Be Still My Heart

Author: Noelle
Feedback: delfinomarino@gmx.net First fanfic. Please, tell me what you think.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own any of these characters.
Pairing: Max & Liz
Summary: Here's my interpretation of how Liz must felt after she heard what she heard at the end of season 1.
Dedication: To all of you who loved and lost!
Special ded: To my Sister Slayer who is meritorious for this attempt. ShadyKat, I The bow.
Extra ded: To Meg whose kindness helps me to send this fic.

Destiny. We all have our destiny. Max, Michael, Maria, Isabel, Alex…well, me.
What is my destiny? I just heard Max's.
Oh God, it hurts! It hurts so much!
So, Max is the leader of his people. He has his young bride. I can't stand in the way of it, can I? Liz always does what is right. 'Till when? 'Till dirt overlay me?
How can I cope with this? How can I appease this pain?
Please, be still my heart.

September 23rd . Journal entry one.
I could feel everything he was feeling. I could feel his loneliness. For the first time I was really seeing Max Evans. I saw me, as he saw me, and the amazing thing was, in his eyes, I was beautiful.
Max Evans has put a force in me. It's like my whole life changed in an instant.
It's just so ironic that when something like this finally happened to me, it was with an alien.

I wish he didn't save my life. No, wait! Everything that I have in my life, every single memory, every single happy moment, all my friends, even Maria and Alex I would give away for the wish I didn't hear what I heard today.

Maybe this is just a dream. Maybe everything that happened is just a dream. It would be easier for me to cope with this hurt if I know that in a few seconds I would be awake and realize that Max Evans isn't in love with me, and most important, he is not an alien.
But, even Liz Parker doesn't have that kind of imagination.

"Go away Max. I don't think we have anything to say to each other. Unfortunately, I heard what I needed to hear. It's just not meant to be, you know, you and me! Please go, don't make it even harder."

"Go away!", she screams. " I don't want to see you anymore! I can't look at you anymore! Don't you understand anything? I don't want to see you ever, please Max, go!"

What are you trying to do Liz Parker? Do you think that you have enough strength to whip off Max Evans? I know that I am going to hurt myself. I am already hurting.
You can understand this feeling only if you loved someone the way you could extinguish yourself by your own feelings.

I have a hole in my heart. Max didn't fix it. He opened it wider.
One day it will be only a scar, but the scar that will always itch.
I don't think there will be anything left of my heart to heal.

It's October 19th. I'm Liz Parker and this is what I've been thinking.
Can life ever go back to normal?
Part of me wants safety, wants to go back to how things were, to a life that I could predict, where I know how life is going to be. And the other part of me wants to go somewhere into the unknown.

Oh my God! This is the day my granny died.
I remember her telling me: "Promise me one thing, that you'll follow your heart wherever it takes you. Trust it."
Oh, granny, if you only knew.

The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention, that sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldn't be, places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring, and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending.
And that's not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal and you go into the unknown.
And once you do, you can never go back.

I knew even then that she was right.
That was the first time that I hugged Max. I was so sad that I wasn't even thinking that MAX was hugging me. I don't even remember how it felt.
The morning after, when my thoughts found their way back, I would've given everything precious to me to have that hug again.

October 25th. It's funny how the world changes sometimes, how the streets you walked your entire life seem darker, colder. How the silence isn't so quiet anymore. How eyes you've barely even noticed now look at nothing but you. How the walks home every night is no longer routine, but a victory. And then you begin to wonder…maybe it's not the world that's changed…maybe it's just you.

I think I'll go for a walk
Maybe out in the rain
Maybe there'll be tears rolling down my face
And I'd feel the pain
Maybe think about something
Maybe think about you…

October 28th. I've missed a few days. But in my absence I've been thinking about some things, about life before Max Evans saved me. Oh how I used to pray for something to happen, something to just break the routine, you know, of school and work…something that would a small town feel bigger, that would make a small town girl feel bigger, too. And ever since I got my wish and Max Evans patched a bullet hole 2 inches below my ribs I realized one thing…that the bigger your world gets, the bigger your problems get, too.

My world is so small. It's smaller than it has ever been: just Max! He has become my entire world. The reason I wake up in the morning, I brush my hair, I eat, I smile, I love every day and night, why I look at the stars in the different way, why I love the rain, why I feel my heart for the first time…

How did I live before Max? How can I go back and live my life like I didn't feel love?
Why…why…why am I like this? I thought that I am the mind person and that nothing could ever change that.
How am I going to sleep tonight? How am I going to sleep ever?
Pain. I can't sleep.

November 24th. Have you ever had a moment when you're with the one person in the world you want to be with and the wind is blowing through your hair, and the song that just describes your entire soul happens to come on… and then, the person that you want to be with happens to love the same song… and suddenly you realize you're listening to it together? And that no matter how crazy your life has gotten there's this one moment...this perfect moment...where you could just say that no matter what happens, nothing can take this moment away from me...
And then, something does.

Moments. It's amazing how one can just change things so radically. How a wild horse deciding to cross the road at that exact time could be responsible for Max being discovered. I need one more moment now. One more chance to change direction, to stop something bad from turning into something worse.

Oh, yeah, a horse. He appeared in the road from nowhere.
Max tried to avoid hitting the horse and the jeep crashed into some bushes on the side of the road. Max hit his head against the steering wheel and he wasn't moving.
Was I ever scared more? The thing I asked Alex to do…I don't think I would ask him to do something like that even for me. Does it means that I love Max even more than myself?
Do I need to ask myself that question?

December 15th. There are days when everything seems wrong, when little things just irk you for no good reason. And then, there are days like today when the whole world just sings to you from the minute you open your eyes in the morning, 'till the minute you shut them again at night... days when you actually enjoy cleaning the milk shake machine.

The morning after our first kiss. Sweet morning. From the moment I opened my eyes 'till the moment I went to sleep…I was smiling…I was smiling…
Those are the days that are worth living for.

Maria asked me then: "What if they've like ruined it for us with anyone else?"
I know they did…but, still…I would never trade that kiss for anything…

April 17th. Today I saw Max kissing Tess. He just went outside and I was looking through the door of the restaurant…and…he…kissed her…
Afterwards, he told me that he saw things when he kissed her. He had a flash.
I'll give him a flash! God!
I guess I'm not so special after all!
I must have been…