She saw them today. After three long and tiring years of concealing and hiding, she saw them. I had a moment of weakness. I let my guard down. I forgot the importance of keeping them hidden and now I’m to pay the price.

She’s sending me away. Heh, I don’t care though. I hate this place and every one in it. Her, my school, my so-called friends, this god forsaken hick town. I’ll be glad to get away.

I don’t know where I’m going. No matter what I say she won’t tell me. The cabs coming in a few minutes to take me to the bus station. I’ve packed all my things into one single suitcase. All my messily belongings fit neatly into one teeny suitcase.

I look one last time at my room. The peeling discolored wallpaper that had been here as far back as I can remember looked even more dank and dirty somehow. This room wasn’t my room. I may have slept in it but in some ones room when you look around your supposed to see things that remind you of that person. Tokens from their experiences. Not in mine.

Though I have lived here for 9 years it’s still the same as it was back then. Same orange ugly carpet that smelt of cat urine. Same dilapidated dresser with the broken mirror that if u stood in the right place u could maybe actually see yourself in it. There are no holes from the staples I would have used on posters of my favorite bands. She forbid that. She forbid me from a lot of things but for the most part she forbid me to live.

I can’t help but smile. A true smile, something I haven’t done in years. It felt good to smile. I’m getting out of here and I’m never coming back.

She’s coming down the hall. I can always tell it's her. The way she drags her long fake shiny red nails along the wall gives her away every time. She opens the door and I have to hold my breath to keep from gagging at the smell of whisky and cigars that wafts from her. She leans on the doorframe and smirks at me, showing her yellow, crooked teeth.

“Ya finished packin?” She asks her words cold and harsh.

All I can do is nod my head, afraid to speak. I stand up and grab my suitcase. I turn to her and wait for her to move from the door. Either she didn’t take the hint or she wasn’t letting me by intentionally. She stares at me, her expression blank and unreadable. I can’t help the swell of fear that creeps up my spine. She stares at where they are hidden. Even though my baggy jeans cover them I can't help but self-consciously move my suitcase to cover them. She scoffs at me.

“Your disgusting dear.” She says lovingly and steps towards me. I instinctively want to step back but from experience I know not to. It would only make matters worse. “I’ll be glad when you’re gone. Get you and your filth out of my home.” I want to yell back at her that her ‘home’ was already filthy but I can’t muster up the courage. “I pity the people who are taking you in.” She reaches her hand out and caresses the side of my face. I flinch and hope she doesn’t notice. She does and before I have time to even blink I’m thrown to the floor, the side of my face stinging. Silent tears break free from my strong facade.

I watch frightened as she bends down beside me. She grabs my face roughly in her hand. “You could have been so beautiful.” She says snidely. “Like me… but instead you had to be this worthless ugly thing. Sometimes,” She kneels down still grasping my face, “I wonder if you’re really mine. I ponder how I could ever give birth to such an abomination.” Her words don’t hurt me anymore. I’ve heard them many times. So many that they’ve lost there meaning. All I can concentrate on is the bruises I feel forming under her fingertips. My hatred for this woman intensifies and all I want to do is kill her. Kill her for all the things she’s done to me over the years. She opens her mouth to say something but the sound of a horn outside stops her. She stands up and looks out the window. All I can do is lay there and stare at the ceiling. I feel dead.

“Cabs here.” She says then walks out of the room. I slowly sit up and whimper sadly. I cover my mouth trying to muffle it. I push myself up and brush myself off. I swallow the lump in my throat and walk out of ‘my’ room and close the door. I walk down the cave like hallway and down the stairs. At the bottom I look around for her. She sits in the living room ignoring me. I sigh and walk out the front door. As I walk down the sidewalk a sense of freedom comes over me. I don’t even bother to take in the street I’ve grown up on. I reach the cab and get in not knowing my destinations and not caring. I’m free and that’s all that matters. As the cab slowly gets swallowed into the bustling traffic I pull out my Discman and put on the headphones. I bob my head to the music and for the first time, in such a long time, I’m giggling.

Sighing, I stand in the center of the huge bus station unsure as to what to do. The drive over was quick and painless. The fare prepaid and the driver curt and silent. I listened to my burnt CD loudly in a vain attempt to keep my thoughts on fair ground. I can’t think about what happened or was happening. I can’t, cause if I did… I can’t even bring myself to say it so I quickly change my thoughts. It’s now that the uncertainties of my situation hit me. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. Where do I go from here? What bus am I to take?

The best thing I can think to do is to go to information. I reach into my bag and pull out my winter hat. I pull it on over my headphones keeping them firmly in place. Slowly but surely I trudge up to information and get in line behind a small young family. I keep my head down and shove my hands in my pockets.

The line slowly moves forward. People move about hurriedly but all I can hear is the gorgeous deep voice of Nickel Back’s lead singer pounding in my ears. I feel a pair of eyes staring at me and look up. The tiny 2 or 3 years old girl from the young family stands behind her mother’s leg staring at me with interest. I look at her crudely, more then likely frightening her cause she buries her face in her mothers coat hiding from me. She pokes her head out. I make a face and she giggles. Her mother looks down curtly and shushes the child cautioning her that they were in a public place. I glare at the mother angrily. How dare she stop a child from having a little fun. Is that not what childhood is for? To laugh and have fun? To be carefree and to enjoy the wondrous things around you?

The child looks down sadly and apologizes to her mother. I shake my head and stab knives into the mother with my eyes. I look to the child again, smile sweetly and mouth the words I'm sorry. She grins at me. Out of nowhere the primal need to cry envelops me and I have to gasp for breath. I don’t understand it nor do I want to. I face my back to the little girl and turn up my music effectively blocking out the world for the time being.

Before I know it, it’s my turn. I look up and am greeted by a huge smiling face. If it weren’t for my instincts I would have jumped back in fright. Happy people scare me. No one can be as happy as this blonde looks. I force a smile. Her lips move but nothing comes out. I pull my headphones out from underneath my hat and down around my neck, Runaway by Linkin Park blaring.

“Hi.” The lady says cheerfully. “Welcome to Greyhound, how may I assist you today.” She asks me her voice overly perky. I swear to god if she smiles anymore her face is gonna crack. This thought makes me giggle. Her smile falters a little but she regains it.

“I need help finding a bus.” My voice is raspy and deep. She smiles even bigger.

“Okay then. Where is this bus to?” She asks turning to her computer.

I let out a nervous laugh. “Here’s the thing. I have no idea where I'm going or what bus I’m supposed to take, just that there is one. Does that make sense?”

Her eyebrows furrow and her lips purse. Even then she looks annoyingly in high spirits. She makes a sound that says she’s thinking.

“Ok dear. Give me your full name and I’ll look you up in the computer, see if we have any reservations in your name.” She turns to the computer and waits patiently for me to tell her my name.

I rest my arms on the high counter and lean on them. “Maria.” I watch as she types my name. She looks at me expectantly. “Deluca. D…E…L…U…C…A.” I spell it out for her not caring if she needs me to or not. She finishes typing and then turns to me.

“Maria Alejandra Deluca?” I acknowledge that that’s my name with a curt nod of the head. “Id please?” She asks joyfully. I reach down and grab my wallet chain. I pull my wallet up and dig out my Id card. She takes it and compares the information with what’s on the computer.

“Okay Miss Deluca.” She says turning around and grabbing some pieces of paper. “This is your first bus ticket…”

“Wait first?” I ask confused. “As in more then one bus?”

“Yes, the instructions say that you are to take the 6:30 bus to Baltimore. Once there you are to go to information and pick up another ticket that will take you to Cleveland. From there you are to take another bus to Memphis. Then you are to go to Dallas and from there you will take a final bus to your final destination Roswell, New Mexico.” She informs me cheerfully.

“Roswell? Alien’s-R-Us Roswell?” I asks astonished. Of course mother would send me somewhere preposterous, she was insane.

“That’s what it says. See for yourself.” The lady offers, turning the computer to me.

“No, no its alright. I believe you.” I sigh in frustration. What the heck could there be in Roswell for me? She hands me my ticket. I take it and shove it in my jean pocket. “6:30 right?”

“Yes, gate 12. Which is right there.” She points to the large sign with the number 12 on it.

“Wow, who would have guessed.” I snap, sarcastically. I don’t bother to apologies nor do I thank her instead I storm off in the direction of the door. I plop down in a plastic chair and pull my legs up. In a need for both warmth and some sense of comfort I wrap my arms around them and hug myself. No one else would. My Marvin The Martian watch tells me that it’s only 3. I have three and a half hours to spare and nothing to do. Bored of the burnt CD I have been listening to for the last thirty minutes, I flip through my collection for a new one.

“I may be useless but I have great CD’s.” I joke to myself sadly. I choose my David Usher CD, a CD that greatly reflects my current mood. I pull my head phones back up, I pull my hat over top and rest my head on my knees. My thoughts wonder to my apparent destination. Roswell. What could be in Roswell for me? Even better question who? My mother never spoke of family. No grandparents. No aunts or uncles. No distant cousins. Nothing. I sigh and relax, leaning on my knees completely. My stomach grumbles reminding me that I haven’t eaten a thing in over a day.

“Vending machine here I come.” I mumble as I stand up. Looking around I find one and walked towards it. I stand there and stare at all the salty and sugary foods trying to decide which one will fill me up the most. I have to conserve what little money I have. Choosing a nameless brand of junk food that’d last me at least half a day and drag my feet all the way back to my chair. I curl up again and eat a tiny portion of the fatty food. My stomach graves for more, grumbling at me angrily for depriving it. “You shush.” I speak softly. The three and a half hours passed by slowly. When the time came I got on the bus and sat all the way in the back and curled up. I watch the sun set as we drive out of town.

The worlds a funny place I think. We’re all so desensitized to things such as violence and sex, to the point that the boundaries between fantasy and reality are blurred. Sometimes we forget what it is to be human. Its as if our sole purpose is to go around hurting each other till we either kill ourselves, kill them, die in an accident or, if we’re lucky, from natural causes.

The ways in which we hurt each other is sickening. On this bus I can see some of them. Beside me an old lady with her grandson are both sound asleep but from the moment we left home the old bag berated the boy. No matter what he did she would beat him down with harsh words. I feel for the child and I understand what its like. Mother is… Was like that.

It’s dark now, the sun having set hours ago. I rest my forehead on the cool glass of the window. The stars are missing, the sky covered in dark, angry clouds. It’s gonna rain. I can feel it. Fitting I think. I can feel a storm building inside of me. I'm feeling so many emotions that they’re melding together. If anyone were to ask me what I was feeling I could honestly say I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t like it, it doesn’t feel good. I feel like sobbing long and hard but I can’t. If I were to start now I don’t think I could stop. I can’t remember the last time I cried. I sigh and curl up tightly in my chair. That’s a lie. I do remember. I remember every day. I’ll never forget. Never.

The best course of action is to sleep. I'm not sleepy. I could stay up for days but if I do my mind will wander dangerous places. Places I don’t wanna go. I close my eyes and pray for a good night. A peaceful night.

Someone shaking my shoulder awakes me. My eyes flutter open and I quickly close them the sun blinding me.

“Morning dear.” The voice of the old woman says cheerfully. I grumble and push myself up into a sitting position. Somehow during the night I had spread out over the two chairs, my one leg draping over the back. The sun shines far up in the sky and I look to my watch.

“It’s only 6am! What kinda freak wakes a person up at such a freakish hour!” I grumble. The old lady glares at me like I had offended her. I shake my head and ignore her. “Stupid bitch.” I mumble. My stomach growls. “Breakfast time.” My voice, the closest thing I’ll ever get to a singsong voice. I grab my bag from under the chair and fish out the junk food from the other day. There’s more then half left. I grab a hand full and unceremoniously stuff it into my mouth. The old lady scoffs at my lack of manors and I cant help but turn to her and stick my tongue out at her, giving her a full view of my half chewed food. Her grandson giggles and the old bag turns her head in disgust and horror. I snort, some of the food flies out and hits the old lady on the face. Both the grandson and myself burst out laughing. The old lady looks at us both with distaste, stands up and moves to the bathroom huffing like a bird the hole way.

Shaking my head and laughing I turn back to look out the window. The grandson sits down beside me. I look to him wirily. He smiles up at me.

“Thank you.” His voice is soft and sweet, suiting his childish face and age.

“What for?”

“You know.” He smiles an all-knowing smile and returns to his seat before the hag returns. My face brakes out in a lopsided grin. The old hag returns and sits down proudly. She never once speaks a word just sends me glares every now and then. The rest of the way to Baltimore I sit and listen to Cd after Cd. I’ll have to buy more batteries soon. When we finally reach the city it’s noon. When we get to the bus station it’s 1pm. I watch the old hag and her grandson whose name I never found out, grab their things. The hag moves to get off the bus. The boy lags behind looking at me. He stands in front of me.

“I’ll never forget this day.” He leans over and kisses my cheek. “Thank you.” The little boy whispers in my ear. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.” He says pulling back. I look down in concentration. What I'm looking for?? What does he mean by that? I look up and he’s gone. I look around for him but he’s no where in sight. Sighing I grab my own things and head off the bus. This bus station is smaller then the one back home. I find the information desk easily. This time I'm saved the torture of having to deal with an overly happy clerk and I quickly find myself on my way to Cleveland a new set o batteries in hand.

Two days, 3 bus changes, 4 bags of junk food, and at least 30 Cd changes later I am finally on my last bus to Roswell. I haven’t really slept much, the boy’s words still ringing in my ears. What did he mean buy what he said? I groan, I'm not getting anywhere with this train of thought. I’ve spent the last two days on that subject without result. I give up and look out the window. The New Mexico desert surrounds us. Even with the AC on I can feel the heat from the sun. That uncomfortable sweaty feeling engulfs me. I’m leaving one hell for another. My dreams and fantasy of freedom vanish with every bead of sweat that trickles down forehead. I know that I'm overreacting. I’ll get used to the heat and maybe come to like it but at the moment I detest it. I detest this whole situation.

I remove my headphone and get ready to change Cd’s. I hear a muffled whisper from a young man sitting in front of me that we were on the outskirts of town. My stomach comes alive with butterflies. What if I don’t like it? What if I don’t like the family I'm placed with? What if they don’t like me? What if I’m not even placed with a family but some kinda safe house? What if the kids at school don’t like me? So many what ifs rise and fall, my mind on overdrive. I grab my P.O.D Cd and shove it in yearning for some kind of distraction. I turn it up loudly and fumble nervously with the sleeves of my shirt.

We pass by The “Welcome To Roswell” sign and I have to laugh at the little green alien on it. I completely forgot that this was alien country. “Wonder if I’ll meet one?” I mumble to myself. I snicker and my body relaxes a little.

I step off the bus, my suitcase in hand, and look around. This bus station is small, fitting for the size of Roswell. The person behind me tells me to move rudely. I turn and give him the finger then stalk off into the bus station. I look around the tiny little bus station for the information desk. I see it and step in line. Soon it’s my turn. I ask a nice old man if there are any messages for me? He checks then shakes his head.

“What? Are you sure?” He double checks then nods. “But…what…” my mouth opens and closes my mind trying to grasp what was going on.

“I’m sorry miss. Is there anyone I can call to come and get you?” I shake my head, still in shock. “Can I call you a cab?” I turn away from him and walk away blindly, my shoulders slumped. He calls after me but I ignore him. What am I supposed to do now? Realization dawns on me.

“Mother.” I seethe. My body shakes with anger. Tears build up. “I should have expected this.” I mumble, my voice drenched in pain. “She sends me half way across the country to nothing.”

“It might not be New York but it’s not nothing.” A gentle voice resounds from behind me.

“Look asshole, my mood is, if possible, less then shitty. So back the hell off!” I curse not bothering to turn around. I know I'm being unreasonable. Before I can turn and apologize to the stranger he speaks up.

“When she said you were from New York I figured you’d have a slight attitude problem but this,” he trails off and my anger flares up again. I snap around. The look on my face lethal.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” My build up emotion pours out of me. He takes a step back, his hands shoot up. I step closer, getting in his face. “Who do you think you are goin round butting into other peoples business? You don’t even know me.”

“You are Maria right?” He asks his voice slightly high pitched. My eyes widen and I step back.

“Who are you? How do you know my name?”

“I'm Alex. Amy, your aunt, sent me to pick you up.”

I look at him cryptically. He’s a scrawny teenager, probably 16 or 17 years old. His hair is dark and spiky. He has on a button up shirt in a funky bright orange and a baggy pair of jeans with a wallet chain much like my own. He didn’t look dangerous or threatening.

“I'm sorry.” I don’t bother excusing my behavior, I don’t know him and I don’t need to justify myself to him.

He smiles a genuine smile, “It’s okay. Surprisingly enough this isn’t the first time I’ve been jumped by a beautiful woman.” His smile is infectious and I soon find myself smiling with him. “So… we should get going.” He turns around and heads for the parking lot. I hesitate. He turns to me. “You coming?”

“Mother never said anything about an aunt.”

“Amy never said anything about a niece, till today that is,” He looks around. “ Look I know that you don’t know me and have no reason to trust me but trust this... I am far more afraid of you then you are of me.” I let out a tiny snort of laughter. “It’s gonna rain, so unless you wanna get a cold we should go.” I look up and sure enough dark clouds are slowly creeping over the small city.

“How do I know you’re really who you say you are and not some psycho, homicidal maniac who’s gonna kidnap me, rape me then leave me out in the desert for the wolves to feed on?” I ask completely serious. He seems to think I'm joking and starts to chuckle. I glare at him. He looks up and sobers.

“You’re serious?” I nod my head. “Ummm…” He thinks for a second. “Oh here!” He passes me the piece of paper from his pocket. I take it suspiciously and turn it over. It’s a picture of me when I was 12. There’s a sparkle in my eyes that throws me off. I haven’t had a sparkle in a long time. “Where’d u get this?” I look up at him.

“Amy gave it to me so I’d recognize you.”

“Where’d…” My voice cracks and I blush with embarrassment. “Where’d she get it?”

“I dunno, look I know that’s not much but we really should go before its rains.” I watch him pull his collar up trying to keep warm. It’s now that I notice how cold it is and I shiver. Alex notices and offers his coat. I consider accepting it but wave him off. He frowns.

“Where’s your truck?” He grins and tells me to follow him. We walk around the small bus station to the parking lot. I follow him to his truck, a tiny orange thing, the color matching his top. He unlocks the passenger door and surprisingly opens the door for me.

“What? Never had your door opened for you before?” he asks noticing my look of disbelief.

“Not really.” I say climbing in.

“Well there’s a first for everything.” He grins and closes the door. I buckle up while he rounds the front of the truck. He gets in and starts it. We pull out of the parking lot. After a few minutes of silence I speak up.

“I'm not from New York.”

“What?”

“Well not the city anyway though I did go to school there. I lived in a small 5000 population town just outside of New York.” I explain for no other reason but to fill the silence.

“Oh… Amy said New York so I figured the city.” His eyes never leave the road in front of him.

“Are you her son?” I ask my voice filled with hope.

He chuckles “No, no. Amy doesn’t have kid and before you ask she isn’t married.”

I nod my head and lean up against the window. “Why’d she send you instead of coming herself?”

“You’re just full of questions aren’t you? She runs a popular local restaurant called the Crashdown. Work tied her up and I happened to be there at the time so she sent me.” I nod my head. I watch the first raindrops hit the window. “So… Why are you here?” I stiffen and like many times before subconsciously cover them with the suitcase.

“Amy didn’t tell you?” I don’t look at him, continuing to look out the window.

“Nope, like I said before, we didn’t even know you were coming till she asked me today to pick you up.”

“We?” I ask hoping to dodge the former question.

“My friends and I. Some of us work at the Crashdown so we all just sorta hang around a lot. Amy’s kinda like our second mom.” He muses and even though I can’t see him I can tell he’s grinning.

“She sounds like a nice lady.”

“She is.” Were silent the rest of the way. He drives for almost 10 more minutes before calling to me. “There it is.” I look up and laugh at the sight of a half space ship sticking out of the front of a two-story brick building. In large blue florescent lights, the name of the place shines. It looks oddly quaint and warm. A place worth coming back to time and time again. Alex pulls into the alley beside the building and drives to the back. He pulls up behind the building and parks. He shuts off the truck and turns to me. “Lets go.”

I get out and we both rush to the building trying not to get too wet. I follow him in through the back way. We enter a tiny room that is distinctly the break room. On the back wall is a large couch for lounging in, before and after shifts. To the left it is a staircase that leads upstairs. Beside them is a sink and the door to the kitchen. Adjacent to that is another door, with a tiny diamond window on it. Through the window I can see the restaurant bustling with customers. To the left of that is a series of small lockers probably for the waitresses and the cook. The walls were brick, insulators not really needed with the climate being so warm in Roswell.

Alex turns to me. “Your room’s this way.” He says then takes the stairs two steps at a time. I follow slowly.

“She lives above the restaurant?” I call up to him.

“Yep and now so do you. You’ll love it. The room you’re getting has this great balcony and a bathroom all to your self.”

“Sweet.” My voice remains monotone. He turns a corner and I lose sight of him. When I reach the tops he’s no were to be seen. I frown. He pokes his head of an open door down a hall.

“This way.” He says still grinning. I trudge after him. I stop in my tracks at the doorway of my new room. In front of me is a huge king size bed with red silk linens.

“Silk?” I whisper in shock. I step towards the bed and run my hand along the fabric. I close my eyes enjoying the sensation. To my right is a brick wall with a tiny window that leads out onto the balcony Alex had raved about. The wall in front of me is brick too and up against the brick wall is this magnificent mahogany vanity. “I’ve never had a vanity before.” I tell Alex sadly. Alex just smiles and watches me take in the room. In the corner on the same wall as the bed is the bathroom. “Please don’t tell me there’s a bath tub in there.”

“Yep, one of those deep porcelain tubs.”

I shake my head, “I can’t accept this. It’s too much.” I turn to Alex who looks at me confused. “The silk, the tub…its too much for me, I don’t deserve all this.”

“Of course you do…” Both Alex and myself look to the door in surprise. I gasp at the woman standing there. She looks almost just like mother. Her hair color, her height, build, everything but her face. Hers was friendlier, gentler.

“I can’t take this room.” My mouth finds the words to speak before my head.

“Yes you can and you will. Ah,” She stops me from protesting. “You will.” She says sternly, “if only to make an aging woman happy.”

Alex scoffs. “Amy, you are not old, you’re barely 40.”

“I'm also not young.” She counters.

“But you’re not old.”

“Alex?”

“Yes Amy?”

“Go downstairs and help out in the kitchen.”

“Yes Amy.” He smiles at me, “It was nice meeting you.” For some reason I don’t want him to go. Even though I don’t know him I’d feel better with him here. For the first time in a long time I wanted to cling to somebody. As if it were visible in my eyes he gives me a tender reassuring smile. “She doesn’t bite…much, OUCH!” he cries out as Amy hits his shoulder lightly. I stiffen, images of mother hitting, flash before my eyes. I really don’t want Alex to leave now. I know that Amy is not Mother. Somewhere I know this but her resemblance to Mother frightens me. I have to be strong though. I can’t let it get to me. I watch painfully as Alex leaves complaining quietly. Amy turns to me and I want to step back. I want to run and hide. She doesn’t notice and sits down on the bed.

“So… how was your trip?” She asks looking at me gently.

“It was…long.” I state emotionlessly. I look everywhere but at her. I see her frown out of the corner of my eye. She sighs.

“Make yourself at home, you can come down for dinner whenever you feel like it. I'm pretty sure the others are dying to meet you.” I just nod me head. She opens her mouth to say something but decided against it letting out a breath of air. She turns to leave but turns back around. “I don’t expect you to warm up to me too quickly or to this town. I just ask that you try. ” She says softly then leaves. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and walk over to the bed. I fall into it and let out a groan of pleasure. The mattress is soft and fluffy. So much for hell. I think to myself and giggle. I curl up and close my eyes. I fall asleep with the thought that maybe things were looking up for once. That maybe I could live a normal life.

I push open the front door violently. I storm upstairs cursing, not caring if the door closes or not. I slam the door to my room and shut it with a grunt of frustration. I want to cry but I cant. I want to curl up and die but I can’t. I can’t let those stupid pricks at school push me over the edge. God I need to cry, I need to stop feeling. I need to numb my anger. Numb my pain. I chant inside my head. I stand in the center of my room my face blank but my eyes screaming my hidden pain. I look at the top drawer of my broken down dresser knowingly. I don’t want to but I have to. I have to stop feeling. I move one foot at a time, taking a shaky breath with each step. My breathing is labored by the time I reach my destination. My knees buckle underneath me and I fall to the floor. My clothed knees press into the disgusting, urine stains carpet. The smell seeping into my clothes staining them. With a shaky hand I reach up and pull open the drawer. My hand dips inside and I grab what I'm searching for. I drop my arm numbly my hand gripping my treasure. My whole body is shaking now and I can’t help it.

I turn my hand around. My fingers are white from gripping my treasure so tightly. I watch entranced as a tiny pool of crimson seeps from underneath my finger. I release my grip gently and unfold my fingers. There lying in my hand, in a pool of blood, is a tiny pocket knife. My salvation. I lick my lips and fall back onto my butt. With shaky hands I pull my sleeve up. I ignore the vicious scars that mar my pale flesh. I slide the fabric up past my elbow and bring the tiny blade down to my skin.

“Don’t wanna feel no more…” I whisper to myself my voice filled with angst. I take a deep breath as I push the blade into my skin. I flinch as the metal pierces my skin. The tears that wouldn’t come before do now as I drag the blade along my tender skin. I drag it slowly and painfully towards my elbow, slowly I replace the emotional pain with the physical. My body shakes even more violently. I start to sob pushing harder, digging deeper thriving for the numbness that would come next. The pain becomes too much and I angrily toss the pocketknife across the room. I slide backwards on my floor and bump it to my bed. I watch the crimson liquid trickle down my arm mirroring the tears that were now streaming down my face. I grab an old dirty towel that’s lying near me and instead of compressing the wound I place the towel under my arm so the blood won’t drip onto my clothes.

I stare at the peeling wallpaper blankly swaying back and forth. My salvation consumes me and for the next hour I sit here numb and unfeeling.

//End Flash//

I take a gasp for air waking from the dream. I sit up and let out a shaky breath at the memory that had come flooding back to me. I squeeze my eyes shut in a futile attempt to stop the tears. My shoulders start to shake with my sobs. I pull my knees up and hold myself rocking back and forth. I let out a heart wrenching sob and quickly cover my mouth. I pray that no one herd me. My hands fumble with anything and everything. I subconsciously hum a song to myself. I don’t know the song but humming it brings me slight comfort. I'm sure if someone were to walk in right now they would think I was insane. In some respects I think I might be.

The urge to cut hits me like a fire truck on high speed. So much so that I physically lurch forward. I shake my head violently. I can’t do it. I can’t. I just want the pain to stop. I want it all to stop. In fast jerky motions I grab my bag off the floor from the side of the bed. I put it in front of me and dig around for something, anything, to numb me. My fingers come in contact with the small pocketknife. I pull it out quickly and shove my bag of the bed. With every tear I let out a tiny whimper. This time I pull up the left sleeve of my favorite longed sleeve baseball t-shirt. There aren’t as many scars as my other arm. I grip the pocketknife tightly trying to stop my hand from shaking. Slowly and unsteadily I bring the blade closer. Before the blade comes into contact with my skin there’s a loud knock at my door. I stiffen and another memory hits me.

//Flash//

I toss and turn in bed, whimpering.

“No…” I mumble. I jerk to the side. “Please no…” my voice cracks. I jerk to the side again this time more violently. “Oh god please no. Stop! Please! Noooooo!” I shoot out of bed. My clothes stick to my sweat covered body. The nightmare had been so real. My shoulders shake with silent sobs. “Mommy…” I whisper in a tiny frightened voice knowing mother would not come. She never came. At the thought I cry even harder. My vision blurs with unshed tears. I gasp for air between every sob. It’s too much for me. I can’t handle the tears. I can’t handle the pain. I look around my room for my precious bag. I spot it leaning up again the wall beside my vanity. I slip out of bed and onto the dirty floor. I crawl over to my vanity. Sobbing, I grab my bag and empty its contents. My movements are hurried and almost violent. I want it to stop so badly. I find the object I am looking for and collapse onto the wall. I stare at the green lighter in my hand and grin through my tears. It takes me three tries to light it. Fire erupts from the tiny thing. I stare at the flame. The tears in my eyes cause the image to distort. I wait for the metal to heat. With my free hand I manage to pull down my pajama pants a little bit to expose enough flesh. I let go and slowly bring the extremely hot metal to my skin. I press it down hard and I have to bite my cheek to keep from screaming. I subconsciously try to take my leg away from the heat but I wont let me. My skin burns and I can feel the metal start to cool. It’s now that my infamous mother, who on so many occasions chose to ignore my cries, opens my door to check on me. I let out a cry and try to cover my leg in time but I could tell it was too late.

I stand up quickly and turn to look at her. She stand there in her slutly, ripped lingerie with a disgusted look on her face.

“What the hell are you doing!” She shrieks. I try to say something but the words won’t come. Instead I pull my pants up trying to hide what I had done. Her eyes flare and she storms towards me. Against all that I’ve learned from living with her the pasts 9 years, I step back in fear. She grabs my arm in pulls me back. “What have you been up to?!” With her free hand she grips the hem of my pants. Her nails scratch my tender skin and I cry out in pain. She rips my pants exposing the pink swelling welt I had just created along with four others just like it but healed. She stares at them. Her face softens and for a brief second I think she might feel pity for me. Those thoughts are shoved from my mind as she shoves me against the wall.

“Look what you’ve done to yourself! You freak! What the hells the matter with you!” She cries shoving me harder into the wall. I don’t even try to speak. I take the abuse in stride. “I asked you a fuking question!” She screams and by the arm tosses me to the ground. “Look what you’ve done to yourself!” She says standing over me. “I always knew marring you off would be hard but now,” She pauses reaching down and pulling me back up. “How can anyone love you now?” I stare up at her trying desperately not to cry. “No man will ever you love you Maria. You’re a sick, nasty, broken little bytch. I can’t even stand to look at you.” She tosses me to my bed twisting my arm a little. “I will not have a freak like you living under my roof.”

“What? What do you mean?” I finally find the courage to speak. My voice is small and weak.

“I never should have taken you in when your father died. I should have just left you with social services or better yet sold you to a brothel in Pakistan. I would now but no one would pay two cents for you. Not even the most desperate, ugly pig of a man. Pack your things.” She says turning to leave. “I'm getting ride of you once and for all”

She closes the door and everything she said slowly starts to sink in. I let out a whimper and bury my face in my pillow.

//End Flash//

“Maria? You awake?” Alex’s gentle voice breaks me out of my reverie. I wipe away the newly shed tears quickly. “Maria?” He calls a little louder. I look to the door. Then back at the pocketknife. With shaky hands I shove it under my pillow and get up out of bed. It wasn’t worth it.

“Ya I'm up but don’t come in I'm changing!” I call back to him. I here his muffled ok and grab my suitcase. I open it up and choose from my limited collection of long sleeved shirt. I grab a black sleeved baseball t-shirt, tear off the blue one quickly and pull on the other just as fast. I pull my hair back into a ponytail and grab my bag in desperate need of a smoke.

“You done yet?” Alex asks and I look around. My attention drifts to the silk blanket lying on the floor beside the bed. It hadn’t felt right using them so I had tossed them aside and slept without. I grab my pack of smokes then ram them into my back pocket. I pick up the silk blanket and make the bed. I then proceed to mess it up. Satisfied with my work I grab the smokes out of my pocket. I place one in my mouth my hands annoyingly are still shaking. I go to light it but think twice. I look to the balcony. I walk over and pull up the window. I climb through headfirst. I stand and gasp. Alex was right, this was an amazing balcony. It had to be 3 maybe 4 meters by 3 maybe 4 meters. It had two lounge chairs, a few plants here and there and a nice view of the street. I walk over to the stone ledge and sit on top. I turn around and hang my legs over the side. I here Alex call to me again.

“You can come in now.” I call back finally lighting the smoke. I take a long deep drag and as I let it out I groan of pleasure.

“Where are you?”

“Out here.” I call back to him taking another drag. I hear Alex climb out the window.

“Watcha doin out here?” He asks coming to stand next to me. I pull the smoke out of my mouth and show it to him. “Oh.”

“Figured Amy wouldn’t appreciate me smoking in her house.”

“You figured right. She’s an avid non smoker.” Alex informs me. I can feel his eyes on me. Watching my hands shake as I take long drag after long drag. With each drag my head gets light and I slowly feel myself relaxing. “Did u have a nice nap?” He asks turning to lean on the ledge.

I don’t bother answering taking another drag. “Time?”

“Ummm,” Alex looks at his watch, “9:30 well 9:32 but what’s a few minutes?” he chuckles.

“A life time.” I answer softly.

“Huh?”

“Nothing. Lets go back inside.” I suggest taking one last drag and tossing it down into the alley.

“Ok.” He looks at me skeptically. “The others are dying to meet you.” I nod my head and get off the ledge. I turn to him and smile. He frowns and looks at me with concern. “Have you been crying?”

“No.” I state simply and crawl back into the house. He follows suit and leads the way downstairs.

I watch the back of Alex’s head as it bounces up and down with each step he takes. I clench my fists in a vain attempt to stop them from shaking. My upper body quivers with every breath I take. I hate this. I hate not being able to control my feelings. I know Alex suspects something when he turns to look at me after I sniff for the hundredth time. He looks up at me with such concern. I can’t look him in the eyes. I have to bite my bottom lip to keep from crying. I stare up at the high ceiling and let out a tiny whimper. I feel Alex take my shaky hand in his and surprise myself when I don’t pull away. He squeezes my hand warmly but I still can’t look at him. He probably thinks I'm nuts. That I'm a suicidal head case. Out of the corner of my eye I watch him turn around and descend the stairs pulling me with him. Instead of pulling me toward the door with the little diamond window that leads to the restaurant he pulls me to the back door. My eyebrows furrow with confusion. What’s he doing?

He opens the door and drags me outside. The rain’s stopped but that intoxicating smell that comes before and after a rain fall is still present. I close my eyes and breath it in, letting out a small moan of contentment. Alex stops and turns to me. I open my eyes and stare at him. The look on his face is one I haven’t had directed at me in a long time. The look of friendship. I feel like crying and running at the same time.

He speaks gently, soothingly. “What’s wrong?” My voice catches in my throat. I don’t know how to respond to his question. He notes my lack of response and sighs. “You don’t have to tell me,” my shoulders slump with relief, “yet.” He adds coyly. I look him in the eyes and I know, that I will tell him someday, but not now and probably not for a very long time. I nod my head in gratitude still not finding my voice. He starts to pull me towards his truck but I stop him.

“Where we going?” My voice is stronger then I expected.

He looks at me, then at the Crashdown. “My place.” He replies.

“Your place? Why?” I ask with a little more distrust in my voice then I intend.

He smiles reassuringly “Don’t worry, I'm not gonna rob you, rape you and then leave you in the desert for the… wolves, was it?” he smirks bringing up my reactions to him at the bus station. I roll my eyes and look at him with a smirk. He smiles back and pulls me to his car. I open the passenger door before he can. He shakes his head then gets in the drivers seat.

Alex slowly drives up the driveway of a small suburban home. The grass is green and well taken care of. In front of the house is a small flowers garden filled with flowers of all kinds. He defiantly didn’t live alone. I think to myself grinning. I get out and follow him inside. I watch as he places his keys on a key rack and takes off his shoes.

“Michael?” he calls startling me. Who’s Michael? His dog? His brother maybe? His roommate? “Michael you home!” he calls again.

“I'm right here doofus!” I jump at the sound of a deep male voice coming from close by. Alex leads us into what looks like the living room. I note that the house is more feminine then I expected. The slight touch of a woman lingering. The first thing I see of this Michael character are his huge bare feet propped up on a coffee table. My eyes trail up his bare and rather hairy legs. For a moment I think he might be sitting there naked but his mid section comes into view as does his blue plaid boxer short and his black worn Metalica shirt. His shoulders are broad and underneath his raggy t-shirt I can just make out the toned definition of his muscular chest. My eyes land on his face and again I am not disappointed. Like the rest of his body, his face is gorgeous and defined. His hair is spiky and looks like he may have just gotten out of bed. The only word that passes through my brain is, yummy.

“Hey.” Alex directs towards Michael. Michael just nods his head in our direction. Alex looks at me then back at Michael. “Maria this is my brother Michael. Michael this is Maria, Amy’s niece.” Again Michael just nods in our direction.

“Rude much?” I mumble under my breath. Michael’s head snaps up ready to defend himself but when his eyes land on me he stops. His mouth closes and he stares at me with such intense eyes. I feel uncomfortable under his stare and shift nervously from foot to foot. Yet I stare back at him not willing to back down from a challenge. His eyes are such a luscious deep brown that if I had the courage, I could lose myself in them. I shake myself out of daydream mode and look away. His eyes remain transfixed on me.

“Hi.” He says sincerely. Mimicking his actions I just nod my head stiffly. Alex coughs.

“Don’t mean to interrupt you psychic conversation here but Maria, you want anything to eat or drink?” we both look to him. I blush in embarrassment and out of the corner of my eye I note that Michael glares at his brother.

“Ummm yeah sure I’ll have anything you’ve got. I'm not picky.” I answer softly. The truth is I just don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be here. To have to have a civilized conversation with people I don’t even know. I shudder and let out a breath.

“Okay, I’ll be right back, why don’t you have a seat, make yourself at home.” He smiles and walks down a hallway, disappearing from sight. I begrudgingly take off my combat boots signifying that sadly I am here to stay. I walk deeper into the living room my feet sinking into the soft carpet. I imagine what it’d feel like with bare feet. The soft fibers slipping between my toes, tickling me. I feel the brother’s eye on me and look up. He quickly turns away going back to staring at the TV. I sit down on the same couch as him but as far away from him as possible. I sigh inside and my mind travels back to earlier. I think about the need for that all encompassing numbness. It was so primal and frightening. That need for the pain to stop. Alex has no idea that he interrupted something. No clue that he saved me from myself. I feel tears build at the back of my eyes. I sniff again and Michael looks at me. I almost think he might ask if I'm alright but he turns back to the hockey game on TV.

I wait patiently for Alex to return and save me. The silence between me and his brother is almost too much to handle. He keeps glancing at me. It’s annoying as hell and makes me very uncomfortable. He probably just thinks I might be an easy fuk. Just like every other man I’ve ever come in contact with. All they ever want from me is my body.

//Flash//

“How can anyone love you now?” I stare up at her trying desperately not to cry. “No man will ever you love you Maria. You’re a sick, nasty, broken little bytch… I should have just left you with social services or better yet sold you to a brothel in Pakistan. I would now but no one would pay two cents for you. Not even the most desperate, ugly pig of a man…”

//Flash//

Mother’s word replay in my mind. All any man has ever wanted from me is my body but when they get it, usually by force, they’re disgusted by what they see. Mother had no idea how true her words were when she said them.

Alex seems to be different though. He treats me nice with no expectations. Even though I feel like I can trust him my paranoia sets in. He’s never once looked at me as if he wanted to jump my bones. Not once given me an odd look. But I can’t help but wonder if on the inside he’s just like everyone else. If in the end he’s going to use me up and toss me aside like the trash that I am.

Before I can consume myself in self pity Alex returns with two apples in his hands. I look up at him my face one of sorrow but not for the reason he thinks. “Sorry.” He apologizes, “it’s all we have.” He gives me a sheepish grin.

I shrug, “S’aight I like fruit.” I take the apple and bite into it hungrily. Alex smiles and moves to sits between me and his brother. As he sits down his leg gently touches mine and I flinch away from him. I'm not sure if he noticed but I hope to god he didn’t. I stare off to the side and keep to myself. I here Alex take a deep breath and I know he’s gearing up to say something.

“I called Amy and let her know you were here.” I nod my head and glance at the TV. “She wants you back by eleven or so.” I nod my head again. I know he’s trying to get a vocal response out of me but I'm just not in to the mood to socialize. He pauses and takes a bite from his apple. “So Maria…” I cringe as his next attempt at small talk commences, “tell me about your self.” I look at him with a raised eyebrow. “I don’t even know your age.” He elaborates.

“I’m 16.” I don’t go on and I know that disappoints him. It’s all I'm good at. Disappointing.

“Me too. Michael’s my twin brother so guess what age he is.” He jokes and I grant him a small smile. “So tell us about you.”

“Could you please take this to another room?” Michael speaks saving me from having to respond to Alex’s up question. “I'm trying to watch the game.”

“It’s a fuking tape Michael.” Alex argues. The swear that leaves him mouth is almost off place. Like such a cruel word shouldn’t come from his lip. Alex grabs the remote and turns the tape and the TV off.

“Hey!” Michael whines. He goes for the remote but Alex tosses it away. Michael glares at Alex. “Your gonna pay for that.”

“Come on man, we have a guest besides I called Tess and she’s bringing the others over to hang out.” Alex responds. Michael stands up getting ready to fetch the remote. More people? Oh god. I can’t handle more people. They’ll try to make me talk and have fun and smile. And they’ll all have this common knowledge thing were they only have to say one word and they all know what it means and then they start to laugh and then I get to feel left out… Oh god not more people.

“What’s your fukin point?” Michael snaps, his voice is crude. “The guys will wanna watch the game with me.”

“Are you nuts?! You’ve already forced them to watch that stupid thing 10 times. Max doesn’t even like sports and he knows all the whole thing play by play. He could probably recite it in his sleep. I heard he does in his nightmares!” Alex stands up his voice rising. Fear rises in me along wit his voice and I try to calm myself. I don’t like it when people argue. Arguing can lead to bad things. I ignore Michael’s reply and the rest of the argument. I push myself up and walk to the door mumbling that I’d show myself out. I slip my feet into my combies but I don’t bother tying them. The two arguing brothers don’t even notice as I slip out the front door and walk down the unfamiliar streets of Roswell. Alone. The way it has been and always will be.

I shiver, the nights cold air nipping at my skin through my clothes. This was hell, I groan. Unbearably hot during the day and freezing cold at night. There’s just no winning. I wrap my arms around my waist and rub my arms for warmth. I'm beginning to think walking out was a bad idea. I take in the unfamiliar streets. I don’t know where I going or what I'm doing. The darkness of the night surrounds me and I can barely see two feet ahead of me. I wander aimlessly. No that’s not true, I admit to myself. I'm lost.

“Great.” I mumble aloud. “Just fuking great.” I sigh in frustration and look around. To my left showcased in lights is a small children’s park. Accepting my fate I walk across the street and slowly into the park, dragging my feet. I collapse into a swing and gently push myself with my feet. I sigh again and reach for my pack of smokes. Two left then I'm going to have to buy a new pack. I smoke too much. I know but I can’t help it. When ever I get emotional whether it be upset or angry my reflex is to grab a smoke. It helps. That lightheaded feeling after taking a long deep drag then the relaxing after affects. It’s better then cutting, I think to myself trying to justify it. And it helps. For a while I am able to withhold the delusion that smoking will keep me from committing the unthinkable but in the end I know I will succumb to the need. With that thought I quickly light the smoke and breath it in.

I lean on one of the chains relaxing, enjoying the nicotine. Each drag I take gets longer and deeper. As I reach the end I take a long drag and breath it in. I hold it there and just stop breathing. I hear footsteps come up behind me. I stiffen and let out the breath I was holding. I toss the smoke bud on the ground in front of me then step on it. The intruder takes the swing next to me. I look over and relax a little.

“Alex is driving around looking for you.” He states simply and pushes off the ground. I nod my head and watch the dark jeaned, leather glad boy swing back and forth. “He’s even got the gang out driving around looking for you.” I look at him incredulously. “Yeah I know I thought the exact same thing… So…why’d you leave?” he asks gently. I don’t answer instead swaying back and forth. “Was it cause of the fight?”

“I don’t know Michael. I guess it had something to do with that but… what do you care anyway?” I mumble reaching for my last smoke.

“It’s called common courtesy. You know that big human flaw where we care for people we don’t even know.” Michael snaps at me. I stare at him with an odd look on my face.

“There’s no such thing.” I snap back looking ahead. “Common courtesy is just a nice way of deluding people into trusting others just so they can use you for what ever reason then toss you aside like yesterdays leftovers.”

“You really believe that?” Michael asks astonished.

I turn to him and glare, “What do you think?”

“That’s sad and way off base… ”

“Whatever!” I stand up not wanting to listen to his speech on the kindness of stranger that I know is about to come. I turn to him, “Look you believe what you want and I believe what I want and you going off into a little condescending speech is not going to change my point of view.”

“Meow, retract the claws, princess.” he barks. My eyes widen.

“Princess? Princess!?” I scoff. I open my mouth to retort to it. “No, you know what? Your not worth a comeback.” I turn to walk away but stop when Michael snorts.

“You probably don’t even have one.”

I turn back to him. “Oh I have hundreds I'm just not going to waist them on you.”

“Uh huh. The best comeback you’ve probably got Princess is, ‘I know you are but what am I.’” He says in a girly voice. I step in front of him so close that his face is practically between my breasts. My smoke long forgotten, slips from my finger tips landing softly on a small hill of sand.

“Look jackass. I didn’t ask to be sent here. I don’t want to be here and I sure as hell don’t want to nor do I have to deal with arrogant comments from spiky haired, pin dicked, punk ass wannabes.” I let it out all in one breath leaving myself breathless. I stare down at him daring him to respond but the look in his eyes shock me. Instead of uncontrollable anger staring up at me his eyes are filled with unadulterated lust. I gasp sharply. I did not expect this. He slowly stands up, my head tilting upwards keeping eye contact. My head tilts till he’s fully standing and I can feel a crick in my neck. His body presses into mine and my breath becomes even more laboured then before. Panic slowly starts to build inside. My eyes widen then close softly when he starts to lean in. my body start to shake and I ignore it. His lips touch mine gently and a spark courses through my body causing the hair on my arms to stand on end. The kiss is soft and gentle. His warm hand grips my elbow gently pulling me closer. He pulls his head back and looks me in the eyes trying to read me.

“Your shaking.” He whispers.

“I know.” My voice is softer then his, barely audible. I take in a shaky breath and step back. “I can’t do this. I'm sorry.” I take another step and turn to walk away. I hear him catch up with me. He steps in front of me.

“If I stepped out of bounds I'm sorry. Its just…you look so beautiful when you get angry that I just can’t help myself.” When the word beautiful roll off his lips, tears spring to my eyes. No ones ever really called me that with out a nasty tone to there voice. “The way your nose flares and wrinkles. And your eyebrows furrow and your lip does this little twitching thing.” I open my mouth to respond but I'm stopped but the sound of a truck pulling up and Alex calling out.

“Maria! Michael! Come on!” I turn my head to were Alex is parked then look back at Michael. Sighing I take off to the truck and hop in the front. Michael soon follows getting in next to me.

“Hey Maria. You ok?” Alex asks putting the car into drive.

“Yeah.” my voice is soft.

“You had me a little worried.”

“Sorry.” I mumble. I can sense Michael staring at me but try profusely to ignore it.

“No I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let the argument get outta hand like that.” Alex apologises.

I think about telling him the real reason as to why I left. That I didn’t want to deal with his friends but I decide against it. “Your forgiven.” I smile to reinforce my statement. We drive the rest of the way to the Crashdown. I watch as Michael slides out of the car and holds the door for me. I keep my head down as I slide out and come to stand next to him. He leans in his lips almost touching my ears. I shiver in excitement. His husky voice whispers a sultry goodbye. I walk past him quickly and get to the backdoor of the Crashdown. Alex calls out a happy goodbye and I wave to him. I open the door and close it behind me. I turn to walk upstairs and standing there waiting for me encased in the shadows is Mother.

My eyes widen and my back stiffens. Fear consumes me. Mother steps towards me and I want so badly to step back, away from her. I know I can’t and stand still waiting for what ever punishment was to come for being late. She steps out of the shadows and my brow furrows. Her face is different. I let out a sigh of relief.

“Are you okay?” Amy asks. I laugh at my self and nod my head.

“You just scared me is all.”

“Sorry.”

I look at her and nod my head. “S’ok.” Silence falls and I look to the stairs.

“The kitchens closed but there is sum leftovers if you wanna help yourself.” I think about it for a second but decide against it. My stomach protests and I ignore it.

“No I think I'm just going to head up to bed.” I feel bad when a look of disappointment crosses her face.

“Oh…okay well sweet dreams then,” I start towards the stairs desperately wanting to get away from her. “Umm tomorrow we have to go to the school to register you so do you want me to wake you up?” I'm half way up the stairs now. I turn to her and shake my head.

“No that’s okay I'm an early riser.”

“Ok…” She smiles and I turn to walk back up but she calls to me. “Maria,” I sigh, rolling my eyes in exasperation. “If there’s ever anything you need, be it night or day, don’t be afraid to come to me.” I nod my head knowing full well that I wouldn’t be going to her for anything.

Groaning I roll over in bed trying desperately to fall back asleep. It’d taken me forever to fall asleep. My mind wouldn’t stop thinking and all I could do for over an hour was stare at the ceiling and hope it would fall down on me putting me out of my misery. When I finally did fall asleep it was somewhere around two a.m.. And here I am, awake and though I haven’t looked at the time yet I know it’s early. The sun hasn’t even started to rise and its still rather dark in my new room. I snuggle deeper into my pillow and lay here for five minutes with my eyes closed till finally I can’t do it anymore. I groan in frustration and roll back over. My eyes pop open and land on the alarm clock beside me bed. The numbers four, three and two flash before me, taunting me.

Sighing, I kick the thin sheet I substituted for the silk, off of me and push myself into a sitting position. Yawning, I stand up and stumble towards the bathroom. I stop before the threshold and stare at the magnificent tub. Alex was right, again. The deep porcelain tub with its bronze clawed legs, sits up against the far wall, invitingly. I picture soaking in it with warm water, bubbles and a little rubber ducky. Smiling at the thought I come to stand in front of the mirror and for the first time in the last couple of days I see my reflection. I grimace at what I see. My hair needs brushing, little strands sticking out here and there. The bags under my eyes are deep and angry. I look horrid, I can’t even stand to look at myself anymore. I sit on the toilet seat and bury my face in my hands.

Why? I ask myself. Why did he kiss me? I can barely to look at myself in mirror yet he stared me in the eyes and dared to kiss me. The only possible explanation is he’s a horny teenage boy who thought he might get some. Well he’s not going to. I can contest to that. That doesn’t explain what he said though. I moan in frustration and lay my head back on the wall. I convince myself he’s just a player. That he was using me but deep inside I know he wasn’t. A little voice tells me he’s not like that but I top it off to wishful thinking. Cause if it were true… I don’t deserve a guy like that.

I stand up and remove my clothes. I don’t dare look in the mirror knowing exactly what I’d see. Same old, disgusting, ugly me. I step into the upright shower next to the tub. Making sure the water is right I wash my body and my hair quickly. In less then 10 minutes I'm out and toweling myself off. I haven’t truly enjoyed a shower in a long time. I used to but now its just a waist of time. Get in, get out and hope no one walks in on me. That’s the way it is now. That’s the way it has to be. I walk into my room in only my underwear and pull on my baggy jeans that lay on the ground. I pull my small suitcase onto the bed and search again through my limited collection of long sleeved shirts. This was going to be a major problem. All I have is long sleeved shirts and with an unrelenting climate like Roswell’s, it’s not going to be pretty. I decide that after getting registered at the High School, I’d dump Amy and head to the mall in search of thin long sleeved shirts. And if all else fails I guess I'm just going to have to deal with the heat.

I pull out a black shirt with personally cut holes on the shoulders and on the ends of the sleeves for my thumbs to go into. I look in the vanity mirror making sure nothing is poking out and could be seen. Happy that for the moment I am safe from skepticism I seek out my pack of smokes. I find the empty pack wedged under the bed.

“I could have sworn…” I trail off remembering the night before. “Fuk!” I curse angrily. “A perfectly good smoke wasted on that pig!” I grumble to myself. I shake my head in frustration at my stupidity. I let that jerk get to me and now I'm out a smoke. I sigh, getting angry wasn’t going to bring it back. I grab some socks and walk out into the hall. Its quite, Amy probably still sleeping. I find the kitchen easily and search for my second love, coffee. I search desperately for the coffee pot but come up empty handed.

“What the…” My eyes widen. No coffee maker. No coffee. My shoulders slump. Today is not going to be my day. Then again when is it my day. Mumbling I head back to my room and find my wallet. After making sure my last twenty was still in there I attach my wallet to my pants and head out the window muttering to myself. “I need a job.” I climb down the fire escape ladder.

I walk out of the convenience store trying to light a newly bought smoke with a small coffee in hand. Not an easy task I can tell you that. Inhaling deeply I walk back to the restaurant. I pause outside and stare through the glass door. The lights are on. Maybe Amy was up? She might be a little pissed that I'm not there. I think for a moment. Do I care? Not really. I could just continue to walk. At least then I could have a smoke and relax a little bit before having to deal with her. If I did she might get even more pissed. I stand in front of the front door thinking it over. I'm knocked out of my thoughts when a girl my age with kind of short black hair streaked with dark purple walks up to the door. An odd sense of familiarity hits me. Her eyes are distrustful, her clothes dark and the attitude that surrounds her is one of uncaring. She reminds me of me and immediately I feel close to her.

She unlocks and opens the door. She looks me up and down. Her eyes land on the smoke and a look of hunger crosses her face. She wants one. I smirks and offer her my smoke. She takes it acceptingly and sucks the burning smoke into her lungs. She takes two more then passes it back to me, I brush her off. I pull out my pack and take out another one. She smiles her thanks and takes another drag. I light the new one and look at her. I stretch out my hand.

“Maria.” She sticks her hand out and takes mine.

“I know.” She smiles and walks over to one of the many outdoor tables. She perches on top and looks at me expectantly. I sit on top of the table next to her. She leans back and takes another drag. “Liz” She states much like I did. I nod my head in a hello of sorts.

“How’d you know who I was?” she smiles and sits up straighter.

“Alex made us memorize your pic last night so we’d recognize you if we saw you.” I laugh and shake my head. “Alex likes you.” My eyes widen and she laughs. “Not likes, likes you.” I sigh in relief. “He’s not much for trusting people but he’s taken to you.” I smile softy. Its kind of nice to know.

“He’s a sweety.” I muse.

“That he is.” She finishes the smoke and puts it out on the table. Tossing it on the road she stands up and moves to walk back in. I get up to follow. She turns to me and points to my smoke. “Might wanna put that out.” I sigh and finished the smoke off tossing it on the road. She smiles and walks in. I step inside and I have to laugh at the décor. Orange walls, 50’s malt shop styled counter with stools that actually had backs on them. A cartoon mural on the side wall with a little gray alien standing beside it’s space ship finishes the alien motif. Its hilarious. The stereotypes, the themed food on the special’s menu. Liz turns to me.

“Don’t laugh you might end up working here.”

“Like hell.” I laugh.

“You never know.” She shrugs and moves to the back room. I follow and take a comfy seat on the couch. I watch and she pulls out a bag from a small locker.

“Oh I know. This place is just a little too freaky even for me.” She laughs and moves to the bathroom.

“Its not that bad. The tourist love this place so there’s never a shortage of customers. Plus the tips are kick a-ss.” Her stifled voice comes from behind the door. She opens the door and I snort.

“Oh my god.” My voice is full of laughter. “If it means having to wear that…” I point to her uniform, a knee length, sea foam green, button up dress with a silver apron in the shape of an aliens head. The huge black eyes probably used for pockets and to top it off a headband with two antennas sticking out the top. “Then no way in hell am I going to work here.”

“Oh shut up.” She mumbles laughter in her voice. She puts her street clothes away and turns to me. “Come on I’ve gotta take all the chairs down and prep the tables and since you laughed at me your gonna help.”

I open my mouth to protest but decide against it. “Yes Ma’me.” I mumble and follow her back out to the restaurant.

“So is this why you’re here so early?” I ask putting my coffee on the counter and starting to take down the chairs.

“Yep.” She answers gathering all the sugar containers off the tables. “What bout you? What are you doing up so early and outside for that matter.”

“Early riser and I was outta smokes plus for some crazy reason Amy doesn’t have a coffee pot and I have to have my morning coffee or else I'm very bytchy. Well more so then usual.” She laughs.

“Ya Amy doesn’t believe in caffeine. Says is bad for you or some mojo crap.”

“She’s nuts.” I exclaim playfully. Liz laughs and refills the sugar containers. The next hour we spend getting the restaurant ready. Tired I plop in one of the swirly chairs at the counter. Liz does the same. I grab my coffee and take a sip. I quickly spit it out.

“Fuk!”

“Cold?” Liz asks smiling. I turn to her and nod my head sadly. “No worries, I just started a pot of coffee. As much as Amy hates to admit it people like their coffee.” She smirks, takes my cup and walks over to coffee pot. “So what’s Amy got planned for you today?” she asks handing my cup filled with steaming coffee to me.

“She’s gonna register me into one of your high schools.”

“There is only one.” She laughs.

“Oh.” I laugh with her.

“Not use to the small town living huh?”

“Actually as I told Alex I'm from a small town.”

“Really?” She looks at me her brows furrowed.

“Sadly yes. We didn’t even have a high school. Tried it once but not enough students attended. Since the town was so close to New York, most parents sent their teens to high school in New York.” I explain sipping my coffee. I explain to her that the kinder garden and elementary schools thrived because most parents weren’t willing to send their young impressionable children to the busy city. Mother sent me though. I don’t tell her that Mother never really cared what happened to me. That she sent me to the busy city alone at the age of six. A tiny grade one student on a huge bus full of strangers and no clue as to were I was going. Got lost the first few times but the beatings from Mother and the lectures about being punctual compelled me to figure it out quickly. “Don’t you go to school?” I ask changing the subject.

“Ya but I have spares till after lunch today so I get to work. Amy’s very flexible when it comes to my hours. Sometimes I think she’s a little too flexible though. We’ve had some waitresses that took advantage of her kindness.” Her face turns sour at a memory.

“People tend to do that.”

“Sad but true.” She smiles sadly and sighs. “Amy should be up soon, you should figure out what classes your gonna take.”

“Ya.” I run my hands threw my hair. “I'm gonna go out for another smoke, you want?” I ask standing up.

“Ya sure but lets go out back. Amy would kill me if I let the customers see me smoking.” She says in a comical voice. “Like ninety percent of the population smokes but she still gets pissed.” I laugh. We enter the backroom just as Amy descends the stairs.

“Morning girls.” She says cheerfully. Liz responds in kind and I just nod my head not making eye contact. “I see you’ve met Lizzy. I hope you two are getting along nicely.”

“Nah, we’ve been at each others throats all morning.” Liz jokes. Amy laughs and I look up. Her happy face makes me smile. She smiles back and it turn away and head for the back door. Amy frowns and looks to Liz. “Where you two going?”

“We’re gonna pick up some hotties and go out into the desert, have wild meaningless sex, then leave them there with their pants around their angles.” Liz says seriously. I stare at Liz in shock and turn to Amy to find her laughing.

“Nice try but I told you, you can’t shock me anymore.” She comes to stand in front of Liz.

“Damn, your no fun.” Liz fake pouts.

“Well I try.” Amy jokes. The two banter back and forth for a few minutes. I cant stand watching them and walk out the back door. I step in a puddle and curse. Shaking my foot dry I sit on a wooden crate. When Liz finally joins me I’m half way through my smoke. She sits next to me and smiles when I hand her my pack with my lighter inside. She lights one and hands the stuff back to me.

“So what was that?” she asks smoke flowing from her mouth.

“What was what?” I fain innocence hoping she buys it.

“Come on Maria don’t play me.” She leans forward taking a puff.

I scoff, “I'm not playing you and even if I was what’s it to you?”

“Oh so that’s how its gonna be played, huh?”

“What?” I look at her confused. She stands up, puts out the smoke with more then half left. She turns to glare at me.

“You know exactly what I'm talking bout.” She tosses the smoke on the ground and stalks towards the backdoor. I sigh and my mouth works before my mind.

“Wait…” She stops and turns to me. I sigh, I can’t believe I'm gonna do this. “It’s kinda of hard to be around Amy.” I look down not willing to see the expression on Liz’s face. She steps towards me.

“Why? Amy’s the nicest person on earth.”

“I…” I sigh, “I don’t doubt that. It’s just,” I take a deep drag from my smoke. “Have you ever seen a picture of Moth…my mom??” Liz steps closer.

“No.”

I swallow hard and open my mouth to speak again, “Well her and Amy, they look a lot alike and… Every time I look at Amy, I see her.”

“So.” I look at her my eyes filled with pain. Realization slowly dawns on her. “Your mom, not the nicest person in the world?” I nod my head and look away from her. What the hell am I doing?! I scream at myself. I don’t know this girl and I'm telling her something that I swore I wouldn’t never tell. She steps towards me and I know if I look up I’ll find pity in her eyes. I can’t handle it and I don’t want it. I stand up and move to walk back inside. She stops me with her hand. I accidentally look into her eyes. I go to turn away but stop. Instead of pity in her eyes I see empathy and understanding. Tears spring to me eyes but don’t fall. I nibble my bottom lip. She smiles reassuringly and I smile back. “Come on.” She says softly leading me back into the restaurant.

Why is it that people feel the need to butt into my business. I don’t understand how some people actually believe that they can help me. That if they ask me what’s wrong and I tell them that I’ll be magically cured of this decease called sadness. The thing I need to be cured from is life. This horrid existence that I lead. I don’t need a pat on the back or fuking hug. What I need is for people, like Amy, to leave me alone. I'm a lost cause. No amount of words or this thing they call love, can save me from myself. I'm doomed to be miserable for the rest of my life. The thing is I don’t really plan on living that long. If my previous years are any indication as to what’s to follow I don’t think I want to be here. I’ve barely even begun to live yet it feels like I’ve lived centuries. Centuries of pain and sorrow. If there is such thing as a god then I damn him. I curse him for the life that he gave me.

Sometimes I wonder what the point to going on is. I can’t help but think that maybe I’d be better off dead. I think the only reason I haven’t made that final cut is because I'm scared. I'm not afraid of dying, that would be a welcomed end to it all. I’m just afraid of what’s to come when I die. Is their a heaven? Will I go there? Or will I end up in hell and hypocritically wish I was alive? Maybe there is no heaven or it’s opposite. Maybe my consciousness will just vanish into thin air and no one will remember me. I could dwell on this for hours and never figure out the answers to my questions. For the moment all I can do is go about my day and hope that it won’t be too bad. That I won’t give in to the need.

“You ready to go?” Amy asks gently. I nod and stand up making sure not to make eye contact. Amy leads the way out back to her tiny red jetta. “Have you put any thought into what classes you wanna take?” Amy asks as she pulls out onto the road.

“No.” I mumble and lean on window.

“Well I guess that won’t really matter. Considering that it’s a little late in the year most of the option classes will probably be full.” I don’t answer her, instead I grab my bag and pull out my disc man. I pull my headphones on and prevent any possibility of conversation between the two of us. Out of the corner of my eye I can see her frown. I ignore the wave of guilt that over throws me pushing it aside and concentrating on the beat. It’s not long before Amy pulls into the parking lot of Roswell Community High School. She leads the way inside. I fall behind her, my hands shoved into my pocket, my head down and my music pounding. I make sure that I can still see her along with my view of the floor. We pass by a bunch of students and I feel their eye’s trained on me. Subconsciously I pull a hand out and grip the strap of my bag. Amy stops and I'm forced to look up. She smiles and holds open the door to the office for me. We walk in and she goes directly for the desk. I sigh and slump onto a chair in the waiting area. I pull my bag onto my lap and hold it possessively. I watch as Amy has a small conversation with one of the secretaries. She laughs taking a small booklet of papers from the secretary. I watch as she skims through it filling in certain thing. She finishes and then comes to sit next to me. She looks at me her lips moving but all I hear is my music. Rolling my eyes I turn the music off and pull my head phones down. Amy smiles.

“There are a few things I need your help with.” Amy says opening the book. I nod my head. “That’s how you spell you name right.” I look it over and nod. “Ok. Ummm… Any Allergies?” I shake my head. “Lucky, I’m allergic to peanut butter and raisins.” She laughs and continues looking. “Anything medical they need to know about?” I shake my head. “Ok courses…” For the next 20 or so minutes we go over all the courses available and I choose my itinerary. Once done Amy brings the registration back to the secretary. I listen as the secretary tells Amy that they will have to process my papers and create a timetable before I can start. The two talk a bit again and I pull my headphones back on. I stand up and mumble to Amy that I was going back to the car. She hands me the keys and I leave quickly.

The moment I step outside I light up. Walking to the car, I hop up and take a long drag. I lean back and close my eyes. I drift off into a light sleep. My eyes pop open when the side of the car shifts. I watch as Liz slides back and lays down next to me. I offer her a smoke and she takes it gratefully. We lay back in silence each busied with our own thought. Liz pokes me in the side and motions to my headphones. I turn off my music and pull them down.

“Hey.” She says laying back down.

“Hey.”

“Get registered?” She asks taking a puff.

“Yep.”

“Amy?”

“Inside.”

“Oh.” She sits up and leans on her knees. “Your gonna havta talk with her you know that right?” I sit up with her.

“Ya. Don’t wanna.”

“I know but right now she thinks you hate her.” Liz turns her head to look at me.

“I don’t.”

“I know that but she doesn’t.” I look at her with an expression of fear. She sighs and gives me a small smile.

“What am I supposed to say? I can barely look at you cause you look like my abusive mother? I can’t do that.”

“And why not? You told me.”

“Ya well your not gonna send me to a shrink to have my head examined to make sure I'm ‘OK’.” I use my fingers as I say the word ok. “I don’t want to tell some stranger sh!t bout sh!t ok?”

“I'm a stranger.”

I groan and turn to her. “Liz. I may not know everything there is to know you but… ” I sigh. “Ok this is gonna sound corny but from the moment I met you I knew that I could trust you.” I look away not wanting to see the look on her face. “I knew that you had gone through some of what I’ve been through. To me your not a stranger… ” I trail off and keep my head down. I know that if I look up she’ll look at me as if I'm some circus freak. She mumbles something and I look up. “What?”

She bites her bottom lip and then forces out. “Ditto.” I look at her as if she’s gone insane. She looks back and smile. A small smile creeps across my face. Be both look forward and I hand her another smoke. We lay back in a comfortable silence. A few minutes later Amy comes out and tells Liz to get to class. She does saying good bye to me. I look at Amy and wonder if I should tell her now. I decided against it, toss her the keys and get off the car. She catches them easily then looks at my smokes frowning.

“That’s bad for you.” I roll my eyes and stand next to the car. “How’d you get them?”

“I bought em.”

“How, your 16, not legal.” I sigh.

“I got someone to buy em for me. I may not be legal enough to buy em but I’m legal enough to smoke em so get off my back.” I say more hotly then I wanted.

“You will not smoke near me or in my home do you hear me?”

“Ya Alex explained that already.”

“Ok then,” She smiles and gets in. I do the same and turn to her.

“Can you take me to the mall?” I ask gently.

“Do you have money?” I lean back groaning.

“Fuk! No, I wasted it all on smokes and food.” I grumble and lean on the door. Amy pulls out and drives back to the Crashdown, silently. She pulls into the back and stops the car.

“Need a job?” She asks as we get out and walk into the restaurant. I get a look of horror and sit down.

“Do I have to wear those stupid uniforms?” Amy nods her head smiling. I sigh. “I can’t believe I'm gonna say this…” I mumble standing up. “You’ve got yourself a new waitress.”

“Alright when Liz gets back from school she can show you the ropes.” She smiles and walks out front.

“Why do I feel like I just made a deal with the devil?” I mumble to myself and trudge upstairs to my room.

Liz laughs hysterically on my bed. I glare at her and toss a pillow at her head.

“OWWW!” she cries still laughing. “I'm… sorry…” She says between laughs.

“Shut up!” I grumble and walk towards the window going for a smoke. She follows calming down.

“Oh come on can you blame me?” She asks taking a seat on one of the lounge chairs.

“Do you want one or not?.” I ask holding my pack up in her face. The color drains from her face and she stops laughing. “That’s what I thought.” I toss her my pack and hop up on the ledge. My mind travels to the uniforms and my eyes widen and my face pales. How am I going to pull that off with out revealing my scars. A wave of disgust towards myself hits me. I can just wear non-sheer leggings but what about my arms? I ask myself. My brow furrow as I concentrate on a solution. Liz laughs.

“You look like your trying to pass a stone or something.”

“Ha, ha.” I say sarcastically, finishing my smoke and tossing in over the edge. “You finish that. I'm gonna go find Amy and get a…” I shudder, “uniform.” I hop down and crawl out the window. Liz calls out faintly, ok, completely into the cigarette. I laugh and walk out.

When I return with the stupid uniform Liz is still outside basking in the sun. I smile and walk to the bathroom. I place the uniform on the sink and grab my suitcase off the floor. I close the door behind me and strip down to my underwear. I stop and look at myself in the mirror. I cringe at the site and quickly turn away. I grab my leggings and pull them on. I inspect them, painstakingly checking for any visual scars. Finding none I smile happily. I search through my suitcase looking for a thin long sleeved shirt. I grumble when I realized that even though I have thin long sleeved shirts they won’t be thin enough. I’ll boil to death before my first paycheck.

I turn my back to the door and pull out a second pair of leggings. Grabbing my switch blade I cut the legs off the leggings. Gingerly I cut 4 holes were the toes go. I pull one up my arm all the way to my elbow. I push my fingers through the holes and stretch them. Making sure that the circulation to my fingers won’t get cut off. I then cut a hole for my thumb. I do the same with the other one then pull the dress like uniform on. I turn and inspect my creation. I smile, it may look stupid but it works.

I pull the leggings off my arms and start to unbutton the uniform. I feel a wind on my back and turn quickly to the door to find it wide open with Liz standing there. I gasp.

“Here’s your pack back…oh my god.” She whispers harshly.

I gasp pathetically and stand, dumb stuck. It was happening all over again. I let my guard down again. I should have locked the door. I yell at myself. My bottom lip quivers, tears brimming in my eyes. I watch as her eyes roam my exposed flesh. Disgust builds in my stomach and I feel bile form at the back of my throat. I wrap my arms around my shaking body. She makes eye contact with me, her eyes knowing. Oh god she knows. I whimper and move to grab my shirt off the floor. She grabs my arm and stops me. I try to flinch from her but she holds me still. With her other hand she runs her fingers gently over one of my worst scars. I swallow loudly and wait for her harsh words of disgust and hatred. She looks up again this time, tears brimming in her eyes. I stare at her confused. Why is she crying?

“You did these?” She asks her voice soft. I try to pull away again. I don’t want to answer her questions. I don’t want to deal with this. “Maria,” she whispers sternly. I let out a small sob and yank away from her. I look around desperately, my eyes blurry with tears. I don’t know what I'm looking for just that I have to find it. “Maria.” Her voice is full of concern. My shoulders shake with silent sobs that I hold captive not willing to let them go.

“Where is it?” I whisper and turn halfway around.

“Where’s what?” she asks grasping my elbow. I shake her off violently.

“Where is it!” I scream at her and run my hand through my hair. “Where is it?” My voice cracks and I let my hand drop, slowly griping onto my hair and pulling. She stares at me shocked. “Where’s my shirt?” I look at her, my eyes numb and unfeeling. She looks around. Her eyes lock onto something to my left but I don’t care. I stare straight ahead unseeing.

“It’s in your hand, sweetie.” I tilt my head to the side and look down. My eyes widen and tears flow freely down my cheeks. I whimper and look back at her. I slowly break down, falling to my knees. She follows me and pulls me to her and I sob. Liz soothingly caresses my back whispering gentle words in my ear. Slowly I come back to reality. I realize that I lay there with barely anything on. My dark secrets exposed. My emotional and physical weakness sprawled out on the cool bathroom floor. I pull back from Liz and she lets me go. I sit shivering and look up at her. Her concern for me pours from her warm brown eyes. I swallow hard and whisper.

“Leave.” My eyes plead with her.

“No. I won’t leave you alone.”

“Please.” I beg her.

"No.” she persists and an uncontrollable anger courses through me.

“Get out,” I say harshly trying to control my voice. She opens her mouth to say something but I stand up and tell her to leave again. She stands up holding her ground. “Get the fuk out now!” I scream and push her out slamming the bathroom door. I quickly get dressed and step out. She stands in the center of my room.

“What the hell were those, Maria?!” She looks at me with pity and I’m over come with the need to vomit.

“Get out!” I move towards her and she steps back.

“Did you do those!” she cries in frustration. Her eyes stare at my arms as if she is trying to see them through my shirt.

“Leave now!” I cry out forcefully and turn back to the bathroom. I grab the uniform and toss it at her angrily. “And take your damn uniform!”

“NO!” She cries back just as loud as me if not louder.

“Fine if you won't then leave I will!” I turn and try to run back to the bathroom. She grabs my arm.

“You can’t go Maria. You need help.” I try to jerk away and glare at her.

“Let me go.” I growl through clenched teeth.

“Or you’ll what hit me?”

“If I have to.”

“You don’t have to go.”

“Like hell I don’t! Your gonna run downstairs and tell Amy, ranting about what a freak I am! Then she’s gonna send me to see a fuking shrink and I sure as hell am not gonna let her. So either you let me go or I kick your a-ss!” I seethe, my eyes wild with furry. She doesn’t back down. She stares me in the eyes and I realize that she wasn’t going to back down no matter what I said. I close my eyes and bow my head in defeat. “Fine.” I growl.

“You wanna talk about it?” she asks gently. I look at her and wonder. Could I tell her? Should I tell her? I sigh and fall into my bed. “Could you just…go for a bit? I have to think.” She opens her mouth to protest and I give her my best pouty, puppy dog face. Begging her to leave me alone.

She sighs and her shoulders slump. “Ok, but I'll be right down stairs if you need me.” She turns to leave and I scramble up and catch her. She turns and looks at me smiling softly.

“Don’t…don’t tell Amy. Please.”

“Maria…”

“Please.”

“I won’t,” I sigh in relief, “but you have to promise me you will tell her as soon as you feel up to it. This isn’t something you should have go through alone.” I look her in the eyes and nod my head. She smiles and leaves closing the door behind me. As soon as I'm sure she’s gone I grab my suitcase and start to stuff my things in it. I have to get out of here. She’s going to tell Amy, I know it. I repeat over and over to myself.

“Go tell Amy what you saw you punk ass wannabe.” I mutter under my breath. “Make yourself feel better and think that you’ve somehow saved me from myself.” I hurry out of the bathroom and grab all my other things. Making sure I have everything I take off out the window. I grab onto the ladder and pull myself over. When I hit the pavement I take off running. Tear stream steadily down my face and I can barely make out the road in front of me. I run faster then I’ve ever run before. Running from the demeaning looks, the pity and the fake understanding. My legs burn and my years of smoking slows me down. I run into an alley way between two office buildings and bump into a wall. I gasp for air not only because of the distance I ran but to stop the sobs that rack my body. I slide down the wall and pull my knees to my body hugging myself. I softly sob as I realize that my dreams of a new life were shattered. That I can’t go back to that place. That I can never look Alex, Amy, Michael or Liz in the face again.

I don’t know how long I sit here for but when I finally calm down enough to take in my surroundings it’s dark. I groan but stay where I am, too emotionally drained to move. I hear footsteps coming down the street and stiffen. As they get closer I subconsciously hold my breath not wanting to be found but left alone to wallow in my self-loathing state of mind. I swallow harshly when the person reaches the opening of the alley. I don’t look over, keeping my eyes to the ground. The person stops and I turn my head the other way. I hold myself tightly and try to disappear into the brick wall behind me.

“Maria?” A familiar husky voice whispers down the alley way. My body shivers at the sound of his voice. I ignore the reaction he has on me and turn to my side curling up. He gently walks forward and kneels in front of me. He reaches out and brushes my hair from my face. “Maria.” He whispers softly wiping away my tears. I flinch away from his touch. More tears brim behind my eyes. He grips my shoulders and pulls me to his warm body. I try to pull away but he won’t let me. I give up and lean into him enjoying his warmth and his smell. His experienced hands caress my back. Whatever strength I have left evaporates with each small circle he draws with his hand. He picks me up and holds my frail body close to him. I snuggle up close to him and whisper.

“Don’t take me back.” My voice cracks and I blush. He smiles gently and kisses the crown of my head. I smile back and my eyes drift shut. The rocking from each step he takes brings me closer to my usually less then peaceful sleep. As I drift off completely I mumble. “Michael.”

Sighing I snuggle deeper into the warm blankets that surround me. I smile a soft smile at the feeling of complete relaxation that washes over me. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way. I relish it, not wanting it to end. The bed dips and I stiffen. Someone leans in close and I feel their warm breath on my neck.

“Hey sleeping beauty.” Michael whispers sending shivers though my body. I roll over and stare up at him my eyes hazed from sleep. I glare at him and he smirks. “What no thank you Michael?” he asks feigning shock

“I didn’t need your help.” My voice is raspy and I blush with embarrassment. He doesn’t seem to notice and breaks into a slightly righteous rant.

“Funny from were I stood you were curled up in an alley way barely able to keep your eyes open let alone stand. Sides I wasn’t about to let you to sleep in the alley.” He reasons leaning back against his headboard.

I roll my eyes and mumble, “Wouldn’t be a first.” I curl up, wrapping my arms around my knees, pulling them close to my chest.

“What?” he looks down at me.

“Nothing.” I try and ignore the look on his face. He heard me but for some reason chooses to ignore it. “Look I didn’t need your help. I'm a capable girl and I can take care of myself.” I stare up at him daring him to respond. He does. Quickly he reaches down and rips my arm out from underneath the warm blankets. He pulls my sleeve down revealing my scars. I gasp and try to tear my arm away.

“Like you’ve been doing?” He asks me poignantly. I glare up at him my eyes brimming.

“Fuk you!” I manage to tear my arm away and I scramble to get off the bed. I pull my sleeve down and grip it tightly. I turn to glare at him and he stares back his face expressionless. “Liz told you didn’t she.” I seethe trying to ignore the quiver in my voice and in my body. He doesn’t respond. “That bytch!” I mumble and head for the door. I open it for a split second before Michael’s large hand comes barreling down, slamming it shut. An animalistic and almost primal hiss escapes my mouth.

“Get off.” I mumble through clenched teeth trying desperately to calm myself down.

“No.” He stares me down. Looming over me trying to intimidate me.

“Get off!” My voice is a little more forceful.

“Where you gonna go huh? You don’t know Roswell. You’d get lost.” He reasons and I roll my eyes.

“Then I guess I get lost. What’s it to you anyway?” subconsciously my head lightly bobs to each word and I know I probably look like a wannabe Jerry Springer guest.

“I don’t wanna see you get hurt Maria and I wanna help you.” His voice softens.

“You wanna help me then let me go.” I whisper softly in a desperate attempt at getting him to let me go. To forget me and move on.

“I can’t do that.” He whispers back.

“Why the hell not!” I cry harshly and get up in his face, completely forgetting my strategy as anger rises in me.

“Because I care about you!” He cries back and I stare at him in disbelief.

“You don’t even know me.” I snarl not believing for a second that this boy I had only met once could ever care about me.

“I want to.” He whispers softly. I shake my head at him.

“You don’t wanna know me Michael. You just wanna fuk me.” He flinches visibly at my harsh words. He opens his mouth to protest but I won’t let him. “That’s the only reason I'm here isn’t it. The only reason you kissed me in the park. You just wanna jump my fuking bones.” I step closer and press my body against his. He groans and looks away from me. “You wanna know what its like to be inside of me? Then take me Michael.” I touch his chest and his breath becomes labored. I smirk and run my hand slowly down his chest. “Toss me on your bed and have your way with me.” My voice drops becoming husky. I bring my hand down and cup him through his pants. He gasps and for a moment lets himself feel me toughing him. I lean up and whisper in his ear. “You know you want to.” At my words he grabs my hand and brings it up.

“Stop it Maria.” He looks me in the eyes.

“Why? It’s what you want isn’t it.” I snap. He opens his mouth to protest. “Oh come on!” I cry. “You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. What it’d be like to toss me on your bed and fuk my brains out.” He sighs and closes his eyes.

“I have but…” I interrupt him.

“Do it, then let me go please.” I plead with him bringing my lips to his in a passionate almost violent kiss. He groans again and grips my wrist tightly pulling me to him. I brush my tongue against his lips asking for entrance. He pauses for a moment then releases me keeping his grip on my wrist. I stare at him confused.

“Not like this.” He whispers warmly.

“What you don’t want me? Am I not good nough for you?” Tears brim my eyes and I stare at him blankly.

“Stop it Maria!” he cries out in angry pulling me close again. “I do want you,” he caresses the side of my face. “But not like this. I wanna getta know you. I want you to get to know me. I don’t wanna fuk you. I wanna make love to you.”

I scoff, “There’s no such thing as love, Michael. Love is just another petty excuse for people to go around hurting each other.” A lone tear slides down my cheek. “If you don’t fuking want me, then let me go.” I beg.

“I can’t and I won’t Maria. Your staying here, if I have to tie you to a chair then I will but I will not let you go.”

Anger rises in me and I wrench my wrist from his hand. “You asshole! This is fuking kidnapping. The moment you let me go I'm going to the cops!” He groans in frustration and moves towards me. I step back. “Don’t. Get the fuk away from me.” Tears brim my eyes again. I feel myself being slowly drained. I let out a sob and fall to the floor my legs no longer willing to hold my sorry ass. I let out another sob as I rock back and forth. Michael’s blurred figure comes into view as he kneels down in front of me. He reaches out to touch me and I flinch back. “Don’t touch me.” My voice is racked with sobs. My arms encircle myself, my hands gripping at my shirt as my mind tries to grip at reality. I feel my sanity spill out with every tear that I shed. Michael reaches out to me and flinch back again screaming for him not to touch me. I mumble incoherently. My words only making sense to myself. “Too much…too soon…not supposed ta…not supposed ta be this way…wasn’t supposed ta be like this…” Michael reaches for me again and I try to jump back but a wall stops me. “No…” I mumble as Michael pulls me to him. “No…Nonono!” I sob over and over again. I fight him as best I can, swatting his chest weakly.

“Shh…it’s ok.” He whispers, my last ounce of strength vanishes as he grips me tightly pinning my arms between our bodies. All I can do is sob, my tears soaking his shirt. He whispers comforting words as he absently caresses my back. His soothing ministrations combined with his charismatic voice lulls me. My eyes remain open and dull, silent tears trickling down my face. Michael pulls back and looks at me with concern. He brushes my hair away from my face. “Maria, look at me.” He tries to coax softly. I stay trained on the wall in front of me. “Maria, baby, look at me.” He whispers caressing my face. I can’t look at him. Not after braking down like that. What would I see in his eyes? Fear at my obvious insanity? Disgust? I feel him lean in close to my ear and I shiver involuntarily at the sensation of his warm breath. “Please.” He begs softly. I gulps and turn my head even further away from him. He sighs and rests his forehead on my shoulder.

“Sorry.” I mumble and close my eyes tightly as another round of tears hit me. Michael’s head snaps up.

“What? Why?” I bit my bottom lip and shake my head. He sighs in frustration again. He reaches out and gently turns my head towards him. I don’t fight him but I also don’t look at him. He tilts my head up and forces me to look at him. I gasp at the look of concern in his eyes. I look away quickly before I start to cry again.

“For this. Yelling at you, crying like a baby, acting like a psychotic maniac.” He pulls me to him hugging me and I find myself relax into him.

“You don’t have to apologize, Maria. You can yell at me anytime you want and cry in my arms whenever you want, sides your such a cute psychotic maniac.” He teases his lips brushing against my cheek. I can’t help but giggle but I sober the moment his lips touch my cheek. It’s now that I notice how close we really are. His legs are crossed Indian style and I sit in the center, my legs drape over the side of his left leg. His arms wrap around my waist holding me close to him at a slight angle so that I'm practically facing him. I look back at him and gulp at how close our faces are. Our breaths mingle together and an ache builds in my lower stomach. An ache and need for something. Something I’ve never truly wanted in my life. Sure I’ve desired pleasure but never once had I desired it to be given to me by someone else. I’ve always been too afraid to ever let anyone close enough but as I stare into these deep chocolate brown eyes I find myself leaning in to capture his lips with my own. I moan at the feel of his soft velvet lips that press against mine. I don’t move just hold my lips there. He stiffens at first then relaxes. As if sensing I wasn’t truly ready for more then this he doesn’t move either.

I pull back and lick my lips. He caresses my lower back a silent message for me to take my time. I smile gratefully and breath deeply. I swallow hard and lean in again. This time I move my lips gently against his. He mirrors me, never going further, letting me lead, giving me control. I pull back again and rest my forehead on his. I can feel his shaky breath on my face and I know that mine is the same.

“Your shaking.” He whispers softly. I smirk.

“So are you.” He chuckles and holds me close, kissing the base of my neck. I shiver and marvel at the feeling of being in his arms. “This is so unreal.” I whisper, too lazy to talk normally.

“Why’s that?” he whispers back against my shoulder.

“It sounds stupid but…I’ve never done this before.” I hide my face in his should, blushing.

“Done what?” He holds me tighter.

“This,” I turn my head and rest on my cheek. “The kissing, the holding, the hole breaking down in front of someone.” I pull back and look him in the eyes. “I’ve always had to be strong. Least in front of people. Mother used to say that to show emotion is to show your weaknesses. People pray on your weaknesses.” He sits and listens quietly, gently rubbing my back encouraging me to open up to him. I close my eyes as memories of Mother ‘praying’ on me when I showed my weaknesses. I open my mouth to continue but close it quickly as my bottom lip starts to quiver. He pulls me close again.

“Your aloud to cry, Ria. It’s your right and you should never be ashamed of doin it.” I smile at the nickname, then snicker. “What?” he looks at me confused.

“Doin it.” I giggle and he rolls his eyes.

“Well aren’t you the closet gutter girl.” He remarks smiling. I pause and look at him.

“I blame it on you.”

“Me?”

“Yup.”

“Why?” I smile at the confused look that crosses his face. I lean in slowly and brush my lips against his lightly then pull back.

“That’s why.” I say seriously. He chuckles and pulls me back to him kissing me gently. I open my mouth in an open invitation. He accepts it, darting his tongue out to brush against mine. I groan. Never had something felt so wonderful. I grip his shirt in both hands pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. We both groan and his arms pull me close. I run my right hand up and into his hair the other wrapping around his waist. I moan again and again as our tongues battle for domination. The need for something more drives me to get up on my knees and turn to straddle him. He groans letting go of my mouth and kissing a trail down my neck and to my ear sucking on the lobe.

“Oh god.” I breathe, closing my eyes and grinding my pelvis into his. His teeth dig gently into my lobe. I gasp and grip his shoulders. He lets go of my ear and his hands grip my hips preventing me from doing it again. I open my eyes and look at him my brows furrow as my chest rises and falls rapidly. He pushes me up a little as he gets on his own knees. He stands and I'm forced to stand up. I look at him in puzzlement.

“What are you doing?”

“Stopping.” He whispers holding me at arms length.

“You…You don’t have to.”

He smiles sadly and caresses my cheek. “Yes I do. Your not ready,” I open my mouth to argue but he silences me. “You shaking like a leaf and I can see the spark of fear in your eyes Maria. No matter how hard you try and hide it.” I sigh in defeat and drop my head.

“I'm…” I start but she stops me buy covering my mouth with his hand.

“Don’t.” He orders me warmly. I nod my head still feeling like I had let him down. “Lets get some coffee.” He offers grabbing my hand and starting to pulls me out of his room.

“Not that I don’t mind coffee, I love coffee but I thought I wasn’t aloud to leave?” He turns to me and smirks.

“Smart ass.”

“Well I try.” He laughs.

“Promise not to run?”

“Cross my heart hope to die.” I say seriously slightly emphasizing the word die. He doesn’t seem to notice and pulls me out of his room.

Life is so confusing. One moment it feels like the whole world is falling out from underneath me. Collapsing under the weight of my heavy burdens. And just when I think there is no end to my spiraling downfall. A ledge appears out of nowhere catching me. Saving me for the moment from the inevitable. And it is inevitable. This, whatever it is that’s going on between me and this spiky headed boy, wasn’t going to last. Good things never last. I know that soon this ledge underneath me will crumble and once again I will free fall into the black abyss below.

I sigh inwardly not wanting to alarm the gorgeous boy sitting across from me chatting away eagerly. I pretend to listen, hearing his voice but not paying attention to the words.

“Maria?” My name rolling off his tongue, breaks me out of my stupor.

“Yeah?”

“Have you even been listening?” I open my mouth, ready to lie but close it shaking my head with guilt.

“I'm sorry.” He leans over reaching for my hand. I pull back before he can touch me. A look of confusion and hurt crosses his face but disappears quickly.

“What’s wrong?” he stares at me, his dark eyes trying desperately to read me. I swallow hard.

“Nothing, I’m just…thinking.” I look away from him and down at my black coffee.

“About?” I shrug indifferently. I want to tell him but the words won’t form. What would I tell him? What could I tell him? I sigh out loud and stand up.

“Where ya goin?” he stands up as well.

“Bathroom.” I mumble heading towards the washrooms, not waiting for a reply. Walking down a long thin corridor the red exit sigh catches my attention. I glace back towards the restaurant and without second thought I push open the door and step out back. I grab a smoke quickly and try and light it. I stare at the flame flickering violently. I close my eyes trying desperately to ignore the fact that my hand is shaking. The need for something stronger then nicotine rises in me, forming a knot in my stomach.

“No.” I mumble through clenched teeth. Willing my hand still, I light the smoke quickly. I fill my lunges urgently, sucking in the toxic smoke to the point that my lunges scream for air. I relent long enough to breathe before I take another long deep drag. A content smile crosses my lips as my fingers start to tingle and I'm over come with dizziness and vertigo. I moan in pleasure and lean back against the wall. I lose myself in the feeling, allowing it to consume me. If only it could. If only I could disappear into oblivion and never have to deal. I don’t want to be here when things go downhill. I don’t want to be here period. I jump when I feel a hand on my shoulder. My instincts take over. I grab the hand that touched me squeezing it almost to its breaking point. I here a grunt as I twist the arm around and ram the person against the wall.

“Jesus Maria!” Michael’s raspy voice resonates in my ears.

“Oh my god…” I gasp shoving off him and stumbling back into the opposite wall. I stare at him in shock as he turns around in obvious pain. I glare at him. “What the fuk was that?!” I cry out angrily.

“I believe that’s my line.” He says massaging his hand. His voice considerably quieter than my own.

I roll my eyes, “I'm sorry but you shouldn’t have snuck up on me like that.”

“I don’t think calling your name three times is considered sneaking.” He retorts cracking his neck.

“I didn’t hear you call my name, Michael.” I say snobbishly.

“Course not, you were too busy mackin’ with your cigarette.” He grins pushing off his wall and coming to stand in front of me.

“Did it make you jealous?” I lean in seductively and take a deep puff blowing it in his face. He grimaces and blows the smoke away. Before I can react he takes the smoke from me, bringing it to his luscious lips holding it like you would a doobie. He too takes a puff and blows it out sideways. Bracing himself on the wall behind me, he leans in closer and whispers in my ears.

“Insanely.” His voice sends shivers down my spine. I hate that he can do that to me. That he has that control over me. I shake my head and duck under his arm. I walk away then turn to look at him. He leans his back against the wall and takes another drag before handing it back to me. I take it, glaring. “We gotta talk.”

“I don’t wanna talk.”

“Well we gotta. You’re gonna have to go back, Maria.”

“Back? No! Why the hell should I?”

“Because she’s your guardian.” He reasons.

“Fuk that. She’s only my guardian cause Mother dearest didn’t want me anymore. I had no say in it. I was carted off to the fuking middle of nowhere. Well this time its my decision and I'm deciding that I’m not going!” I glare at him.

“Amy doesn’t know...” he trails off allowing me to draw my own conclusion.

“You…didn’t tell her?” He shakes his head and I sigh in relief. “That doesn’t change my mind Michael. Just because she doesn’t know doesn’t mean I'm just gonna go running back.”

“Maria…” he sighs, “What are you gonna do? Live on the streets? Eat out of dumpsters?” he asks pushing off the wall.

I shift nervously “I was kinda…hoping…I don’t know that I could… stay with you?” I manage to get out. I look away quickly afraid of the rejection that might be written all over his face. I hear him step towards me. I want to step back. Get away from him and his touch. A touch that makes me feel, when I all I want is to be numb again. He takes my hand and I let him. The strength to pull away, fleeting.

“Maria,” His voice is soft and gentle and I know that he’s getting ready to turn me down. I yank myself away from him.

“Forget it. I'm sorry I asked.” I mumble heading back inside. He grips my elbow, pulling me back.

“It’s not that I don’t want you there.” He confesses.

“Then what is it?” I ask feigning indifference.

“My dad, our dad would never agree with it. Sides you have to go back to Amy.” His hand covers my mouth before I can protest. “She’s your family and she loves you. She’d be devastated if you didn’t. I know that you don’t want to but can you please think about her instead of yourself. Just give her a chance. She might surprise you and I think she can help you too.”

I gently push his hand away. “Maybe I don’t wanna be helped? Maybe I like it the way it is?”

“I don’t believe you do. Why would you hide them unless you were ashamed? I think you’ve been hurt, are hurting and you’ve gotten so used to it you don’t know anything else. You eat, breath, and sleep with it.” I curse myself as more tears course down my face. I close my eyes at the soft caress of his calloused hand on my cheek, wiping away my tears. “I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, cause I honestly don’t. And I can’t fathom why you do what you do but I'm willing to listen and I'm willing to help you stop.” My eyes pop open and once again my cynacism takes over.

“What’s the catch?”

“There is no catch.”

“There has to be. No one does anything with out a reason. I don’t get it. I don’t get you or Liz or Alex.” I step away from him leaning against the wall. He stands there in shock and confusion. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it quickly. “What do you people want from me?”

“Your friendship’s all I want.” He whispers stepping closer, “and maybe later on something,” he takes my face in his hands, tracing my lips with his thumb. I shiver involuntarily, “more.” He breathes leaning, capturing my lips with his. I forget my hatred over the control he has with me, eagerly wanting to lose myself in him. Wanting to forget about the world around me as I try to devour him. My hands run through his oddly soft hair as I open my mouth granting him access. His strong arms encircle my waist pulling me to him. We both groan at the pleasure of full body contact. Him warm body pushes me against the wall gently. I feel him pressed against my thigh and gasp. A familiar emotion builds in me. One of fear, disgust, hatred and pain. Such horrible pain. Tears start to course down my face as I numbly allow Michael to ravage my neck. Bile rises to my throat but I swallow it. I feel myself start to shake and I squeeze my eyes shut.

“You’re shaking.” He whispers detaching himself from my neck and pulling back slightly. The moment he does I fly away from the wall into the middle of the alley. I hold myself as the tears cascade down my face. “Maria?” his voice is full of concern and confusion.

“I'm sorry.” I mumble turning to walk away. He grabs me and pulls my back to him. His arms mimic my own. I don’t struggle just wanting to be held as silent sobs rack through my body.

“What’s wrong?” he whispers in my ear.

“I'm so sorry.” I mumble again.

“Don’t be. Just tell me what happened. Please.” I shake my head. “Did I do something wrong? I mean did I hurt you?”

“No! it’s not you Michael, its me. I'm fuked up. ” I laugh bitterly. I step away from him wiping away my tears.

“What?”

“All I seem to do is cry when I'm around you.” I laugh again. “You must think I'm such a baby.”

“No.” He steps closer but the look in my eyes causes him to stop. Realizing I need my space he offers it to me. “I don’t think that at all. I just think you’ve been bottled up for too long.” I don’t respond, my hands playing nervously with the sleeves of my shirt. “Maybe I should take you back to Amy’s.” I look up about ready to protest but give up my shoulders slumping. I nod my head as I following him to his car.

Staring at the brick wall that makes up the back of the Crashdown my mind travels back to the alley. I haven’t been able to look at him, ashamed of how I reacted. It was so just so inane and stupid of me. He thinks I'm a freak I know it. I am a freak. A pathetic freak who can’t even handle a kiss. God that kiss. It was so…Just thinking about it causes me to groan inwardly. The passion behind his movements. The intent in his hands as they roamed my back, causing goosebumps in his wake. I shudder and turn to look out the window.

Michael sits behind the wheel, waiting patiently for me to dredge up the courage to walk in the backdoor. I'm such a wuss. I haven’t even undone my seatbelt yet. I just sit here like a moron waiting for the car to magically back up and get as far away from here as possible. He probably thinks I'm crazy too. Why wouldn’t he? He has every reason to. I subconsciously pull my sleeves down tightly, nibbling my bottom lips.

Michael’s hand inches across and gently grips mine. I jerk away from him. Anger builds in me. My nose flares and I rip my seat belt out. I shoot out of the car, slamming the door shut in anger. Anger at myself for all the stupid things I’ve been doing to myself and others. Anger at him for being so nice to me when all I’ve done is bytch. I hear him get out, griping about his precious car door. I ignore his rant and barge into the backroom, beelining for the stairs. Out of the corner of my eyes I see Liz spot me from the other side of the kitchen window. I groan as she rushes to catch me. I get four steps in before she does.

“Maria! Wait!” I roll my eyes and stop not turning to look at her.

“What?” I snarl. She ignores my obvious anger taking my hand and pulling me down the steps. I shake her off and glare at her. She rolls her eyes.

“Don’t give me that. I'm sorry ok but I had to tell him. I had no choice and I'm sorry.” She says with earnest.

“You done?” my voice is coarse and harsh. I can’t believe she’s trying to apologize. I want so badly to just hit her. Wipe that deceiving mushy caring look off her face.

“Maria, please.” Her eyes convey her desperation through her layers of black eyeliner and dark eye shadow. I wrinkle my nose in disgust at the emotions there and shake my head at her.

“Go to hell.” I state calmly and turn to go back up the stairs. I hear Michael enter through the back door. As I turn the corner I catch a glimpse of Michael comforting Liz. His arm wrapped around her feminine shoulders. My stomach clenches. My reaction only adding to my disgust with myself. I stalk towards my room and shut the door behind me not bothering to make sure it closes. I don’t waist time with walking around the bed, instead walking over it and into the bathroom. My knees give way and my vision becomes clouded with white porcelain and the sight of my own bile slowly turning the clear water dirty. I don’t feel the contents of my stomach rising up my throat. I don’t feel the tears streaming down my face nor the cold penetrating my jean-clad knees.

When it finally stops I blindly reach for the handle barely able to push it down. I fall back, all energy I once possessed swirling away with what little food I’ve eaten in the last few days. I stare numbly at the bowl entranced by two crimson streaks on both sides of the bowl. A stinging sensation in my hands causes me to look down and notice for the first time the array of half moons imprinted into my skin. Blood slowly trickles from the open wounds. My stomach jerks and I lurch forward gripping the bowl again. I let out a strangled cry as something acidic scorches my throat. Bright orange liquid swirls with the water and my tears flow freely.

Something warm encircles my waist. A gentle hand pulls back the small strands of hair that had freed itself from my ponytail. I don’t have time to dwell on the stranger, my stomach continuing to contort until even my stomach acid is depleted and I’m left dry heaving. Nothing comes from my mouth but a harsh hacking sound. The strange arm pulls me back, away from the retched bowl and against their chest. I close my eyes trying to calm myself. I barely feel soft lips press against my head in a caring jester. My chest rises and falls rapidly, my heart beating erratically. I don’t bother to wipe my watery face. I don’t care that someone is holding me, caressing my hair back and I don’t care that I sit here vulnerable. I don’t want to care but my mind slowly starts to betray me. Bringing back memories of what felt like a lifetime ago but in reality happened only yesterday. Memories of Liz holding me on the floor wile I cried.

I try to lift myself up and away from the comforting embrace but my limbs won’t obey. I sigh in anger and frustration. Nothing is under my control anymore. The arm around me tightens and I'm slowly helped up and led to my bed. As soon as I hit the soft haven I curl up, lapsing into a state of numbness. Blessed numbness. The bed dips and warm arms pull me onto a lap. I go willingly closing my eyes as the gentle hand caresses my hair back. A soft feminine hum registers in my ears. Curiosity makes my look up. I shoot up and away from the stranger. I let out a yelp at the falling sensation that hits me. I grunt as carpet meets back.

I gasp trying to catch my breath. My chest constricts struggling to breathe. I crawl back as Amy advances on me. “Stay… away.” I let out coarsely. She stops, obeying me. Even still I can’t help but back up until I run out of carpet. I lean against the wall heavily still gasping. I can’t look at Amy. Instead I stare at the floor. Slowly, breath by breath, I calm down.

“You okay?” Amy’s gentle probing voice breaks through the silence. I swallow a lump in my throat and nod my head, unable and unwilling to speak. “Are you sick?” I shake my head yet I wish I were. Amy sighs and sits on the floor making sure to keep her distance. “Are you high?”

"What?!" I snap my head up and look at her with shock..

“Sorry but I have to ask.”

“I can’t believe you would ask me that.” My throat still sore, my voice barely above a whisper.

“I have every right to Maria. It’s my parental right.” Amy reasons.

“You're not my mother.” I spit out.

“No I’m not but I am responsible for you.” I stare at her seething with anger.

“Go to hell.” I mumble. “I am nothing like Mother,” the word rolls off my tongue harshly, “I’ve watched her and many others ruin their lives with that sh!t. There’s no way in hell I would ever touch it let alone use it.” I use the wall to hoist myself up. I ignore her and storm out of my room as fast as I can on my unstable and uncooperative legs. Before I can reach the stairs she grabs my arm. I turn and glare, ready to fight her off if the need be. The warmth in her eyes stomps on those thoughts, breaking them.

“Living room.” She orders softly. I sigh and drag my feet to the large over stuffed couch. I flop down hard in anger but also in exhaustion. She takes a seat in the chair next to the couch. Neither one of us speak, letting the silence take over. Fidgeting with my sleeves again I take in the living room for the first time. Earthy is the only descriptive word that comes to mind. Every color, every object looks like they’d been taken right out of a forest and merged into this tiny apartment.

“I'm sorry that I hurt you Maria but I had to ask.” I open my mouth to protest but she stops me. “What was I supposed to think? You said you aren’t sick. I had every right to ask but now that I know I'm sorry.” She was right. As much as I hate to admit it if I found my teenage niece puking in the bathroom and she wasn’t sick I probably would have asked the same question. I sigh and nod my head. “Wanna tell me why you were in the bathroom puking?” I shake my head. Amy sighs again and I decide in this moment that I hate the sound. It’s a sound of disappointment. Disappointment with me. A sound that means I’ve upset her. I have no right to upset her. “Fine.” She trails off and silence takes over again. A silence broken only by the sounds of people downstairs enjoying their lunch in the café. “The next time you go and sleep over at a friends house you tell me first.”

I stare at her in shock and I nod my head. She knows? But how? A thousand unanswered questions mull around in my head.

“I don’t have many rules but the ones that I do have I take very seriously. I’m giving you a get outta jail free card this time but it’s your only one. Understand?” I nod my head. “Good. Did you have fun at Liz’s?” My look of shock grows. I mouth Liz’s name in confusion. Realization slowly dawns on me and my anger with the dark haired girl lessens.

“Yeah, I did.”

“I'm glad you two have hit it off.”

“Yeah.” I force a smile thinking of how well we really were hitting it off. That is until the other day. Amy leans across to take my hands in hers. I pull back.

“I just wanna see your hands sweetie.” I relent letting her examine my wounds. She cringes at the sight. “Do they hurt?” I shake my head. It’s the truth. I barely feel it. I didn’t feel it when it happened either. I’ve become so accustom to pain, forced to at a young age. “Well your lucky I don’t think they’re too deep. Don’t move.” She orders, smiling. She gets up disappearing down the hall. I close my eyes and lean back on the couch. When