Author: Karen OmarsFan1@aol.com
Rating: PG
Paring: I/A
Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, Alex would still be around.
Muse #4 - Nightfall - Cerulean - Sand - Warning
I often look to the sky and wonder where you are. Is there a heaven? If there is, who are you with? Are you talking music with John Lennon and Nick Drake? Do you have friends, do you have a new love? Do you dance to entertain her as you once did for me?
I don't know where you are. I don't know the answer to any of those questions. All I know is that you're gone and I'm alone.
As nightfall approaches, I slip beneath my blankets and hug one of my pillows, wishing it was you I was holding instead. But I'm not sad. Because this is the time of day when I get to see you again. I'm never sure if you are really with me or not, but it feels real. Or maybe I just want it to feel real.
Watching you run along the beach, tossing a stick into the water for the dog to retrieve, I try to take in every nuance of your being - the way your body moves when you run, the way the sun glints off your dark hair, the sparkle in your Cerulean eyes, the sound of your laugh as the mutt of a dog sprays you with water when he shakes his coat. I didn't pay enough attention to those things before and I know some of the details have slipped from my memory. Desperate, I try to recapture them, just so someday you won't slip from my memory entirely.
Beside me, you smile gently and touch me in ways you were always afraid to, not knowing that I always wanted you to. Your eyes are kind, soft, full of life as you touch my cheek, kiss my lips. With a smile, you pick sand from my hair. You wrap your arms around me and I feel safe, protected against the evils of the world.
And I have to wonder what you went through when you were faced with evil here on earth. Were you frightened? Or did you go to your end bravely, quoting some cheesy line from an old war movie? That's what I'd like to think you did. I'd like to think that you made a joke of it, like you did so many other serious things in your life. I'd like to believe that you got the literal last laugh.
But I know that didn't happen. Kyle was there and he's told me as much. You were brave, but only brave in your decision to confront your killer face to face. That had to have taken immense courage, to walk in and demand answers from her. I know you didn't think you'd die. If you did, you wouldn't have gone. You loved life too much to leave so soon. I want to believe you loved me too much to leave so soon, too.
And I have to wonder why you didn't come to me first, give me some warning about the things that were happening. Why was it your secret? I would have believed you. I would have made the others believe you. And then maybe you'd still be here with me.
Your arms around me pull me from my musing and all I can think about is the way you feel. Your warm skin against my body, the taste of your lips, your tongue against mine. Your scent fills my nose and it is more familiar to me than my own. I hear your voice against my ear, soft.
"I'll always love you."
I tighten my arms around you and hold you close to my body, feeling your heart beat against mine, wishing the sensation could last for an eternity.
Awake again, I hold nothing but a pillow wet with tears. Morning light is an intrusion as it flows through my bedroom curtains. I don't want to face the world. I want to lie here until I wither away. But I know that soon I will rise and go about my day, wondering how many more days I have until I will be with you again,wherever you are, talking to John Lennon and dancing for your friends.
end
