sixteen and into college and then law school.
One of the youngest law students in her class. She was born to it. Her father
was dramatic in the courtroom. He held people enthralled, and all indications
were that Maria was the same. She was so much like her father. Today, she still
has that dramatic flare. Perhaps it explains the artist in her? Anyway, she was
just out of school and passed the bar exam with unbelievable scores. Her
father’s firm picked her up immediately. She was looking at a few years doing
basement stuff, but her future was bright. An understanding of the law seemed to
be bred in her, perhaps in mother’s milk.”
“She
doesn’t practice law any longer. Not really.”
“No.
She doesn’t. She never will again. Not like that.” Jake put down the coffee.
“Amy DeLuca got pregnant again. She was so much older. It was totally
unexpected, and Maria was just twenty. Amy was in her fifties. So it was a
shock. The chances of the baby being normal without Downs Syndrome or some other
birth defect were very high. Amy knew how Ben was about family, about Maria, and
her. She couldn’t tell him. Not until she knew if the baby was okay. So she
made all these mysterious appointments. Late home. Unaccounted for hours.”
Michael
saw it unfold. “He was jealous.”
“He
thought she was having an affair. Amy worked with environmentalists. Young men.
Scruffy. Moralistic. And Ben was a tad overly possessive. He built this idea in
his mind that she was going to leave him.”
Michael
couldn’t sit still any longer. He had to walk. His stomach hurt. He knew the
story, but hearing it told was worse. So much worse.
“He
killed her, and then himself.” Michael said, his voice hollow and somehow
obscene in the quietness of the room.
“Yes.
A murder/suicide.” Jake drank his coffee. “No one knows why that day, or
what it was that made him snap. He loved her so much, so obsessively, he
couldn’t imagine letting her go. He’d rather see her dead first, and in
that, he couldn’t imagine living without her, so…”
“God!”
Michael licked his dry lips. “And Maria?”
“She
knew about the baby. Her mother shared her fears, and Maria came home that day
wanting to know the test results, and if they were going to share the happy new
with her father. She walked in on the crime scene.”
Michael
stood at the window looking out, his mind trying to imagine what Maria saw. What
she walked in on. Her life. There, in a puddle of blood. Shattered. All her
childhood happiness, in that moment, a lie. Michael couldn’t breathe.
Struggling to stay calm, he closed his eyes. “And me?”
Jake
smiled a little. “You’re her obsession. The moment she touched you, she
knew. Do you…can you imagine how horrifying it was for her? To find herself
obsessed like her father? How far does that apple fall, Michael? Does it become
the tree? You are a man who went through six fiancées, barely noticing them.
How does she take a chance that she will be her ‘father’ in this
relationship, always feeling she loves more, obsessed and paranoid that you will
forget to notice or leave? A man that uses prenuptial agreements as a token of
fidelity? A prenuptial agreement implies an end, not a beginning. If she
didn’t have an anxiety attack, I’d be more worried. She’s cautious. She
has a reason to be. Everyone always told her she was just like her father. Until
she met you, she had a slim hope that wouldn’t be true.”
Michael
looked at Jake. “How? How do I….” Michael struggled for the words.
“Fix
her?” Jake asked softly. Michael nodded. “You don’t. She’s not broken.
Maria has completed her therapy. She found a calmness in her life. Acceptance.
There is only so much anyone can do to change this, but for the rest of her life
her father will have always killed her mother, and then himself. That is a fact.
Tragic. Harsh. True.”
“Then
why am I here?”
Jake
indicated the sofa. “Tess sent you here for yourself. Now you need to learn to
deal with the reality of Maria’s past. Maria can’t help you do it. She will
not openly relive this time, not even for you. She is past that now. You are the
one who is feeling it like an open wound, not her. She lives with the sadness,
and she goes on. She’ll never be that lawyer again, because that day, her life
changed, and that situation stopped being her life.”
“I
don’t know if I can.” Michael looked away. “I feel…” Closing his eyes,
Michael leaned back against the sofa. “I don’t know what I feel. Sad?
Overwhelmed. Horrified. I want to….take it away. Erase it from her memory.
Children shouldn’t have to live in their parents’ lives. They’re supposed
to be safe. Protected.”
“Tell
me, Michael. How do you see a family? Parents? What are they to you?” Jake
started a tape player. “Tell me about your parents.”
~~~
Tess
was waiting outside for him when he left the office. He didn’t see her at
first. His mind was back in that room. So much. Too much. He felt…relieved. It
was hard to say why. Maybe because he didn’t feel the burden of carrying it
all alone, or maybe because in finding the truth about Maria, he found a truth
about himself? Jake told him not to tell Maria that he knew. To allow her to
find a way to tell him in her time and her way. Her space.
“Are
you okay?”
Michael
stopped next to her and leaned against the wall. “No. I don’t think so.”
Michael looked at Tess. “When I met Maria…before I met her, I was so adept
at keeping people on the outside. Now….I don’t know. I think my heart’s
been ripped open.”
Tess
touched him on his chest. “It’s okay. It gets better. I promise you.”
“Does
it?”
Tess
nodded. Leaning against the wall. “Now you know why even I can’t talk about
it. Amy DeLuca was the only mother I ever knew. That day…” Tess breathed
hard. Tears flooded her eyes. “It was something so horrific. I couldn’t
remember it as anything more than police sirens, lights, crying and this rushing
sound in my ears for almost a year.”
“You
were there, too?”
“Not
at first.” Tess closed her eyes. “I got my acceptance to medical school here
in
Michael
stared stony faced ahead listening. Not wanting to, but not knowing how to stop.
He opened that Pandora’s box. He looked into a place that had been clearly
marked off limits. “You went downstairs. Next door.”
“Yes.”
Tess said in a soft hush voice. “Maria had found them. They were in the front
living room. She must have tried to wake her mother. There was blood all over
her. She had stepped back, and she stood there frozen. Not a sound. Her whole
body was shaking. Shock. It was shock. She was screaming. In her head. I could
almost hear it. Amazing how loud a silent scream can be.” Tess licked her
lips. “She….Maria was always so firm. So sure of everything. Her whole life
was like a roadmap created at her birth. That moment, that day shattered the
map. She…” Tess couldn’t go on. “We don’t talk about it. Not because
we can’t, but because we don’t want to lose them again.”
“I’m
sorry.”
Tess
sighed taking Michael’s hand in hers. “Why do you think I kicked you in the
crotch? I knew. I knew this day would come. That you wouldn’t go away, and you
would have to know. I was in denial. Desperate to have this day never come. I
don’t deal well with defeat.”
“So
Kyle tells me.”
Tess
laughed. “He likes his way.”
“So
do you.”
“Yes.
That is a bone of contention between us. A good one. It doesn’t do well to
become complacent.”
Michael
laughed at that. “No, it doesn’t.” Kissing Tess’s cheek, he squeezed her
hand and went to leave. “Don’t worry, Tess. It’ll be okay.”
“You
think so?” Michael nodded. “How can you know that?”
Michael
thought about it for a second. How did he know? “Maria. From that first
moment. I kissed her, and my heart stopped. I could barely breathe. It
was…I...,” Michael paused frowning desperate to find the words.
“You...?”
“I
knew.”
“Knew
what?”
Michael
laughed at himself suddenly. “That I never wanted to stop. Kissing her. That
never happened before, so you could’ve kicked my balls off my body. I
would’ve still come back.” Tess smiled. Hell, like she didn’t know that.
“There
is definitely more to you than meets the eye, Michael Guerin. I’m glad I got
to take more than one look.” Tess was charmed by the way he scratched above
his eyebrow, and the slight color moving up his neck. Amazing that a man that
made so much noise of the carnal persuasion in her home could be embarrassed by
this. “Where are you going?”
“I
have someone I need to talk to.”
~~~
“Michael?”
“Hi.
Can I come in?”
Serena
stood back from the door, and let Michael into the house. “Jim’s not here,
honey. He took the girls shopping. They’ve redecorated their rooms three
times.”
Michael
nodded. “How are they?”
“Adjusting.
They weren’t too thrilled with the move from their old school, until they
discovered this school was co-ed. Now it’s getting better. Watching Jim trying
to convince them they’re too young to date is…loud.”
“I
bet.” Michael sat down across from his mother. “Actually I came to talk to
you.”
Serena
was startled. That wasn’t something she expected to hear from Michael. Sitting
back, she took one of his hands and held it. “Okay, so let’s talk. I’m
here.”
Michael
took a deep breath and began from the beginning. It was a long story. Lots of
things that bothered him from his childhood to Maria’s. It was too much to
handle alone, and though Serena had never been there for him, maybe she could
understand how much hearing how Maria lost her parents would affect him. Time.
It was a solemn soldier, waging a war against the living as it counted down a
tempering beat. He had lost so much time. They had. One day, he might wake up
and time would be up. What did he do with that? Maybe it wasn’t how long you
have, but how you chose to use what time you did have. He didn’t know. Maybe
Serena did.
Michael
heard Jim’s car in the drive, and he stood up. “Thanks, Mom.” Bending
down, he quickly kissed her cheek and left. Stopping outside he exchanged a few
words with Jim, and let his sisters show him their purchases. Promising to think
about taking them to a concert, that he knew he was going to pawn off on Kyle,
he went home to Maria.
Jim
entered the house, uncertain of what he would find. Serena didn’t always fare
well with her run-ins with her son. Michael wasn’t a very flexible person. Jim
sighed when he saw tears on Serena’s cheek.
“Are
you okay? What did he say?” Jim was ready for the worse.
Serena
wiped the tears from her cheek and gave Jim a watery smile. “He called me
Mom.”