Author: becky   rttavi@aol.com
Rating: PG
Pairing: Liz POV
Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Roswell or the characters of Roswell.
Spoilers: Destiny
Improv #14: Clouds--Fury--Noble--Decadent

~*~


I ache.

I watch them and I ache. I ache for what I could have had if I wouldn't have walked away from it all. I ache for all the times I'll never share with the man standing beside me. It may seem petty of me to think this now, but I can't help it, the feeling never goes away. It gets stronger and no matter what I do to force it down, it roils up through me with the force of a storm. The darkened angry clouds ravage my senses as it takes every bit of self control I have to keep it together. I never want him to see me the way I truly am. I don't want him to see my thoughts. It was too long ago and I'm the only one harboring it.

I didn't walk away, I ran away. I ran away when I heard the truth of something I couldn't control. I couldn't control it with experiments or studies; it was out of my hands. I hated it. I still hate it. It's been five years and it still burns through me everyday as my heart aches.

I watch my friends and I see the happiness on their faces. I see the excitement of a new step in their lives as Maria hands their newborn baby boy to her husband Michael. I feel the tears well up in my eyes as Michael takes his son and kisses his forehead. I know that could have been me and the man beside me, but I chose to run away.

I can barely look at him even though he's inches away from me; I know he can feel my apprehension, but somehow that doesn't matter. As long as he doesn't feel my ache. I cast a sideways glance at him and I'm swelled with fury and it all belongs to me and my decisions. He never told me to run away, he never asked me to leave, that was my choice and I have to live with it. I have to live with it the way I have ever since I ran down that mountain and away from the one person that I could find happiness with.

I watch Maria and Michael and I see Max and myself in their place. Instead of a boy it would have been a girl. A girl with the darkest hair and eyes. A girl that would have proved to this world and all others that we were the ones who were meant to be together. But that will never happen and I'll have to live in the shadows of Maria and Michael and their happiness while jealously seeps out of me like toxic waste.

It was never supposed to be them that ended up happy. They never had a fighting chance for this, but they achieved it while I'm left alone. Alone. Even the man beside me, only here for his best friend as I am for mine, has found happiness and that just makes my ache worsen.

I thought I was being noble when I ran away and left him to his future with Tess. I thought I was making everything right for them by leaving. But I was a fool because it never worked out that way. And now, he's beside me watching new life, but I know his heart is with the woman waiting outside of the house. His wife. She has long dark hair and looks like me, except for those blue eyes. I guess Max got the best of both worlds.

There wasn't anything noble in running away. I felt cheated and stupid; not much has changed since then. I have this ache deep inside of me because I called it there. It'll stay in me until the last breath that I take. It's still stay in my rotting soul because I'm not worthy of love anymore. Not when I look at the man beside me and know he'll never be mine again. Not when I look at the couple in front of me and wish them nothing but pain. It's not nice, but after all that I've been through, I'm not a very nice person anymore. I wish the happiness in the room would get sucked out by a vacuum; then they would know how I feel all the time.

My ache would be theirs as well. They would drum the hands of time and pray for salvation from the ache that is killing me. 

Maria looks over at me and smiles and I want to vomit at her happiness. I want to run away from this and never look back. It sounds decadent, but I don't care anymore. When you having nothing to live for, you quit caring. I quit caring a long time ago. I quit caring when I ran away.

Now all that I'm left with is this insatiable ache.



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